SAVE MY MARRIAGE! The conflict resolution edition
Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership?
Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication.
EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key. No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way. Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.
What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?
I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.
Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things. We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted, both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort. Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.
The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view. ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning. In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.
Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.
Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict.
In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture, many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.
In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’. Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.
Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever. Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution.
What are your fears around conflict and confronting others?
DATING TIP THURSDAY: Do a FIRST MEET before a FIRST DATE
One of the very first things I work with my private clients around is what dating, with intention and with discernment, should look like. That there is a somewhat formulaic dynamic to meeting the right person for us, and connecting in a meaningful way. I say ‘somewhat’ because I don’t believe in rigid cookie cutter rules of dating, as my clients are anything but cookie cutter people. However there is template to being more successful out there in the wilds of the modern dating jungle, and this is the very first step.
Ditch the whole FIRST DATE, and go for more of a drive by, FIRST MEET.
A first date, is something that ideally lasts a minimum of an hour, and includes more commitment of your time and almost always includes a feeling of more pressure. ESPECIALLY if you are looking to meet someone from a dating app for the first time in real life… deffo go for a FIRST MEET.
So what do I mean by a first meet?
A first meet is a casual 30 minute max type of face to face first contact. It’s a quick ice cream in a (well lit and very public) park, it’s a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a stroll through an exhibit at an art museum, type of thing.
A FIRST MEET is designed to do a few things:
1. Confirmation of visual attraction. FACT! We are, by our nature, visual creatures, unless of course we are visually handicapped in some way. And whilst we may have had a bevy of photos on their profile, if you have been out there in the wilds for long, you have probably already met someone off a dating app who most certainly did NOT look like their profile pics.
2. Confirmation of other forms of initial attraction. This can be tonal, pheromonal or even just the energy someone emanates. The sound of someone’s voice, they way they smell, hold themselves with their body language or just in general first impression present themselves can be uniquely attractive or unattractive, to another person.
3. Confirmation of interest. And by that, I DO NOT MEAN A SPARK! I think we are selling ourselves and others short, in this overwhelming belief that a spark should be instantaneous and visceral. I’m talking about that piquing of curiosity that says ‘huh, I’d definitely like to discover more about this person’. That moment when we realise, ‘hey! I’m having fun! I think we could have more fun if we gave it an hour or two on a proper first date.’
That’s it. That’s the first meet. A quick, how do you do, that should, no matter how well it is going, end at the allotted time. Why? Why would I want to end a good first meet if we are really hitting it off? Well my dear, there is some powerful phycology about leaving them wanting more AND, perhaps even more important, holding boundaries, even small ones in the early stages of dating, is empowering and necessary for your well being. Slow it all down, and lean into abundance and away from the scarcity that is telling you to hurry things up before its too late!!
Even if someone is pressing for an elaborate OTT first date, where they want to whisk you off your feet… dial it down. Go for a much more brief FIRST MEET. I can report myself, on more than one occasion, falling for that long incredible invite of a first date and then desperately trying to find ways to get out of said date early cause it was all wrong. Keep it sweet, short and simply pressure free.
Inviting GRACE into your relationship is a must
As a relationship coach, I get calls, emails and messages every week from couples in crisis. They are at the breaking point in their partnerships, one the knifes edge of calling it quits.
I would estimate, that in 90% of these inquiries, upon further investigation, the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment they are experiencing is not just limited to their relationship.
More often than not, they as a couple and as individuals have had a hell of a year or last couple years. Life on life’s terms has not been kind as of late, and things like…
Ill health themselves or in their immediate family
Career related stress, job loss
Bereavement/death of a loved one
Financial stresses or bankruptcy
And, YES even something as wonderful as welcoming new life AKA having kids can be extremely life changing and very stressful on a partnership
What I always advise in these circumstances is GRACE. Which is usually met with befuddled stares, and you, dear reader may be equally WTF’ing at that word, too.
What I mean by GRACE isn’t tied to the often easy association of spirituality or religion, but to the essence of what that word means which is COMPASSION, PATIENCE and the GIFT of time.
First, lets think of it, as a GRACE PERIOD. We can all wrap our heads around that one. All of our bills, mortgage payments etc... have a due date, but also something called a ‘grace period’ which is some breathing room, we may need from time to time to make that payment.
When we are under stress, experiencing crisis in our lives, it can trigger a fight or flight response (or both!) and especially if we are limited or powerless to change at aspect, we will focus on what we can change and apply the fight or flight to that… and our relationships are easy targets, for sure.
This fight and flight doesn’t necessarily trigger in the thick of the storm, but actually its common to act on it after. After, we faced a year if unemployment, fervently seeking a new job, freaked out on how the bills are going to be paid BUT now we found that new job, and our body and mind can unclench and act.
After we are faced with that health scare or triumph over a life-threatening disease or accident, we are so used to being in crisis mode, that unconsciously we seek to extend the new norm of panic and look to other areas to recreate that state of emergency. Surviving becomes a way of life, and its hard to shift out of survival mode, even after the dust settles and we are free to do so.
And, I can tell you from first hand experience that the birth of my glorious baby 2 years ago, whilst magnificent, wowee, life changing???!?!! Um, yikes! And also RELATIONSHIP changing! The dynamic my husband and I had, that worked so well for us, for years... poof, gone! The game changed and we were clueless and absolutely in survival mode that first year. Who am I kidding, the still sleep deprived struggle is still very real.
So, yeah. When people come rushing to me, to validate that EVERYTHING in their relationship MUST change, right now or else…. I counsel GRACE.
I say to them, you’ve invested 5, 10, 20 years into this partnership, can we offer up a mere 90 days more of a grace period before we push the eject button? Can we offer ourselves first, then our partners the patience and grace to acquire some new ideas, some new tools to see if we can shift into thriving mode? Think of it like, a guideline of ‘no major decisions in at least the first few months’ after experiencing major drama in our lives, before we possibly create some more, that could permanently alter our lives, any maybe not for the better.
How do you think you can create some grace, (the space to breathe, heal and care) in your life, AND in your relationship today?
Top Dating Tip: Don't overshare!
This week, I wanted to dole out a top dating tip that has helped alot of my private clients create real, lasting connection.
TOP DATING TIP: DON’T OVERSHARE ON THE FIRST FEW DATES!
In this modern age, where so much of our personal life is out there on social media with the click of the post button, and where we are also chatting with a stranger online one minute and out on a date with them the next, it seems like the faster we go, the better it may be. .. but you simply can’t hotwire intimacy like that.
Genuine connection and Intimacy takes time, and should be a slower paced, reciprocal process. Oversharing may make us feel more connected in the moment, due to the heightened vulnerability we feel however its more likely to repel people than attract them. There are many terms for it, but my favourite is one Brene Brown calls, flood lighting. Floodlights are powerful almost blinding lights that will instinctually cause someone to shade their eyes, and back away from the source. And sharing our deepest hopes and dreams and/or darkest secrets or traumas, early on in the dating process has the same effect.
Dating is all about getting to know someone, over the course of many dates. Its why its called ‘DATING’ and not ‘DATE’. Connection works best as a beautiful unveiling of authentic layer by authentic layer. We do want to discover commonality and create mutual connection that has a positive association as soon as possible however that should start in a more light hearted playful way, like shared music interests, sense of humour, hobbies and passions, NOT shared childhood trauma, history of sexual escapades, or that we know we want exactly 2.5 children and a house by the seaside by age 40. Lets leave all that till the person we have been dating for a few months has proven they are worthy of hearing and holding our innermost hopes and fears.
State of the Union; A Top Relationship Skill
NO. This is NOT another blog about politics! Whew!
This is an email about a crucial relationship tool that every thriving couple needs in their repertoire.
One of the tools I teach couples to incorporate at least annually, if not quarterly is the skill of having open conversations about where they are at, where they want to go, and what is and is not working in their relationships, and in their lives.
If you can’t come together, and have these sometimes hard but wonderfully productive chats with our partners… free of judgement, free of blow back… then you will miss out on a the life transforming aspect of partnership. See, ‘we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life’ (thanks PRINCE!) and if we are not in relationships, that are true partnerships, where we can have a free flow exchange of ideas and support, then what is the point of it all?
Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash
When is the last time you asked your partner what they were happy about in their lives? What they wanted to see change?
Notice, I DID NOT even go there on the relationship yet?!? We are not here to just check in on the relationship, but also check in on the person who means so very much to us in this world. To express concern and also to offer care, if needed.
Today, I wanted to provide you with an super beginners, easy template to get your very own ‘State of The Union’ talk going.
Cause’ darling, SURVIVING is not enough… I want you two to THRIVE!
Photo by Lawrence Crayton on Unsplash
Remember, this is a two way street. You BOTH need to answer these questions.
It may be an impromptu conversation, however, often a bit of warning works best. Give each other time to think about these questions, before you meet to have this chat.
First, outline some ground rules. This isn’t a ‘WE NEED TO TALK’ doom and gloom exercise. This isn’t an opportunity to argue or to defend your corner. This is about a safe space, where we can open up, get honest, and take great care of one another! Think of this as a general health check up at the doctors.
Ready? Here we go!
Part one: Health check on your partner’s overall happiness.
What went really well for you, in your life, this year?
Is there any part of your life, you are not happy with? What would you like to see happen differently?
What can I do to help?
Part Two: Health check on your relationship together
How are WE doing?
Is there anything you think needs to change or improve in our relationship?
Have I done anything to hurt you or cause you worry?
What can I do to be a better partner for you?
When we have this conversation, this time next year, what NEEDS to change between us? And what NEEDS to stay the same?
Would it be easier if we had outside help to accomplish these relationship goals?
Super basic, right? Notice, this isn’t a bitch fest. This isn’t just focusing on the bad, but also and starting with, what is going well.
Try not to cherry pick this list too much. There is a method to this madness. Starting in a positive place, and starting on you as individuals, is by design. A very evolved expert design, dearest one!
I would LOVE to hear back from you, how our conversations went! Drop me a comment below.
And if you feel that some outside help, some education in relationships skills, is what is needed… I’m here for you.
Already my client diary is getting booked up and busy with new clients who want to start 2023 off in a new, healthier and thriving direction. I invite you to be one of them.
Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love call below.
Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating
I was, once again, tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.
“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.
Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”
Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash
I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.
Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.
Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.
Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.
Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.
Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.
Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.
Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.
Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???
Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash
The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.
We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.
And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.
Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.
It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward. Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash
We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle.
Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!
This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life. Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved!
I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call!
If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life.