I hear it from clients and friends all the time…
“Dating is really taking a toll on my confidence.”
Followed really quickly by… “I am going to take a break from dating” or …
“I thought the date went really well, but then GHOST” or… “What am I doing wrong??” or… “I find myself thinking before the date is even over, why am I doing this?? he/she probably won’t even call!” AND even… “Maybe there just isn’t someone out there for me”.
And somehow, what should be a really fun, exciting, FAB, single life has become a bit of a pit where dreams go to languish.
AND, it just doesn’t make any sense! You’re WONDER WOMAN; rocking it in your career, your social life is filled with great friends, interesting hobbies, travel blog worthy holidays and in everywhere BUT dating, the love is flowing. What’s up with that????
Ladies, mindset is real thing. A real, action packed, dynamic, life changing thing. And when our confidence becomes battered, our mindset shifts from the realm of possibility to the realm of impossibility. Add in a bit of shame you may be feeling around the fact that you are single (lawwd knows plenty of society is doling that out to you in spades). That you cannot, for some crazy reason, seem to mistress this area of your life (like you mistress like a boss everywhere else in life). That, even worse maybe, by admitting that your love life needs help, or admitting that you are (yikes) LONELY, that those admissions somehow makes you less of an empowered, independent, woman (which is total BS, by the way)! You can find yourself camped out in the mindset hallway of life. Too ashamed/frustrated/distressed/shaken to go up to any of the doors in the hallway and get out. I know that place. That waiting room like hallway. Pride, ego, hopelessness, resentment, shame and low self-esteem adorn the walls of that hallway, like some morbid art exhibit. It’s not pretty. And it’s a hallway, that EVERYONE passes through in this life, it’s NOT however, by design, somewhere we want to hang out in for long.
Confidence is the key to walking up to the door and getting out of the hallway. Confidence, is our outward bravery, and when we got it, it makes those hallway doors appear more inviting and you feeling way more capable of walking through them!
The following are 3 really simple actions you can take to harness a more confident mindset. As a Dating & Relationship coach, I will focus on them from a ‘find real love and keep love’ perspective HOWEVER the ways you can use these tools, are limitless for ANY area of your life.
1. VISION BOARDS – We’ve mostly all heard of them. Some of you are flexing your best eye roll right now, just at the mere mention. I get it. I did too. Setting our intentions can be done in a lot of ways but visual stimulus is very powerful. A Vision Board is a visual representation of where you want to go, to do, to be and what you want to accomplish. The general theory behind it is, by visualizing the finish line, it will help you manifest those goals in real life. It sounds a bit more hippy dippy, hokey pokey, than it really is, as it has been scientifically proven that people who remind themselves in a graphic way of what they need to do and why, get more shit done AND more of the things they want out of life. Think of it as a pictorial TO DO list, a TO DO list that is gleefully more expansive and dreamy then ‘take out the garbage’ or ‘call mom’. Vision boards are a dream life TO DO list. A vision board can serve as a powerful reminder to get your head screwed on right, your feet pointed in the direction they need to go, motivation on the days motivation is in short supply, and creates a visual bitch slap to the negative gremlins partying like rock stars in your head. By keeping your eye on the finish line, you also get way less distracted and pulled off course. There are many ways to do a Vision Board, from old skool crafty, get out the scissors, collage, hang on the wall type deal, to Well Hey there 2016 Pinterest /Instagram Vision boards filled with images and inspirational quotes, to some really great apps you can customize to pull up on your phone whenever the moment calls for a reminder to YOU just what YOU are working towards AND what YOU really want from this life. I saw a woman on the tube just the other day, with her headsets on watching her Vision board on her phone. I asked her about it (cause I’m a nosy American like that), and she told me she engages with her Vision Board every morning on her way to work. It starts her day off clear, centered and knowing exactly why she is doing what she doing and what she is working towards. Creating a unique vision board around LOVE and CONFIDENCE is equally as powerful. Include images of what your dream relationship would look like, inspirational quotes and loads of eye candy around just how confident you want to feel and be when you walk into a date. Oh I don’t know, like an image of Beyonce owning the stage and/or a picture of gorgeous you doing something amazing with a smile as wide as a canyon on your face. A vision board is for you and you alone, so whatever that relationship goal and confidence looks like, feels like, heck even smells like is completely up to you. AND no one is going to see it but you. Well except nosy American me on public transport… Seriously, let yourself go and create! And if the ‘yeah but’ gremlins show up, tell I said SCRAM! They are not invited to your Vision Board party, here ANYTHING is possible. Let. Go. Dream. Big.
2. ROCK THE PLAYLIST; Music has long been the nectar of emotion for human beings and that is just as true today as when the first human banged a rudimentary tempo out on a rock. We communicate, we stimulate, we congregate and make grand overtures to one another, through music. Anyone reading this has that one song you volume 10 that changes the way you feel and gives you a bit more pep in your step. And doll, it’s high time to made a grand overture of love, to you. I post every week on my Facebook page and Twitter something I call ‘Anthem Tuesday’, where we offer each other a song from our current empowerment and love soundtrack. Guess what, I do it as much for my followers, as I do it for me! We want to stimulate all our senses to help shift the mindset from negativity to positivity, from limited to limitless. Get to work, carve out a delicious playlist of empowering songs and hit that ‘play’ button hard on the way to your next date!
3. DESIGN YOUR OWN CONFIDENCE MANTRA; My Confidence Mantra tool is an incredible exercise I reach for with clients, all day long. It’s a ‘build your own’ model, which, in my experience, is imperative. Yes, inspirational memes, vision boards and power playlists are a great ways to surround yourself with positive thinking however there is nothing anyone can say or write that will be more powerful for your mindset than your own words, in your own voice. A traditional mantra is a repetitive statement/prayer/spell cast that is used to set intentions and call out to the universe. And my bespoke ‘Confidence Mantra’ works the same way. Here is a general framework for writing your very own personalized Confidence Mantra.
• Part 1 –Set your intentions for THE DATE. Ask yourself, what's my primary purpose for this date? I know, LOADED questions, right? And NO, meeting my future life partner is not necessarily the right answer! For those of you out there in the dating world for a bit, especially those nearing burnout territory, you know that ‘having a good time’ on a date, is not necessarily a guarantee. You are intimately acquainted with the exact moment when you want to stick a fork in your eye or your dates eye (choose wisely) just to make it stop OR offering prayers to the many faced god, to set the restaurant on fire so you can leg it out of there, OR just that sinking moment when you realize, THIS is going nowhere fast. So when we set our intentions for the date, it really is for THE DATE; the best case scenario for DATE ONE whilst dialing back all the pressure of perfection. A client of mine, Kathleen, decided that for date one, if they could have great flowing conversation, some belly laughs, eat some YUM food and both leave feeling like they really REALLY wanted to see each other again… for date one THAT would be a huge win. Her first line of the Confidence Mantra went like this…
“We will have a great time; we will laugh HARD, eat some YUM food, have good flowing conversation, AND… can’t wait to see each other again.”
To start, use Kathleen’s framework above as a template to writing your very own Part 1 of the Confidence Mantra. What are some of the things you would be doing, saying and feeling if the dates was going really well and YOU were to have a good time out?
• Part 2 - Write down 3 things you KNOW you have to offer. Three things you truly believe are incredible assets, that YOU have to offer on a date and to a potential partner. It can be ANYTHING. Your great sense of humor? Successful? Open heart? Great laugh? Independent? Knock out pair of legs you worked damn hard to get? Fierce intellect? Adulting like a boss? Thirst for adventure? Sharp political wit? Fierce independence? Your ability to bring home some serious bacon? Once you have your 3 bad ass things, frame them into the second line of your confidence mantra, sounding something like this…
“I am going to let ‘thing 1, thing 2 and thing 3’ SHINE BRIGHT tonight. I will allow them to lead me, like a beacon, through my negative head chatter, my doubts and my fears and into a GREAT date night out.”
This is about re-writing some inner dialogue. And some of the dialogue may be many years old. Two keys here are, to use this as an actual mantra, so REPEAT 5 times, 500 time, 5000 times, EVERY DAMN DAY, if that’s what it takes. Set your intention like a boss! AND the second key is MAKE IT BELIEVABLE. It’s crucial to make your mantra believable, TO YOU. You are a smart cookie, telling yourself some boldface lies, ain’t gonna cut it, sister. So, walking around saying, “I am walking into a date with my future husband/wife” + “I’m a ’10’, comedian grade funny and my farts smell like roses” when you do not actually believe any of that to be true will either, not work at all, OR get you just over the threshold of the restaurant before that bubble pops! Be you, doll. You are enough! Make sure YOU know your Confidence Mantra to be true! NOW, tweak that shit! Make it your own! Your own voice, your own tone, your own language. THEN… repeat, repeat repeat!
People who have confidence, are not in possession of some inanimate magical object that just gives them that confidence, daily for free. Confidence requires action. It’s a muscle in the mind that has to be worked and built up. There are loads of ways to exercise your confidence muscle, the above being just three of them I felt are great ways to kick-start the journey. Hey lady, give it a shot. The proof is in the pudding. Take a few weeks utilizing them as a trial, Use them to prep your mind before your next date. Develop a regular practice of taking these actions to build your confidence and see how you feel at the end of those few weeks.
“A journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step.” – Laozi
Have you heard?? I am offering TWO FREE LIVE online trainings this month! Thursday, October 13th and Sunday, October 16th. Amongst other valuable work around finding real love in the real world, I will be covering confidence AND self-worth, ooooooh! Come on over & sign up! http://bit.ly/feministalove
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Till next week, my lovelies!
Sending you ALL the love,
Jessica Elizabeth