One of the very first things I work with my private clients around is what dating, with intention and with discernment, should look like. That there is a somewhat formulaic dynamic to meeting the right person for us, and connecting in a meaningful way. I say ‘somewhat’ because I don’t believe in rigid cookie cutter rules of dating, as my clients are anything but cookie cutter people. However there is template to being more successful out there in the wilds of the modern dating jungle, and this is the very first step.
Ditch the whole FIRST DATE, and go for more of a drive by, FIRST MEET.
A first date, is something that ideally lasts a minimum of an hour, and includes more commitment of your time and almost always includes a feeling of more pressure. ESPECIALLY if you are looking to meet someone from a dating app for the first time in real life… deffo go for a FIRST MEET.
So what do I mean by a first meet?
A first meet is a casual 30 minute max type of face to face first contact. It’s a quick ice cream in a (well lit and very public) park, it’s a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a stroll through an exhibit at an art museum, type of thing.
A FIRST MEET is designed to do a few things:
1. Confirmation of visual attraction. FACT! We are, by our nature, visual creatures, unless of course we are visually handicapped in some way. And whilst we may have had a bevy of photos on their profile, if you have been out there in the wilds for long, you have probably already met someone off a dating app who most certainly did NOT look like their profile pics.
2. Confirmation of other forms of initial attraction. This can be tonal, pheromonal or even just the energy someone emanates. The sound of someone’s voice, they way they smell, hold themselves with their body language or just in general first impression present themselves can be uniquely attractive or unattractive, to another person.
3. Confirmation of interest. And by that, I DO NOT MEAN A SPARK! I think we are selling ourselves and others short, in this overwhelming belief that a spark should be instantaneous and visceral. I’m talking about that piquing of curiosity that says ‘huh, I’d definitely like to discover more about this person’. That moment when we realise, ‘hey! I’m having fun! I think we could have more fun if we gave it an hour or two on a proper first date.’
That’s it. That’s the first meet. A quick, how do you do, that should, no matter how well it is going, end at the allotted time. Why? Why would I want to end a good first meet if we are really hitting it off? Well my dear, there is some powerful phycology about leaving them wanting more AND, perhaps even more important, holding boundaries, even small ones in the early stages of dating, is empowering and necessary for your well being. Slow it all down, and lean into abundance and away from the scarcity that is telling you to hurry things up before its too late!!
Even if someone is pressing for an elaborate OTT first date, where they want to whisk you off your feet… dial it down. Go for a much more brief FIRST MEET. I can report myself, on more than one occasion, falling for that long incredible invite of a first date and then desperately trying to find ways to get out of said date early cause it was all wrong. Keep it sweet, short and simply pressure free.