One of the most popular complaints I hear from people, is they can’t seem to get past a first date. I hope these three tips facilitate some tangible change in how you are approaching and engaging with your very next, first date!
Discover THE cornerstone to finding and keeping LOVE!
Oh my, this week’s topic applies to ALL of us, regardless of relationship status.
My Love Letter to you, is focused intently on the very cornerstone that any search for love OR attempts to nurture loving relationships, rests upon.
Photo by Anna Sullivan on Unsplash
That cornerstone, is our individual level of self-love.
Many of us don’t recognize how our own lack of self love is affecting our relationships and how we present to others. The symptoms bare themselves out, but the root is harder to see. We can address some symptoms in the moment however the coaching work I do with my clients is about sustainable change, not momentary epiphanies, therefore we go deep to the source, so true love can flow.
The most common symptoms people call me with is a lack of confidence and self-worth. And whilst there is work we can do to be more confident, and to build our self-worth… if we don’t focus on self love, most of our efforts will be for nought.
Why?
Self love is the seed, from which a forest of self-worth and confidence can grow.
Photo by Trent Haaland on Unsplash
We must sow the seeds deep, and in great abundance!
This week I am running a SELF LOVE CHALLENGE in my fb community and I wanted to share it with you, too. The following is a step by step process to spend your next 7 days, taking action to curating a practice of self love.
Are you ready to take the challenge towards more self love?
7 DAY SELF LOVE CHALLENGE
Challenge Step 1:
>> Make a list of at least 10 items you know are acts of self-love for you, and you alone.
Ten actions, that are not just self care of your basic needs but strongly affectionate acts that bring you joy, calm, happiness, wellbeing, pleasure physically, emotionally and spiritually. Ten acts that are real treats, genuine special splurge like ideas, that maybe you just don't allow yourself often enough, that bring you childlike wonder and joy, and are just for your own absolute pleasure!
*this could be... making a beautiful dinner that you eat by candlelight with some of your fav music, yoga, reading a good book for pleasure, long walk in the countryside, chocolate, spa day, facials, fav pod cast, coaching, time with nephews and nieces, spin class, meditation, jumping in the sea, fancy meal out, antiquing, live music, being creative with art or hobbies, positive affirmations, a course that will fulfill your soul, lunch in the sunshine, open mic nights, and on and on and on!
Challenge Step 2:
It’s time to get really REAL with ourselves and assess just how active we have been in our self love.
>> Take some time here and line by line, item by item, make a numerical notation next to each item that correspond with how many times you actually participated and partook in each of these estimable acts of self love on your list, in the last 30days.
Photo by The Journal Garden | Vera Bitterer on Unsplash
Challenge Step 3:
>> Take out your calendar/diary and schedule in SOMETHING every day!
It doesn’t have to be an hour yoga class… maybe 15 minutes on a Yoga app before bed? It may not be 30 minutes of mediation at 7am, but instead a sleep mediation you find on youtube you use at bedtime. It may not be a grand dinner with friends, but scheduling in a 10 minute phone call to your bestie for a giggle.
Do not let your perception of time, stop you from loving you. Find ANY time you can, every day to LOVE YOU!
Intentionally CARVE out 5 minutes on one day, 20 minutes on another, 1-2 hours on a Sunday.. whatever it takes to implement even the smallest act of self love, EACH DAY. It’s high time, you make YOU the first stop on the LOVE tour.
Maybe you don’t have a top 10!?! Maybe you have never EVER considered yourself, your needs, your desires, your care as a priority? Maybe you’re not even sure what makes you happy?
WELCOME dearest one. You're in the right place!
I challenge you to come up with a list, let your fingers to the walking on google “What is self love?”, carve out those same blocks in your dairy with the notation ‘Find my joy!’ and “Self Love’. Go out and experiment till you find your personal Top 10 list!
Find your happy places, and visit them daily!
Photo by Artem Bali on Unsplash
Challenge Phase 4:
Accountability in a challenge can boost your results tenfold...
>> Grab a friend and do the challenge with them!
>> Comment here with your lists!
>> Are you a single lady out in the wilds of the modern dating jungle? Then, dearest one, come join is over at the quite discreet and incredibly supportive, Feminist Seeks Love fb community, where we are doing it together! Join us, HERE
I do hope you accept this 7 day Self Love Challenge and boost that love for you by engaging with some real kindness, care and joy for yourself... as it will revolutionize how you find, attract, give and receive LOVE!
The Sacred Witchcraft of a Good Date, That Has Them Wanting More…
We rose from the ashes... blood and a whole lot of tears to find LOVE!
and YOU can too!
Image credit; Photo by Darius Soodmand on Unsplash
Let's hit the rewind button for a moment...
NYC, 2008; I found myself sitting on my Upper East Side front stoop, in tears, feeling so very left behind, and wondering what the point of it all was.
I had just got off a call, where I was informed of my exclusion from our annual friends ski trip, because it was now a 'couples thing'. OOOOOF! Right in the stomach!
My friends, all recently into new relationships, thought they were saving me from an awkward week of being the 7th wheel. All I felt was this absolute confirmation, that I was less than whole for being single AND that I was now firmly running way behind the pack. That they were somehow moving on, and I felt so very stuck. It hurt, and triggered something right to my core.
There I was, strong woman, super successful in my career, a great social life by most standards, living in one of the greatest cities in the world, and feeling so alone and lost. testTHATlower2, I was str8 losing the plot, on my East 87th street building stairs!
I was so far away from my hearts desire, of love and partnership, I might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy.
WHY COULDN'T I SEEM TO SORT THIS AREA OUT?
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
WAS I BROKEN?!?
Hitting rock bottom in dating, saved my love life.
Surrender, saved my sanity.
And a coach, turned my life, right side round.
Waving a white flag and finally asking for help in the arena of love, literally saved my sanity. It empowered me to a level of wonder womaness that I didn't know was possible, and didn't really know was missing!
My self esteem, SOARED! My Confidence BLOSSOMED! And my tolerance for BS in every area of my life, dropped as I learned how to boundary like a boss, and really have my voice heard!
Oh, It also netted me the most extraordinary partnership with a truly wonderful human being, who is so very worthy and able of building a life beyond my wildest dreams with!
Darlin' It ran so much deeper than just getting on on dates.
So much deeper than all the 'drive them crazy for you' tomfoolery I was reading about online.
And it was so not about learning the secret location to the bat cave where all the good men were hiding!
It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty on some days. But that worthy work, was one of the best decisions and investments in me, I've ever made.
Oh, and....
I AM NOT ALONE!
My clients experience this same love life revolution and
deeply personal transformation!
So much so, they wanted to share their experience, with other women, like YOU!
Here is a quick peek at Katie's story;
Catch Katies full testimonial under my RAVE REVIEWS
And the lovely superstar, Ruth!
Read Ruth's full testimonal under my RAVE REVIEWS
I am filled with such incredible gratitude when I receive these powerful testimonials from my clients. My heart just swells up against my rib cage with joy! That I have been able to help them facilitate tangible change in their love lives, AND short circuited the process that took me years AND years of blood, sweat and a whole lotta tears to figure out, simply because I was so convinced, I had to figure this out all on my own! I look back now, and I realize how crazy pants that was... and how I wouldn't and didn't hesitate to ask for help AND invest time, money and energy in my career, education, social life, heck even my travels... to get the results I wanted!
I hate to get all bragalicious over here, however one of my superpowers?? I have the actual mileage of working with incredible women and getting them results they never knew possible.
The proof is indeed in the pudding ya'll!
Can we real talk for a moment here?
There are a lot of folks out there who use the term 'expert' and claim they will help you attract the love of your life in 6 days (?!?!)... I'm not one to mince words, so let me boldly call BULLSH%T! on all that snake oil shizzle!
Transforming how we seek, attract, give and receive love is truly epic and worthy work, that takes time and a whole lotta heart!
Both of which I have no doubt, you have in spades, dearest one!
Before I leave you today, I want to let you know, my Spring 2018 Private 1-2-1 Coaching Programs are almost filled to the brim, with just 3 spaces remaining! If you are serious about revolutionizing your love life, stopping the endless going no where messaging of online dating and start getting out on to real 3d dates, with real 3d people in the real 3d world, the simple truth is, I CAN HELP!
2018 is cruising at top speed, and if you're not getting anywhere closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your life with, let's get on the phone and have a chat! FOR FREE!
I am offering up a my signature FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call today, so you and I can get right down to it, and start sorting it!
Let's go on a first date, lady! BOOK YOUR CALL!
Attain THE cornerstone to LOVE
Oh my, this week’s topic applies to ALL of us.
This week’s Love Letter is focused intently on the very cornerstone that any search for love or attempts to nurture love, rests upon.
Our individual level of self-esteem.
photo credit; Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
We cannot have meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with other human beings, if we first do not have a meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with ourselves.
Doubt, distrust, resentment, anger, fear, unclear communications, poor conflict resolution, are all typical symptons of low self-esteem. Whilst empowerment, confidence, goodwill and yes, LOVE… need the fertile soil of high self-esteem in which to take root and grow!
Before we dive in, allow me to clarify, from the very start, some of the confusion around Self Esteem.
Many of us think that Confidence and Self Worth (or self-esteem) are one in the same. Let’s pull those two things apart, right now.
Confidence is our outward bravery.
Confidence is the value we wish to show the rest of the world and what is reflected back to us. Confidence can be called upon in the moment, we can pep talk ourselves into confidence before you walk into that big meeting at the office or showing u p for the first day of a course, or before walking into social situations and event.
WARNING. Confidence is TEMPORARY.
That’s okay, temporary is what confidence does best. It just means confidence has an expiration date. That expiration date, is directly triggered by our self-esteem.
SELF-ESTEEM is our inner bravery.
Self -Esteem (or Self-Worth) is how we truly value ourselves, for ourselves. It can also be how we believe we are valued on a universal level. Are we deserving? Are we a good person? Exactly how smart, funny, kind, beautiful do WE believe we are? No one can define our self-worth, our internal value, but us.
The more self-esteem we have, the longer and more genuine our confidence (the projection of that value) lasts.
Self-esteem is an issue that arises for every person I speak with and coach. EVERY PERSON. Regardless of relationship status.
Photo by Jared Erondu on Unsplash
So how do we garner higher self-esteem? The simplest answer to that is do to estimable things. Acts of contribution, giving, care and love worthy of great respect.
So… okay, how what exactly does THAT look like?
When 'the patient comes' to me, complaining of, or displaying low self-esteem, the very first thing I do is check the their vitals.
I ask them, what do they do to love and care for themselves? What estimable acts, what actions of self-love and self care is part of their DAILY practice?
For some, the concept of self-care and self-love is alien. For others, these concepts though familiar, have been cut away.
Sometimes, life gets hectic. Careers, relationships, dating, heartbreak, kids, aging parents, and for way too many of us, the first person to be bumped down the priority list, is US! Acts of kindness and care for ourselves get cancelled out of the diary, put off to tomorrow or next week.
We can’t make that yoga class this week. No time for guided mediation, need to read this research instead. We find ourselves skipping meals; no time for breakfast, totally forget to eat lunch or devour something fast and not so healthy at our desks. Sleep becomes elusive. No time to see friends, too much on our mind to have a giggle. Our hobbies, that give us such pleasure and joy, maybe next week! Holidays, museum days, going for long walks in the countryside… they’ll have to wait too. We’re just to busy; such and such needs my attention, so and so needs my care, this and that needs to get done! It will have to wait, I WILL HAVE TO WAIT!
We are so busy caring for others, meeting our boss's needs, our partners, our children, taking yet another call from a client, a heartbroken friend, or the school, or our parent. We lose any regular practice of self-love. We find ourselves, our happiness and pleasure first on the sacrificial alter.
Yes. Caring for others, making a contribution to the world around us, both small and large are crucial estimable acts HOWEVER today, I want to challenge you... to bump yourself to to the tippy top of the priority list!
We simply cannot go out into the world, with our pitcher filled with water, pouring it out wherever we go, without making sure we are regularly filling it up again, and again.
So here is my challenge to you, if you choose to accept it, that WILL help you garner higher self esteem in just 7 days!!!
photocredit; Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash
Challenge Phase 1:
Make a list of at least 10 items you know are acts of self-care and self-love for you, and you alone.
Ten actions that bring you calm, happiness, wellbeing, pleasure and physical and mental health.
(this could be... yoga, reading a good book, long walk in the countryside, chocolate, spa day, running, facials, fav pod cast, coaching, time with nephews and nieces, spin class, jumping in the sea, fancy meal out, antiquing, live music, positive affirmations, therapy, lunch in the sunshine, open mic nights, and on and on and on!)
Challenge Phase 2:
Take some time here and line by line, item by item, make a numerical notation next to each item that correspond with how many times you actually participated and partook in each of these estimable acts of self care.. in the last 14 days.
Ex. Here is my personal list.
1. Ride my motorcycle (0)
2. Yoga/Pilates. (1)
3. Meditation (1)
4. A day at the seaside (2)
5. Dinner or coffee with friends (1)
6. Ice cream (!!) (2)
7. Going out for comedy/theatre (0)
8. Getting a Massage (1)
9. Bicycle ride (1)
10. Getting out of the office every day (3)
Challenge Phase 3:
Take out your calendar/diary and schedule in SOMETHING every day.
It doesn’t have to be an hour yoga class… maybe 15 minutes on a Yoga app before bed? It may not be 30 minutes of mediation at 7am, but instead a sleep mediation you find on youtube you use at bedtime. It may not be dinner with friends, but scheduling in a 10 minute phone call to your bestie for a giggle.
Intentionally CARVE out 5 minutes on one day, 20 minutes on another, 1-2 hours on a Sunday.. whatever it takes to implement even the smallest act of self care, EACH DAY. It’s high time, you make YOU the first stop on the self esteem your, and fill that pitcher.
Maybe you don’t have a top 10!?! Maybe you have never EVER considered yourself, your needs, your desires, your care as a priority? Maybe you’re not even sure what makes you happy?
WELCOME dearest one. You're in the right place!
I challenge you to come up with a list, let your fingers to the walking on google “What is self love?”, carve out those same blocks in your dairy with the notation ‘Find my joy!’ and “Self care’. Go out and experiment till you find your Top 10 list!
Challenge Phase 4:
Comment below your lists! This will also provide those who are struggling to come up with 10 self care acts with a fodder of ideas to try, so you get some points for contribution! Oooooh!
Post how you got on with putting you towards the top of that priority list this coming week!
Let me know how you are feeling AND how you believe this has effected your interactions and ability to contribute with and to others in your path!
I do hope you accept this 7 day Self-Esteem Challenge and boost that self esteem by engaging with some real kindness, care and joy for yourself... as it will revolutionize how you find, attract, give and receive LOVE!
Curating Confidence In Dating, LIKE A BOSS.
You present such fierce confidence at work, with friends, your take charge wonder woman attitude smashes most everyday challenges with such ease and yet… when it comes to the world of love and dating, that inner rock star has gone MIA.
And, I know it’s been savage out there in the dating world lately. You’ve gone on a zillion 1st dates or maybe haven’t even made it past the online dating message phase to get out on a date. And with each miss, your confidence plummets a few steps further down a black hole.
I hear it all day long, ‘confidence’ is the top item on almost every woman’s TO DO list, when it comes to finding and attracting love.
Confidence is our outer bravery. It’s how we translate the way we feel about ourselves on the inside to those around us, how we show our self-worth on our sleeve. Unlike self-worth, we can put on confidence like an off the rack dress, fairly easy, TEMPORARILY. And temporary is okay. Temporary is what confidence does best. It just means confidence has an expiration date. That expiration date, is triggered by our real time self-esteem.
The more self esteem (or self worth) we have on the inside, the brighter and longer our confidence shines on the outside. Think of self worth as the fuel we add to the fire we burn whenever we meet someone new. Building up higher self worth, is absolutely possible, and a HUGE part of the work I do with my private clients, but it takes time, practice and some hard graft. Today, we are going to zoom in and focus on CONFIDENCE.
We can indeed turn up the volume on our confidence, at will, even before we deep dive into up leveling our self esteem.
The following is a very short, and very sweet TWO STEP technique that you can start using today, in the very moments you pick up your phone to swipe away AND when you head out to that first date.
The Confidence Mantra
STEP ONE: THE END GAME
Take a few minutes here to think about what is the best-case scenario of this interaction, whether that be in person on a date, heading out to a group outing or event where you could meet someone OR simply clicking on your online dating app.
*WARNING* The correct answer to this is NOT “Meet the love of my life/future partner/the one/soulmate!!! Ease off that pressure valve, dearest one!
When I say best case scenario for this date/message/event, what I mean is HOW CAN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES or even THE NEXT FEW HOURS go really REALLY well? What would be a fantastic first date? What would it sound like? Look like? Smell like?
Maybe, that ideal first date for you, would look like…
We have a good time, laugh hard, eat some amazing food and the conversation flows nice and easy. There is a spark and the date ends with us both thinking and saying, we want to see each other again.
Notice, it was not focused on what the other person was going to be, but instead on the time you were going to create with each other? Focus on what #winning would like for this one interaction.
Also, there was no ‘love at first sight’ crazy talk. We need to keep it real AND yet still positive & gorgeous.
We do not want to walk in with super low expectations either like…
I hope he/she has a pulse. I hope I don’t want to stick them in the eye with my fork halfway through our meal…
Yup, I’ve been on those dates too, lady!
So now, let's phrase up this first step…
“We are going to laugh hard, have some yummy food, flowing convo and at the end, both of us can’t wait to see each other again!”
all photo via unpslash
STEP TWO; Show up in your Sunday best.
We want to show up, positively shining! Whether that be on a date, via a message sent online or at a local meetup. We have so much to offer that special someone, so very much to contribute to a real loving relationship. Tell me what you’re working with mama!
I want you to take a few minutes here to think of THREE things YOU are bringing to the table on this interaction.
It can be ANYTHING… your special brand of witty humor, your Star Wars nerd extraordinaire status, your incredibly kind listening skills, Open heart, Great laugh, Fierce intellect, Adulting like a boss, Thirst for adventure, Sharp political wit, your business saavy #bossgirl heat, and yes, even those damn fine legs you worked hard to get!
ANY THREE THINGS YOU KNOW you have to offer.
Once you have them, let’s construct the second part of that confidence mantra so it sounds something like this…
“I am going to let THING 1, THING 2 and THING 3 shine bright tonight! I will let them lead me like a beacon into a FAB night/date/message/event, with this person! "
Now… tweak that shit. Make it your own. Your own words, your own tone.
OWN. IT.
Then… ready?
RECORD IT.
Either type it up as a note in your phone or a personal voice memo, that so you can play back whenever you need it, cause mantras are all in the repeat! And we shall need to, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT as often as it takes to call up the light forces of our confidence!
My private clients LOVE this one, so brave up my lovely, try this technique out and let me know how you get on! Not only will you feel better about you, confidence is a killer at attracting others to us, like bees! Get buzzing!
And remember the wise words of Marianne Williamson as you two step your way through creating and using this mantra, my dear! xx
So... who's your bad ass wing WOMan?
“Empowered women, empower women”
It’s my personal battle cry, in life.
AND, the time worn advice, of having a wing woman, a trusted fab girlfriend to hit the town with, still works.
However, it can be really easy to get it wrong. And a night out with the girls can become the very last environment to meet someone new, let alone with the potential to become that elusive love of our lives.
Here are a few tips to negotiating the Sex In The Cityesque coup, of having the perfect wingwoman.
Wait a minute… How about we actually use those timeless fabulous ladies of Sex In The City to break this one down!?! Oooooh, yes please!
Here they are, at the beloved train wreck beginnings of finding love in NYC!
Four women, living in one of the greatest cities of the world, (who of course, cause this is make believe TV land could afford great apartments and a killer shoe collection well beyond their means, but I digress) who navigated all the ups and downs possible in their searches for love.
What made them a killer team? Each one was uniquely ‘killing it’ in their own right, career wise and personality wise.
From uninhibited Samantha, who seized every day (and every sexual encounter) like it was her last…
To Charlotte, the girl next door who never ever stopped believing in the fairytale..
To Miranda the smart, cynical realist kicking ass in her career and unwilling to settle in love..
To our beloved Carrie, who couldn’t make heads nor tales of dating but wasn’t afraid to admit it every week in her column.
These women, took on the meanest, leanest concrete jungle of love together, and won!
They also, never stopped being incredibly real with each other, which always makes for the best kind of friend to have.
But which one makes the best wing woman for you?
Miranda;
image credit; GIPHY
Witty, take no shit, Miranda. If you’re acting a fool, Miranda will tell you, loud and clear. We love AND need that. However, Miranda’s don’t always make the best wing women for a night on the town where finding love is the on the menu. Miranda came to spend some really precious time from her busy demanding career to be with her girls. She will not appreciate you spending half the night talking to that cutie who is whispering all the right ‘smash the patriarchy’ sweet things in your ear. Miranda doesn’t necessarily live her life by the ‘see what happens, go with the flow’ rules.
Miranda’s CAN make a great wing Woman, however, she needs to know the deal up front, crystal clear. Don’t tell her it’s a girls night out to spend quality time… tell her, you need her to go with you to this networking ‘do’ where some like-minded potential partners hang out, cause you want to meet new people and are feeling a bit too nervous to go it alone. If she knows the score, she will be epic support. Bait and switch her with a ‘girls night out’, and she will NOT be having it, and her energy will rain all over your parade that night
Samantha;
image creit; GIPHY.com
Sexy, swing from the rafters, fun Samantha. She appears to be the perfect, high energy, ‘let’s do this’ wingWOman… however, Samantha brings her own special brand of crazy to a night out. Samantha’s have the charisma milkshake to bring all the people to the yard AND she is down for whatever, wherever, which is a huge plus in going out on the town. Samantha’s also can get lost in their own wants and needs, she is a bit of a magpie for all the shiny bits.
If you want a solid night of sisterly support, Samantha has the potential to bail on you in the first five minutes when something sparkly catch’s her eye. She can interrupt a really great convo you might be having with someone, asking to head out to the next party. Samantha’s can overtake the conversation with her own heady radiance and if she finds something or someone she likes POOF, she’s gone.
Samantha just needs a firm reminder of the ground rules too and to be carefully selected for the event, itself. She operates best in the wilder party atmosphere OR something more regimented but quirky that requires her special inhibition to boost your own, like tango classes!
Charlotte;
photo credit; GIPHY
Sweet, always there for us, glitter eyed Charlotte. Feeling like giving up on love? Been ghosted for the one thousand and eight time? Call Charlotte. She’ll lift you up to the sky with her never-ending positivity and belief in love. We all need a Charlotte in our life.
Need a partner in crime for a gallery opening? A business minded networking event? A yoga retreat? Out and about, and the negative gremlins are saying, ‘don’t even bother to go over there and talk to him’? Charlotte! Charlotte! Charlotte!
Want to hit a dance all night party? A burlesque show? An alternative underground scene event? Um, nope. NOT Charlotte! She will spend most the night, dying to leave and bringing you down a bit with her.
The best thing about Charlotte's, is they're always in wingWOMan mode, tripping the love fantastic!
Carrie;
credit; GIPHY.com
Funny, sassy, fashionista Carrie! You need the real talk? Carrie’s got it, too!
You need someone with a flexible enough personality (and wardrobe) to transcend the warehouse party or a trendy restaurant opening? Carrie!
You want to try a personal development seminar, a co-ed bootcamp in the park or suited and booted business function? Carrie? Not so much.
But here's the deal. Carrie, knows exactly what a jungle it is out there and Carrie knows exactly why this is so important to you. She’s the friend who reminds you most of you. She get’s you like no one else. Also, Carrie is that friend that provides the relationship savvy to not just keeps the girl crew together but she actually has real experience in and out of relationships.
Carrie has the track record of success and some pretty spectacular failures in love, which is GOLD DUST!