As a relationship coach, I get calls, emails and messages every week from couples in crisis. They are at the breaking point in their partnerships, one the knifes edge of calling it quits.
I would estimate, that in 90% of these inquiries, upon further investigation, the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment they are experiencing is not just limited to their relationship.
More often than not, they as a couple and as individuals have had a hell of a year or last couple years. Life on life’s terms has not been kind as of late, and things like…
Ill health themselves or in their immediate family
Career related stress, job loss
Bereavement/death of a loved one
Financial stresses or bankruptcy
And, YES even something as wonderful as welcoming new life AKA having kids can be extremely life changing and very stressful on a partnership
What I always advise in these circumstances is GRACE. Which is usually met with befuddled stares, and you, dear reader may be equally WTF’ing at that word, too.
What I mean by GRACE isn’t tied to the often easy association of spirituality or religion, but to the essence of what that word means which is COMPASSION, PATIENCE and the GIFT of time.
First, lets think of it, as a GRACE PERIOD. We can all wrap our heads around that one. All of our bills, mortgage payments etc... have a due date, but also something called a ‘grace period’ which is some breathing room, we may need from time to time to make that payment.
When we are under stress, experiencing crisis in our lives, it can trigger a fight or flight response (or both!) and especially if we are limited or powerless to change at aspect, we will focus on what we can change and apply the fight or flight to that… and our relationships are easy targets, for sure.
This fight and flight doesn’t necessarily trigger in the thick of the storm, but actually its common to act on it after. After, we faced a year if unemployment, fervently seeking a new job, freaked out on how the bills are going to be paid BUT now we found that new job, and our body and mind can unclench and act.
After we are faced with that health scare or triumph over a life-threatening disease or accident, we are so used to being in crisis mode, that unconsciously we seek to extend the new norm of panic and look to other areas to recreate that state of emergency. Surviving becomes a way of life, and its hard to shift out of survival mode, even after the dust settles and we are free to do so.
And, I can tell you from first hand experience that the birth of my glorious baby 2 years ago, whilst magnificent, wowee, life changing???!?!! Um, yikes! And also RELATIONSHIP changing! The dynamic my husband and I had, that worked so well for us, for years... poof, gone! The game changed and we were clueless and absolutely in survival mode that first year. Who am I kidding, the still sleep deprived struggle is still very real.
So, yeah. When people come rushing to me, to validate that EVERYTHING in their relationship MUST change, right now or else…. I counsel GRACE.
I say to them, you’ve invested 5, 10, 20 years into this partnership, can we offer up a mere 90 days more of a grace period before we push the eject button? Can we offer ourselves first, then our partners the patience and grace to acquire some new ideas, some new tools to see if we can shift into thriving mode? Think of it like, a guideline of ‘no major decisions in at least the first few months’ after experiencing major drama in our lives, before we possibly create some more, that could permanently alter our lives, any maybe not for the better.
How do you think you can create some grace, (the space to breathe, heal and care) in your life, AND in your relationship today?