Hey there lovely,
Last week I talked about Limiting Beliefs AKA Negative Head Chatter that can totally block your ability to be open to giving and receiving love, and worse, hold up a big ol' stop sign to even meeting one of the ‘good ones'.
First and foremost, addressing and kicking some serious limiting beliefs butt, requires that you can spot them. If you missed last week’s blog, head over to read up and follow the general guide I laid out. http://www.jessicaelizabethcoaching.com/blog/2016/10/13/love-killer-closed-minds-closed-doors-how-youre-blocking-your-chances-to-find-love-and-be-more-loved-and-what-to-do-about-it
Second, you need to know WHY carrying around this negative head chatter is blocking you from love. AND learn how to distinguish between trusting what your gut is telling you and what is actually negative head chatter blocking you from entering the arena of love.
If you can’t tell the difference, or truly believe that this is not affecting your chances at love; that these limiting beliefs are your friends, sent by the brain to protect you heart and should be relied upon… Nothing I am about to say, or any of the other experts say on the subject of limiting beliefs, will matter. So let’s sort that first.
Limiting beliefs put us in a mindset to close doors on new people, engagement in the unknown, relationships and in general to the infinite possibilities in the world. When what we we really need to do is open those doors wider, create, participate and put more of ourselves out into the world. Many of my clients don’t even realize they are thinking like this and/or that this type of negative mindset is killing their chances at love.
You can also throw a block right up, when you hear the word ‘negative’, as if by admitting you have negative head chatter or limiting beliefs, that means you are a negative person. NOT AL ALL. Breathe with me now, ‘cause THAT is not how those maths work. Whew!
It’s a jungle out there in the world of dating and love. You are not being crazy to realize that as a real truth. Disingenuous people, rejection, heartbreak, disappointment and sometimes just downright non sensible actions of otherscan give us reason to have real cause to pause a bit, (been on a great date, really hitting it off with someone, they say they had a wonderful time and then ghoooossst? Never hear from them again? Um yeah what the what is that about??).
However, limiting beliefs are not about the brain helping to protect the heart in a rational manner. I am not talking about learning from past mistakes or our ability and intuition protecting us from real tangible pain. Limiting beliefs are more like ‘big fish’ stories. It takes a real situation and then begins to exaggerate it in your mind and in your current thinking. Going from a good size fish, to the biggest fish anyone has ever seen, fast. And then it tells you, there are no big fish, it will never be as big as that last fish OR the big fish, always get away. So why bother going fishing at all?
An easy way to spot a lot of Limiting beliefs is they tend (though not always) to be very finite, grand sweeping generalizations.
Here are are just a few common limiting beliefs, I mentioned in last week’s blog;
All the good ones are taken.
They never call.
Nothing ever works out for me.
No one is looking for a real connection
I always get hurt in the end.
‘Dating’ today is the worst.
All the people on online dating sites, just want sex.
I can’t do X because what ifY happen.
That’s not what men/woman want.
I’ve been hurt before and I can’t go through that again,
I am going to pull through a couple of these now so you can see exactly how limiting beliefs can damage your ability to be open AND why learning to re-write them, is crucial so you can begin the work to removing these blocks.
Yup, I said “begin THE WORK’… these thought patterns did not magically appear overnight, some of them are years in the making and I have even come up against some, with clients, that spawned as far back as childhood. So yeah. This is not a magical 1-minute quick fix, HOWEVER, I do know with certainty that if you engage in addressing your limiting beliefs, and stick with it, magic CAN and DOES happen!
I mentioned last week, that as a coach, my job is often that of a mirror and a sounding board. Getting help with this process is highly recommended, because an outside ear and an outside perspective, gets HUGE results MUCH FASTER. A coach is trained expert in this work, so they will speed up the process. However, you can definitely start with a really trustworthy friend, who isn’t afraid to tell you like it is and who you’re willing to work with their feedback. There are also a host of great books on this topic out there. I will add a few I love at the end of this blog, if you are so inclined to do a bit of reading on the subject.
So, take my hand, doll. Let’s just have a quick look see and you can judge for yourself how Limiting Beliefs can stop you in your quest for love.
I want you to imagine you are out on a date, having a really great time, with someone who is seriously ticking the boxes. I want you to envision what you look like and sound like during this date. Are you smiling wide? Are your shoulders back? Head back laughing loudly? Working your signature smirk or raised eyebrow, like a boss? Leaning forward across the table, eyes connected, maybe you and your dates hands are slowly inching across the table toward one another? That sparkle in your dates eyes twinkling away. You have both completely lost track of time. Let’s even throw a few tummy butterflies into the mix. Oooh, we likey butterflies! Your body warm, crackling. You are feeling it, big time. Take a moment here to really flesh out in in your mind, being there, on this great date. What a REALLY fab date looks like, sounds like and feels like to you. Close your eyes, see yourself there and step into that place.
Now. I want you to imagine, in that amazing place, feeling so happy and free… your head starts to whisper (and maybe even yell)
I ALWAYS GET HURT IN THE END.
This date is going so well YEAH BUT… THEY NEVER CALL.
NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT FOR ME.
I’VE BEEN HURT BEFORE, AND I CAN’T GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN.
Now make note of what happened to your smile? Still wide and easy? Your shoulders? Are they hunched over? Did you look away breaking eye contact? Still leaning forward in anticipation or now back in your chair, opening the distance between you? Starting to doubt just how great this date might be? How wonderful this person really is? Hands still up in the air dancing like you just don’t care? Uh huh, that’s what I thought.
Here is another scenario;
A really good friend calls you up and says; “OMG, I have the perfect person for you! I told them about you and they are super keen…here is her/his number to call and set up a date” OR “OMG, I just met an amazing guy on blank dating app, you HAVE to try this app, IT TOTALLY WORKS!”
Are you filled with excitement? Asking for all the juicy details on this mystery person from your friend? Putting her on speaker so you can download that new dating app pronto, filled with hope that if it worked for her, it will work for you?
Or are you thinking…
I can’t call him… THAT’S NOT WHAT MEN WANT
DATING TODAY IS THE WORST
I can’t call him/her cause… NOTHING LIKE THIS EVER WORKS OUT FOR ME.
ALL THE PEOPLE ON DATING APPS JUST WANT SEX
Okay, so it worked for her, but I CAN’T SIGN UP, BECAUSE ALL I EVER GET ARE THE LOSERS
ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN.
On a scale of 1-10, (1 being HELL NO and 10 being ALREADY DID IT) how likely are you to make that call, set up that date or join that new dating app? Hmmm mmmm… not so much right?
Of course your personal responses may vary a bit from the script above, but I hope you get the idea. These thoughts, this negative head chatter, can actually close you down and block you from taking action. We can defeat ourselves before ever stepping into the arena of love, just through our mindset.
Still believe those zingy one liners are real time truths that are best heeded for navigating your way through the world?
Well, let me just step in here and blow that up a bit.
So, ALL the good ones are taken, you say? ALL of them? How about that great person your best friend met last year? The same friend whose busy planning her wedding right now?
I always get hurt in the end, you say? ALWAYS? EVERY SINGLE TIME????
Nothing ever works out for me! NOTHING? EVER??? How about that great job of yours? That promotion at work? Those tickets you won to that concert? That amazing flat you had your heart set on that you got??
All people on dating apps just want sex! ALL of the people? I hate to break it to you doll, but millions of people (men, women, and everything in-between and beyond) are signing up to these apps every month, and ticking the box for ‘long term relationship’ as their true desire. So, ALLLLL the people????? Nope. Not even close.
Okay, I know. I was a bit rough with you for a minute. That’s my American red head charm AKA super direct coach, coming out. Whoa, easy girl.
However, you needed some REAL talk to challenge that negative self-talk, FAST. Once we break ourselves open to the possibility that NOT all, or EVERY time, or ALWAYS, or EVER EVAH… is a generalization that does not apply to all people, places, situations…guess what? It means there is THE possibility, THE chance, THE smallest or maybe even now, THE widest opening for LOVE to get in! And the proof you needed to open up and take action. WOOT! And with that new found knowledge, we can begin the real work of challenging and re-writing these limiting beliefs in way that can create cognitive change in how you view the world AND how you engage with it. BOOM!
Stay tuned, next week I will review how to start re-writing these limiting self-beliefs to start shifting out of the negative head chatter and into the open mindset needed to find and keep real love.
Some books recommendations about Limiting Beliefs;
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (She is a star and I highly recommend reading ANY of her books. Yup, I’ve got a girl crush big time on Brene’s research & approach)
Awaken The Giant Within by Anthony Robbins
How to Change Your Mind and Life by Martin E. P. Seligman, PHD
(tip; hit your local library, check out a few of these first and feel your way to which one gets it and gets you)
#datingcoaching #limitingbeliefs #blocknomore #opentolove #openhearted #openmindopenheart #bebrave #lifeskills #negativeheadchatter #breakingfreeofself