How do I trust again? Moving beyond betrayal and heartbreak.

Last week, I had an exquisite ‘Breakthrough to Love’ call with an amazing woman, where we spent about 45 minutes chatting about her search for love.  What was working, and what wasn’t; and what started out as a long list of ‘I don’t know’ responses, quickly uncovered a very long trail of cheating and abandonment, by past loves. 

When I thumb through the many pages I have of emails, call notes and questionnaires from women all over the world, this topic of betrayal and heartbreak, is a common red thread weaving itself throughout so many of their stories. 

Most of us have at least one story of betrayal, abandonment and heartbreak in our lives.  Some of us, have more of these stories than seems bearable.  

Betrayal comes in many forms, lying, cheating, broken promises; but at the very root, is dishonesty and loss of security.  The effects of dishonesty (of any kind) in our relationships is detrimental, even the smallest of lies.  The ripples of betrayals, like going outside the relationship sexually and emotionally, are devastating and find long term footholds in our hearts.

Those ripples, or tsunami like waves, ravage our self-esteem, our confidence, our ability to trust again, and become cement blocks in our path to moving on, even years after the relationship has ended.

I need to come out from the gates, directly as possible, with 3 hard truths. 

(Which, my inherent Americaness allows for quite readily. Lucky me! )

Trusting again means, being open to the possibility of being hurt, like that, again. 

 

Being open to the possibilities, both good and bad, is imperative for us to find and attract love. 

 

There is only one road to recovering our ability to love and be loved, and that is right through the very thick of it.

Today, I’m going to address the first hurdle that MUST be traversed, if you are ever going to be truly able to love and be loved again. 

"I can’t and won’t survive that again! "

Strong statement, right? 

And it’s one your brain is well skilled at throwing up, at a moment’s notice.  When that betrayal happened… when your heart broke into a million shards, the very rational side of your brain, who serves to educate & protect, said… “Right, we’re not doing that again anytime soon!”  Rational brain had a very calm collected list of reasons that, if it could be avoided, it should.  Rational brain ran the numbers on optimum healing times, took a hard look at the statistics, the theory of relativity, and promptly placed your heart in a safe place to mend.

The emotional side of your brain, stepped out further and said, “Right, we are NEVER, EVER doing that again!” +  a tirade of “ I almost died!”.   “The pain was so unbearable, it was like someone carved out my still beating heart!”, “It was THE WORSE thing that ever happened to us!” and,  “LOCK THE HEART UP SOMEWHERE SAFE AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!”   Emotional brain, panicked… AND has quite the theatric flair for the dramatic.

When these two sides of the brain get together, fiction and fact can get a bit blurry.

You start to use the statistics, and numbers rational brain has on hand to fund emotional brain’s war chest.  First things first, build a fortress where the heart shall remain protected from all wrongdoers. (And subsequently right doers, but we’ll come back to that) 

Your brain dug some trenches, set traps 100 meters out, placed sharp shooters on the roof… so anyone that comes close… gets sent packing!

But, the heart?  She needs love. 

She is a wanton, dancing, goddess who twirls in her cell of protection, rattling the cage, desperate to get out into the sun again, TO LOVE!  The heart also has the most incredible ability to mend, to become whole again.  She knows she’s scarred but considers those healed raised pink ridges to be adornments.

And so the push pull, the come closer siren screams of the heart and the defensive maneuvers of the brain, begin to twist us, and those who want to care for us, into knots. The signals we send out are so garbled, no one (even yourself) can understand what you want and need.

Researchers tell us that the number one behavioral response abused children have, to new people and environments is ‘you can come close, but not too close’.  You can almost see their proverbial arm being held out, keeping others at a distance.  All their detachment, anger, their acting up and out is tied to the protective response, to not get hurt again. Children thrive in consistency, security, human touch and care yet their lack of emotional maturity does not allow for considered multi-tasking of feelings.

Our behavioral response to cheating & abandonment, is the same.  Because, it is abuse.  Mental and emotional abuse. It is a similar loss of security, consistency, human touch and care.   Protecting ourselves, makes absolute sense.  Until we think about that abused child above.

How that fortress of protection, becomes a prison they can’t get out of to love and be loved.  When we see them start to sabotage their own relationships, and self-destruct in the space between the fight for human connection and keeping themselves safe; we want to hug them tightly, assure them it’s okay, encourage them to let down their guard and allow healing love in.   

Healing and love, requires us to drop our fortress walls. Because true love is about being 100% safe with someone. Other people’s actions and words play a huge part in creating a safe environment, but both parties must fully participate to create 100% safety and security.

I use the example of the child above for good reason.  Many of you may have experience with children who have been abused. I am sure all of you felt empathy for the anonymous child I described. Most of you even saw clearly the counterproductive effect on healing and happiness, that child’s defense mechanisms were having. 

It’s always much easier to see clearly when we look at others lives, and so much harder to see and do so for ourselves.  We are ALSO always so quick to offer empathy, encouragement, kindness and motivation to that child. To reason with that child, that the road forward is filled with safety and love, that the alternative of keeping everyone at an arm’s length, is damaging their ability to live a happy, full life.

It’s time to make that same, sacred, compassionate, reasonably minded, offering to yourself, my dear. 

To embrace yourself with assurances that it will be okay and that the guard can now be let down.  It’s time, to free your heart from its fortress come prison!  It will take time and consistent daily effort to make yourself foster that sense of bravery and trust. 

The scared traumatized child, in you, is worthy of that work.

Stay tuned; Next week, I will be walking you through the second step to overcoming betrayal and heartbreak.

Giving photo credit, were credit’s due: in order of appearance…

Photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/shezamm/8590540421/">Suzanne Schroeter</a> via <a href="https://visualhunt.com">VisualHunt.com</a> / <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/"> CC BY-SA</a>

Photo via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/">Visualhunt.com</a>

Photo via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/">Visualhunt.com</a>

Photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/zbellink/4673931374/">Alex Bellink</a> via <a href="https://visualhunt.com">Visual Hunt</a> / <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/"> CC BY</a>

Photo via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/photos/people/">VisualHunt</a>

London Scout  scoutthecity.com  https://unsplash.com

Tis' the season for love. My holiday message to you!

Hi Ladies

I wanted to take a moment to send you some holiday love and to wish you an incredible New Year, from my family to yours! 

2016 is in its final sunset...and Tis’ The Season’ is in the air.
 
Tis’ the season, for kissing under mistletoe. Cuddles on boxing day in your best Christmas jumper. Holding tight to your loved one as the ball drops… OR NOT!
 
For some of us, more like Tis’ the season’ of your single life being scrutinized by relatives far and wide + every other TV advert reminding you of that singleness. YIKES!
 
A time of year where season greetings are filled with...
 
“Meet anybody special yet, dear”
“When are you going to meet a nice boy?”
And worse… “You're not getting any younger”
 
And just when you think it’s over; the tree comes down, the garland packed away, and the ball drops without that meaningful NYE kiss...
 
BAM! The world pukes heart shaped everything all over you come Valentine's Day.
 
And even though WE BOTH KNOW that Valentine's Day is the ultimate example of a ‘retail holiday’… YOU STILL FEEL IT. That loneliness, that desire to find someone amazing to share your life with, but how? Where? When? Who? WTF?
 
PLUS, YOU’RE A ROCK STAR! Breaking glass ceilings wherever you go; career + social life + travel + family… all boxes so fiercely ticked! But your love life?? Yikes! Whassup with that???
 
Feel like I am telling your story? I AM.
AND it was my story too, lady.
 
If you had told me 10 years ago, that I would soon be meeting the love of my life and then get married, OH how I would’ve laughed.  And then, gone off somewhere privately, and cried.
 
I was so far away from that.  So silently hopeless about finding love. How would my patterns changing enough to meet and keep, real love?   I had made some progress. I had stopped jumping into relationships on date 2, like in my early 20’s, I had stopped dating the same guy with a different name and a different face. However, now I was in this new weird phase of experimentally dating different types of people, which kinda’ morphed into somehow attracting the craziest nutters out there.

Online dating was kicking my butt. I was frazzled, my confidence was plummeting, my faith in humanity, shaken.  

I was ready to give up. To “Just focus on my career” till… I’m not sure what? The universe randomly decided I was a good enough girl to hand me love?!?!?
 
I knew THAT method, the whole “the moment you stop looking, IT will happen” was not what had garnered me success in my career, my lifestyle, and fulfilling so many of my other dreams.  So, why would it work in love?
 
I also knew the common denominator was ME. That the blame couldn’t be placed squarely at the feet of the men who were ‘finding me’ cause’ I WAS CHOOSING THEM. Ouch. 
 
I felt very much adrift in my search for love and change. The messaging out there was beyond confusing for a woman like me. And even within my community of strong feminista’s, I was struggling to decipher those messages too.  Why yes, I do NOT need a partner to do this, this and this, um... but what if I want one?  

Admittedly, we were a whole lotta' blind leading the blind, doing the best we could.
 
I was convinced that being a strong kick ass woman, breaking glass ceilings AND wanting to find a loving partner to share my life with, were mutually exclusive.  I was filled with shame around wanting love AND filled with shame that I could not translate my usual success in career, family, social life to my love life.  

Add, my biggest mistake, I was muddling through it on my own, unwilling to ask for help in this area, allowing heartbreak to be my only teacher.  
 
So yeah, progress was minimal and slow, my love life was all sorts of CHOO CHOO train wreck! 
 
FINALLY, I hit bottom. Rocky, hopeless, am I broken(?!?!) bottom.
 
Then, I asked for help; put a lot of hard work in on myself, challenged my historical ideas about giving and receiving love and about myself, as a woman. I got crystal clear on what I wanted, and what I needed in a relationship and partner. Upped my self worth. Combatted shame with forgiveness… truth was I never had very good relationship role models growing up, NO ONE teaches this necessary skill set in school,  so no wonder I was a bit of a mess.
 
I opened my mind, heart AND mouth, no longer afraid to admit I wanted love and partnership. AND SO MUCH MORE…

 
Tell it on the mountain!!! MY GUY SHOWED UP!  Here came Mark and his teeny tiny dog, Parker. A person who in no way resembled anything I would have dated in my 20’s or even my early 30’s… however with my heart and eyes now wide open. I SAW HIM. AND I LOVED HIM!  Besides, how could I say NO to itsy bitsy Parker’s puppy eyes?

THIS NOT THE PART OF THE EMAIL where I patronizingly say “IF it could happen for me, it could happen for you, dear!!” 

Cause’ that statement, we’ve ALL heard too many times, isn’t helpful.
 
HOWEVER, if a train wreck like me, whose most consistent Achilles heel in life was LOVE, can wake up from the haze of mixed messaging out there, put the work in, and transform how I attract, give, respond to and receive love…. I CAN DO ANYTHING!   EVEN HELP OTHER WOMEN, LIKE YOU,  DO THE SAME!  
 
My personal story is a big part of why I do what I do.  But, here’s the other BIG reason.
 
When I first decided to be a Dating and Relationship coach, the feedback I got from friends was mixed. MEN in my life, told me there was no money in it.  I should, with my professional background, be doing corporate coaching, and then promptly told me how I should run my business.  SIGH. 
 
No WOMEN, not even the fab female biz mentor I hired to help me start the business, who I hired to tell me what to do, ever told me what I SHOULD be doing. They asked questions and offered support.   I didn’t walk away from my very financially rewarding career to, once again, do what I should, cause it would make me a lot of money.  Hellz no, I didn’t! 
 
And, the women, who I spoke to about my crazy idea, LOVED it.

However, they loved it… in this kinda’ weird way.
 
Which led to my next biggest turning point; I went to a small female entrepreneur masterclass. I was in a room filled with glorious, confident, successful, powerful women running their worlds. It was euphoric for a feminist like me.  When it came round to me, to intro myself, I said ‘I am a dating and relationship coach with a focus on empowering women in the arena of love’… SILENCE. These lionesses turned into lambs, their eyes filled with terror.  Some of them, who were just moments ago fiercely telling their biz stories so eloquently, had a hard time even articulating their struggles with love.  So much of that power, that Wonder Woman badassery, simply evaporated when they stepped into the arena of love.
 
That is the moment I knew, MY GIRLS NEEDED ME. 

That THIS, was worthy work.  

MY worthy, necessary, work to be doing.
 
+Eureka! I was not alone. My story was not a one off. TOO MANY OF US ARE FILLED WITH SHAME, FEAR AND HOPELESSNESS AROUND LOVE and the help that is out there, for the most part, isn’t designed with us feminista’s in mind!
 
Lastly and MOST importantly; bearing witness to my clients completely revolutionizing how THEY attract, find, give and receive love through our work together?!?!? 
EPIC. SOUL QUENCHING. HEART EXPLODING. 
 
So yeah. I love doing what I do.
 
I shall power on, smashing my goals, fighting the good fight, for you, for love, in 2017!

 
On that note; The women in the Feminista Seeks Love FB group have made their voices heard with some ideas for new webinars for 2017.  I will be in the laboratory over the holidays to produce the first of these new training's, which will be a HOW TO of online dating for the empowered independent woman.  Stay tuned! 
 
You should totes come join us on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/groups/939926752808019/
 
I will also be running my current FREE webinar ‘The 5 Shifts To Take Your Love Life From Horror Flick To Rom Com’ the first week of January, so if you’ve missed out before OR simply want to hop on for a refresher… claim your spot!

2nd of January at 6:30pm London / 1:30pm NYC / 10:30am LA
5th of January @ 7:30pm London / 2:30pm NYC / 11:30am LA
https://app.webinarjam.net/register/31882/f33131026f
 

 
Let’s make 2017 THE year YOU turn this whole love thang, right side round!
 
Happy Holidays! xx
 

Breaking glass ceilings WITHIN...

Happy FEMfriday!

I wanted to take a moment to tell you about a recent experience of mine.

I ventured out last weekend to a Women’s retreat in the wilds of Devon UK.  Fifty five women, from all over, uniting to dig deep and heal.

Fifty five women, under the same roof, bunked in shared rooms, at varying stages in their life and healing.  

Fifty five, crazy ass women, looking to love and be loved.

The focus of the retreat was one of excavation; looking back at the events of our lives, the highs the lows, the successes the failures and the harm done to us, as children right through to mature women.  A full frontal facing of trauma, lifelong fears, negative head chatter and limiting beliefs that often scream at us, ‘I AM NOT ENOUGH’.

Kicking off Friday night, was writing out a chronological life story of sorts. The timeline we created, for many of us, made clear note of abuse, sexual assault, abandonment, self-harm, fractured relationships, self-loathing.  Yeah… the ‘low’s’, were down a deep hole for sure. 

The timeline, for many of us, also made clear note of achievement, successes, love, self-care, change and triumph. Never, ever forget the highs!

The facilitator challenged us, ‘These things, are what happened TO US, however they are not WHO WE ARE.

I witnessed bravery.  Women naming, some for the very first time, the wounds on their souls and bodies, the shame they internalized and how it was still effecting their relationships with family, partners, and friends to this day.

I witnessed vulnerability. The beauty and power of revealing ourselves without fanfare or masks, for all to see.

I witnessed the realization that so many of us, utilized our successes as the sole source of our identity, as well.  That our need for approval, comfort, control and power, often in response to the harm we had survived, had led us to build up a reliance on our performance as the only way we could measure our self-worth. Constantly in the circus ring of our minds and life, trying to BE ENOUGH.  And desperately lion taming everything and everyone around us. 

I witnessed terror. So many of these woman came into the main room Friday evening, eyes wide, thinking ‘What have I gotten myself into’?!?!  And it wasn’t the work that was freaking them out… it was the thought of being with other women. The mind sniping away, ‘women can’t be trusted’, ‘don’t let them see you weak’ and ‘this is the competition’.  

I witnessed the effects of how we are socialized from such a young age, to view one another as competition. That our emotions, our innate ability to love, to feel passionately, is considered a liability.  At the workplace, in love, in friendship, even as small children… these labels like ‘high maintenance’, ‘bitch’, ‘ she’s too much’, ‘she’s hard work’, ‘needy’ and ‘emotional/hysterical’ are not welcome.  How we internalize that messaging, view our very DNA as weakness, then promptly shun these labels.  And each other.

I was grateful, that the idea of being surrounded by women, no longer fills me with anxiety. I know we are stronger together. I know that we can have bonds, beyond brunch and getting our nails done (though I like those things too!).  That when I build a coven of strong women, I tap into a source of power, confidence, self-worth, and love, like no other human connection.  That in the end, the people I can actually truly be myself in front of, and be me with absolute identification and empathy, IS WOMEN!

I broke through quite a few glass ceilings of my own. 

I cried, in front of my small work group of 7 women, most of which were strangers, openly. The tears fell free from my eyes, without shame, without my own habitual reaction of forcibly pushing them back deep down where no one can see… or hell even a care for mascara.  FFS, I needed that!  

Sunday afternoon, I stood in front of 55 women, in what very much felt like a school lunchroom of possible mean girls, grabbed the hand of my 13-year-old self, and stated “I am that strong, feminist, SHE-RA and empowered woman you all see, BUT I am also struggling to make new friendships since moving here to the UK, in need of connection, and very VERY capable of falling short and self-doubt, like anyone else!”

I asked for help.  AND, I got it.  I have a pocketful of phone numbers AND even have some coffee dates in the diary with some of these women.

I think one of my biggest life lessons, one I have to constantly re-learn, is... IT’S OKAY TO NEED AND ASK FOR HELP.  That I am worthy of help. That I do not have to have all the answers, and I do not have to sort it all out on my own.  That absolute self-sufficiency is not the definition of being a independent kick ass woman. That as a human being, and as a woman, I am designed to desire and need human connection. 

That being brave enough to ask for help is actually way more aligned with that Wonder Woman persona then trying to leap buildings, on my own, in a single bound.  Get your coven of super hero women in check, cause lady… we ALL benefit when we unite!  

What's that got to do with LOVE you ask?  E V E R Y T H I N G!  If I want love to flow, both in and out of me freely... I need to open the door AND clear a path.  For me, I couldn't clear it all on my own, I needed help, BIG TIME. 

Speaking of Wonder Women uniting...  I’ve been doing a 7 day Confidence Challenge in the new FB Group ‘Feminista Seeks Love’, today is day 5 but it’s not too late for YOU to become a member and grab on to the benefits!  Think you can’t up your confidence in 7 days???? Well, there is one sure way to find out, doll.  Take the Challenge with us!

Support your local girl gang; https://www.facebook.com/groups/939926752808019/