DATING TIP THURSDAY: Do a FIRST MEET before a FIRST DATE
One of the very first things I work with my private clients around is what dating, with intention and with discernment, should look like. That there is a somewhat formulaic dynamic to meeting the right person for us, and connecting in a meaningful way. I say ‘somewhat’ because I don’t believe in rigid cookie cutter rules of dating, as my clients are anything but cookie cutter people. However there is template to being more successful out there in the wilds of the modern dating jungle, and this is the very first step.
Ditch the whole FIRST DATE, and go for more of a drive by, FIRST MEET.
A first date, is something that ideally lasts a minimum of an hour, and includes more commitment of your time and almost always includes a feeling of more pressure. ESPECIALLY if you are looking to meet someone from a dating app for the first time in real life… deffo go for a FIRST MEET.
So what do I mean by a first meet?
A first meet is a casual 30 minute max type of face to face first contact. It’s a quick ice cream in a (well lit and very public) park, it’s a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a stroll through an exhibit at an art museum, type of thing.
A FIRST MEET is designed to do a few things:
1. Confirmation of visual attraction. FACT! We are, by our nature, visual creatures, unless of course we are visually handicapped in some way. And whilst we may have had a bevy of photos on their profile, if you have been out there in the wilds for long, you have probably already met someone off a dating app who most certainly did NOT look like their profile pics.
2. Confirmation of other forms of initial attraction. This can be tonal, pheromonal or even just the energy someone emanates. The sound of someone’s voice, they way they smell, hold themselves with their body language or just in general first impression present themselves can be uniquely attractive or unattractive, to another person.
3. Confirmation of interest. And by that, I DO NOT MEAN A SPARK! I think we are selling ourselves and others short, in this overwhelming belief that a spark should be instantaneous and visceral. I’m talking about that piquing of curiosity that says ‘huh, I’d definitely like to discover more about this person’. That moment when we realise, ‘hey! I’m having fun! I think we could have more fun if we gave it an hour or two on a proper first date.’
That’s it. That’s the first meet. A quick, how do you do, that should, no matter how well it is going, end at the allotted time. Why? Why would I want to end a good first meet if we are really hitting it off? Well my dear, there is some powerful phycology about leaving them wanting more AND, perhaps even more important, holding boundaries, even small ones in the early stages of dating, is empowering and necessary for your well being. Slow it all down, and lean into abundance and away from the scarcity that is telling you to hurry things up before its too late!!
Even if someone is pressing for an elaborate OTT first date, where they want to whisk you off your feet… dial it down. Go for a much more brief FIRST MEET. I can report myself, on more than one occasion, falling for that long incredible invite of a first date and then desperately trying to find ways to get out of said date early cause it was all wrong. Keep it sweet, short and simply pressure free.
Top Dating Tip: Don't overshare!
This week, I wanted to dole out a top dating tip that has helped alot of my private clients create real, lasting connection.
TOP DATING TIP: DON’T OVERSHARE ON THE FIRST FEW DATES!
In this modern age, where so much of our personal life is out there on social media with the click of the post button, and where we are also chatting with a stranger online one minute and out on a date with them the next, it seems like the faster we go, the better it may be. .. but you simply can’t hotwire intimacy like that.
Genuine connection and Intimacy takes time, and should be a slower paced, reciprocal process. Oversharing may make us feel more connected in the moment, due to the heightened vulnerability we feel however its more likely to repel people than attract them. There are many terms for it, but my favourite is one Brene Brown calls, flood lighting. Floodlights are powerful almost blinding lights that will instinctually cause someone to shade their eyes, and back away from the source. And sharing our deepest hopes and dreams and/or darkest secrets or traumas, early on in the dating process has the same effect.
Dating is all about getting to know someone, over the course of many dates. Its why its called ‘DATING’ and not ‘DATE’. Connection works best as a beautiful unveiling of authentic layer by authentic layer. We do want to discover commonality and create mutual connection that has a positive association as soon as possible however that should start in a more light hearted playful way, like shared music interests, sense of humour, hobbies and passions, NOT shared childhood trauma, history of sexual escapades, or that we know we want exactly 2.5 children and a house by the seaside by age 40. Lets leave all that till the person we have been dating for a few months has proven they are worthy of hearing and holding our innermost hopes and fears.
Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating
I was, once again, tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.
“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.
Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”
Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash
I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.
Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.
Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.
Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.
Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.
Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.
Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.
Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.
Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???
Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash
The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.
We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.
And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.
Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.
It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward. Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash
We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle.
Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!
This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life. Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved!
I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call!
If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life.
BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE
The Reason You Can't Get on a Second DAte - PART TWO
Time for part two of the Why You Can’t Get Past The First Date; Love letter.
Last week I wrote to you about scenario one, The date one goes really well, and then POOF! the person disappears, or you get the dreaded follow up message ‘sorry, I just didn’t feel a connection.’ and if you missed it, check it out here.
This week we address…
SCENARIO 2: After much promising messaging, date one does NOT live up to expectations, and you find yourself on the first date merry go round, without ever meeting people they want to go on a second date with. Not getting out on dates sucks but, wow a seemingly endless cycle of DUD dates, can actually be worse.
The dreaded, dud date. The ‘will I EVER meet anyone I connect with’ hopeless cycle of dud dates. Seriously, it can be soul crushing. But why does this keep happening? Is it a case of, all the good ones are taken, strikes again?
I can guarantee you, its NOT true that all the good ones are taken, and there ARE some great people out there you can truly connect with on a deep level.
The problem is, you don’t really and specifically know what you are looking for AND you are not calling those people to you through your online dating profile, messages or actions in the real face to face world.
I know that might sound harsh, but real talk is what you are always going to get from me , dearest one.
In the first few sessions I spend with my private clients, I help them to understand the dynamics of meeting the right people, and faciliate these clients getting really clear on what they are looking for in a partner and relationship. We always start with the WHO. Who they are, and who they want AND need in order to thrive. We wave a whole hearted goodbye to generic descriptors like.. KIND, FUNNY, GENEROUS, SMART, etc.. and drill down to what these words really mean to them AND what someone who truly fits thier definiation of these traits looks, sounds and acts like so we can recognise them.
And we don’t stop there! We work on updating thier dating profiles to call the right ones in, and repel the wrong ones far far away. I always say, the love is in the details, and we use all the detail we reveal in our coaching sessions about the who, what and why of thier desires and needs to weed out the duds, before we ever waste a single moment of thier prescious time getting out on that first date with a dud, and start getting out on first, second and third dates with people who have real potentional for connection and love.
Here is the just one of the questions, I ask these clients, that I want to offer up to you today so you can start getting some real clarity on what you are looking for, so you can start to fine tune your search.
Write a list of all the character and physical traits you want in a partner, AKA the funny, emotionally intelligent, and yes, even the tall or fit descriptors we use… and THEN, go back and define what each one means to you. Like, you are writing your very own dictionary, describe that “funny” means to you.
Here’s the thing, NO TWO CLIENTS EVER HAVE THE SAME EXACT DEFINITION! And neither will you, my dear.
The Reason You Can’t Seem To Get a 2nd Date, revealed!
One of the most popular complaints I hear from people, is they can’t seem to get past a first date. I hope these three tips facilitate some tangible change in how you are approaching and engaging with your very next, first date!
New Year. New Love Life!
You might be wondering why this Love Letter is coming a good week and half after the ball dropped? That first week of the year is a social media frenzy of ‘New Year, New You’ goal smashing inspirational paraphernalia, which can help to kick start the 2023 momentum however it fades from the news cycle on your timeline, fast. If you are anything like me, I start off very strong on January 1st, and quickly and surely the resolve that resolutions take, can wane. So think of this weeks Love Letter, as a pick me up before all the steam of your ‘new year, new you’ whistles out.
What type of resolutions and goals should we set around our dating life?
Here are a just a few of my favourite few ways to create some tangible change in your search for love.
GET OUT, OFTEN.
Shake off the winter hibernations doldrums, and step out of the online dating comfort zone by actually getting out to meet real people in the real world. YES! It IS possible to meet people in real life! In fact, in our post lockdown zoom screen glued world, people are more eager for face to face connection than ever before. Check out some local hobby clubs, interest groups, and pub quiz nights and, if you are really ready to grab 2023 by the proverbial horns, check out your local speed dating and singles nights.
2. LET ANY OLD FLAMES DIE OUT
Whether 2022 saw you fall prey to the bread crumbing trend of people stringing you along, or you’re cyber stalking your ex’s Instagram… it’s time to let that shizzle go. Do the work to heal your heart and free your mind to be truly open to new possibilities.
3. DO AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE REBOOT
Time to ditch the older pics, add some new ones and be unabashedly and unapologetically you, all over that ‘About me’ section. My clients are always amazed when we do a full revamp of their online dating profile how much of an uptick in swipes and quality of messages and people they attract.
If you do nothing else, but these 3 things, you will notice a shift in your dating life.
If you know, these things would help, however are not going to be enough to truly transform your love life, it might be high time we had a chat. Book your FREE Breakthrough to Love call today, and lets get some quality time to talk about where you’re at and where you want to go, with love.