Yup. It’s time to talk money. How very gauche, I know!
And yet, it needs saying and doing, my dear. Recently, divorce lawyers weighed in on a country wide survey about the most common causes for divorce and separation.
Right in the top 3? FINANCES.
Spending the money. Managing the money. Agreeing on the money. It can be any couple’s nemesis.
Giphy.com
It’s not uncommon for couples to have very different core values around money. Sometimes this is directly influenced by their own upbringing, however, people can have very similar childhood experiences with money i.e. being raised with hardly none or more than enough, and come into adulthood with widely varying mindsets around money, even if the environment was the same growing up.
And yes, it would be best to partner with someone who shares the same core values and mindset around money… however many of us either didn’t know how important this would prove down the road or simply had no idea why it was important at all, before we got into our relationships. And now. The disagreements around money are sucking the life out of us.
Ironically, having more money does not solve this disparity mindset and arguments around money. Studies have shown that couples with less money, fare better overall in challenging area, than those with a all the money.
I guess the Notorious B.I.G. was right… mo’ money mo’ problems. Indeed.
We can shift our mindset around money quite a bit, but our core values are typically only truly transformed by a life changing event, like birth and death, for example. Perhaps we have always saved every dollar/pound we’ve made, and then we experience the unexpected and swift decline of a friend due to cancer… we suddenly realize, life is too short and start to truly treat ourselves to holidays, spa trips and the like. We may have an elderly parent, facing severe economic struggles as their own health declines, and realize that if we do not temper our own values around money and start saving, that too could be us some day.
But, what do you do, if your partner is on the other side of the money mindset as you?
Giphy.com
More in more, in our modern day, couples are separating their finances completely from one another. This can be a solution, however, more often the lack of transparency sows the seeds of distrust, that undermine real partnership. Add in the need to negotiate separate payments month on month, of shared expenses and holidays, and it only creates more opportunities to disagree. If one partner is financially more capable than the other, due to an earning difference, the 50/50 split of all things in such a separate manner is rife with limitations, discontent and resentment.
- Unpicking the core values behind your own and your partners beliefs around money can be incredibly enlightening, and open the door to empathy and respect.
- Learning how to communicate your needs and hear the needs of your partner, around finances, is also crucial.
- Compromise means we find a halfway point, a beautifully curated meeting place, where both partners get their needs met. And the money gets spent or saved, in a way that makes sense to both parties.
It's time, to talk about Ben and Jenny...
Recently, I had two lovely private coaching clients, a couple named Ben and Jenny, who really struggled around money. And by struggle, I mean fought bitterly over how to spend it. The more they made, the more incensed the arguments became. In our work together, we took some time to step outside the familiar old box of arguments, and have a good walk around.
Both Ben and Jenny had grown up in households where money was quite scarce. And yet, they had completely opposite core values in response to that early experience of finances.
For Ben, money was meant to be spent.
All his hard work, was so he didn’t have to deny himself, or his family, like he was denied as a child. Holidays, gifts, dinners out... were all rewards earned and money well spent.
giphy.com
For Jenny, money was meant to be saved for a VERY rainy day,.
Money tucked away for when the chips were down in life, to spent in the far off future on absolute necessities.
As we began to dig in...
Jenny realized, if it wasn’t for Ben, AND HIS CORE VALUES AROUND MONEY, she would never EVER had seen all the places around the world they had visited. She would not have allowed herself these holidays. These absolute highlights in life, she enjoyed so very much!
Ben realized, that if it wasn’t for Jenny AND HER CORE VALUES AROUND MONEY, they wouldn’t have a growing nest egg for their children’s university education. It was Jenny's core values that were allowing them to provide for their family in an incredibly high impact way.
Once we established some concrete appreciation... empathy, understanding and love could come back into the space, where finances lived, in their relationship. Once we have those three superpowers back in the ring of a relationship, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
It was a powerful pivot point. One they hadn’t thought possible, before our work together.
Are you tired of bickering about money? Done with years of trying to convince your partner that your way, is THE WAY, forward, with little success? Let’s start the process of sorting it, once and for all.
I have something that could prove very VERY valuable to you. A space where you can learn and love. Recently, I started a closed Facebook group, in order to provide you with more access to the incredible knowledge and tools I have to offer, to creating the relationship you both deserve. Your exclusive invitation is right here!