SAVE MY MARRIAGE! The conflict resolution edition

Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership? 

Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication. 

EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key.  No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way.  Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.

What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?

I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.

Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things.  We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted,  both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort.   Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.

The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view.     ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning.   In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.

Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.

Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict. 

In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture,  many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.  

In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’.  Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.

Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever.   Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution. 

What are your fears around conflict and confronting others? 

Inviting GRACE into your relationship is a must

As a relationship coach, I get calls, emails and messages every week from couples in crisis.   They are at the breaking point in their partnerships, one the knifes edge of calling it quits.

I would estimate, that in 90% of these inquiries, upon further investigation, the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment they are experiencing is not just limited to their relationship. 

More often than not, they as a couple and as individuals have had a hell of a year or last couple years.  Life on life’s terms has not been kind as of late, and things like…

• Ill health themselves or in their immediate family

• Career related stress, job loss

• Bereavement/death of a loved one

• Financial stresses or bankruptcy

• And, YES even something as wonderful as welcoming new life AKA having kids can be extremely life changing and very stressful on a partnership

What I always advise in these circumstances is GRACE.   Which is usually met with befuddled stares, and you, dear reader may be equally WTF’ing at that word, too.

What I mean by GRACE isn’t tied to the often easy association of spirituality or religion, but to the essence of what that word means which is COMPASSION, PATIENCE and the GIFT of time.

First, lets think of it, as a GRACE PERIOD.  We can all wrap our heads around that one.  All of our bills, mortgage payments etc... have a due date, but also something called a ‘grace period’ which is some breathing room, we may need from time to time to make that payment. 

When we are under stress, experiencing crisis in our lives, it can trigger a fight or flight response (or both!) and especially if we are limited or powerless to change at aspect, we will focus on what we can change and apply the fight or flight to that… and our relationships are easy targets, for sure.

 This fight and flight doesn’t necessarily trigger in the thick of the storm, but actually its common to act on it after.  After, we faced a year if unemployment, fervently seeking a new job, freaked out on how the bills are going to be paid BUT now we found that new job, and our body and mind can unclench and act. 

After we are faced with that health scare or triumph over a life-threatening disease or accident, we are so used to being in crisis mode, that unconsciously we seek to extend the new norm of panic and look to other areas to recreate that state of emergency.  Surviving becomes a way of life, and its hard to shift out of survival mode, even after the dust settles and we are free to do so.

And, I can tell you from first hand experience that the birth of my glorious baby 2 years ago, whilst magnificent, wowee, life changing???!?!! Um, yikes!  And also RELATIONSHIP changing!  The dynamic my husband and I had, that worked so well for us, for years... poof, gone! The game changed and we were clueless and absolutely in survival mode that first year.  Who am I kidding, the still sleep deprived struggle is still very real.

So, yeah. When people come rushing to me, to validate that EVERYTHING in their relationship MUST change, right now or else…. I counsel GRACE. 

I say to them,  you’ve invested 5, 10, 20 years into this partnership, can we offer up a mere 90 days more of a grace period before we push the eject button?  Can we offer ourselves first, then our partners the patience and grace to acquire some new ideas, some new tools to see if we can shift into thriving mode?   Think of it like, a guideline of ‘no major decisions in at least the first few months’ after experiencing major drama in our lives, before we possibly create some more, that could permanently alter our lives, any maybe not for the better.   

How do you think you can create some grace, (the space to breathe, heal and care) in your life, AND in your relationship today?

Why can't you get your partner to really hear and understand you?

Each couple I coach has their own bespoke set of challenges, however there are a handful of issues, that seem to be consistent in each partnership, tearing away at the fabric of their love, trust and intimacy.

• Loss of passion, not limited to, however also including a dying sex life.

• Poor conflict resolution leading to circular, go no where fast, conversations and arguments.

• Affairs, emotional and/or physical where one or both have gone outside the relationship seeking their needs to be met.

• Problems with in-laws and extended family, where boundaries and respect are not being cherished.

• Loss of love, where one or both partners no longer feels cared for in a way they need to thrive.

This is why my coaching programs always offer instruction, tools and skill learning opportunities for each individual, within the partnership, to become better at leaping these common relationship hurdles.

We always start at the very root; COMMUNICATION!  

Wowza, communication is such a big topic and everyone is failing at this, we just can’t figure out how to make ourselves heard and our partners understand.

This week, I want to offer up a significant first step on the road of communication, where so many of you may be falling at the very first hurdle. 

One of the worst things we can do, and the very first most of us do.. is projection of self onto our relationship. Your partner is not a version of you. This means that what and they think, their needs and how they translate the world around them. is not the way that you will.

We can get trapped in the resentment fueled circular thought process of how WE would never do such a thing, say such a thing or react in such a way!  We interpret their actions and words, through our own lens… i.e. ‘If I didn’t take out the rubbish when asked, it would be because I don’t have any respect for them, and don’t care how busy they are!’ 

Just because, that would be our motivation and inferred message in this action DOES NOT mean, that is how everyone else thinks, let alone your partner. 

In fact, my experience as a relationship coach AND within my own marriage, has shown that it’s almost NEVER that simple.

Men and women have very different communication styles because their foundational needs that are driving the communication are totally different.  Beyond that hetero normative angle (um, NO men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus) how we are raised, the role modeled behavior we saw growing up and our own personality traits directly impact how we communicate and resolve conflict. Newsflash, my same sex couples do NOT speak the same language simple because they are the same sex. If only, it was that easy!

Our communication boils down to our CORE NEEDS and If you are in the dark about these core needs, then here is your first problem and why you are struggling.

Your partner keeps saying,  “You never say, I love you!".

What do they really mean?

If you know that, you DO indeed say ‘I love you’, even occasionally, you will reject the whole statement at the “never” part sentence.  However, this unreasonable word, ‘NEVER’, is the first indicator that it’s not about the ‘I love you’ but something deeper and perhaps even completely different then the what the words above suggest. 

For men, and for many partners regardless of gender, this makes no sense.  AND, we have no idea how to solve it, so communication quickly becomes shut down.

Sadly, growing up we are not informed that being married for life needs life & relationship skills and new understandings.

Most couples are totally unaware of what they don’t know but need to if they are going to happily ever after this whole love thing.

How do we go from surviving, to thriving in our marriage and partnerships?!?

Please note: It’s not just you!  We ALL missed the Relationships 101 class at school, because it simply doesn’t exist, and many of us #notallofus, didn’t have very great teachers at home either.

I’m often the second to last call people make, right before the divorce lawyer or moving truck.  Crisis brings them to my door, and helping them breakthrough (their immediate problem) is a small part of what they really need. The biggest part is helping learn the skills to live a purposeful exciting life, as a team. It’s why I work with couples, and individuals in relationships, up to 6 months, personally guiding them through work around communication, love language, core values, mindset transformation, self love, intimacy, forgiveness and so much more.

You could say, I have created that elusive Relationships 101 class, we all missed.

And starting today...

CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION!

I have cleared some slots over the next couple of weeks for YOU to book a FREE Breakthrough To Love call, where we can spend 45 minutes together to sort a way forward in your relationship. 

(Yup, an appointment with me, FOR FREE!)

On this call, I will help you get clarity on where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love and your partnership.

IF, and only if, we both think it’s a good fit, AT THE END OF THE CALL, I may invite you to become one of my new clients and tell you about the coaching programs I can offer, that will provide you with the solutions YOU NEED, in order to save your relationship AND become more healthy and happy within your partnership. 

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE CALL APPOINTMENT HERE

Looking forward to speaking to you soon, my darling!

I found THE BIGGEST KEY SECRET to relationship happiness!!

And I, the relationship expert, didn’t even truly know THEN, just what an epic piece of the relationship puzzle this truly was, till THIS PAST YEAR!

Not me, not my partner…Neither of us had any real idea what an integral starring role this plays our very successful partnership.  And now that we do know, we can’t stop seeing WHY this is such a big deal.

Just last week, as my husband and I were wandering around the streets of Paris, on a quick city break…we found ourselves having this convo again about this integral element of our relationship bliss, that we had absolutely no idea during the dating and early relationship phase, was such going to prove to be such a BIGGIE secret weapon in our marital happiness!

This particular deep BIG OL’ core value issue comes up for many of my coaching clients, and it is, hands down, the hardest one to align and move towards reconciliation around…

What is possibly the most super crazy???   

NOBODY, NOT THE EXPERTS, NOT OTHER HAPPY COUPLES, NOT ALL THE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE MALARKEY ONLINE… NOBODY IS TALKING ENOUGH ABOUT THIS ELEMENT!!

Check it out. I know that my husband isn’t a unicorn.  He’s not some mythological beast and I just happened to stumble across.  I know our marriage is not just magically easy.  It takes active work on self-awareness, compassion and communication to make ANY partnership thrive.  And our relationship, is no different.  HOWEVER, we did get off on the best possible start, in one area, by luck really!    

Okay, let me back track for a minute here…

Before I met Mark, I had invested in love coaching, because my dating and love life was a #hotmessexpress.  In fact, love was my ultimate Achilles heel, for years.  No matter how much improvement I saw in every other area of my life, my romantic relationships lagged behind my usual badassery,. My love life truly resembled a rescue puppy dog headed back to the shelter.

One of the MANY results of that coaching work, was that I was way more intentional about WHO I was choosing and WHY. 

I had a relatively firm grasp on my CORE VALUES and had TAKEN OUT just enough of the ‘love will conquer all’ aesthetic, that was so not serving me, so I could make healthy relationship choices that were both practical and loving, towards myself and others.

I had learned that CONNECTION was the fuel for LOVE.   I also learned, that living with someone day in and day out, was the real nitty gritty of what can make or break a partnership. That lasting CONNECTION was about ALIGNMENT.

GUESS WHAT?  Even with ALL that knowledge, there was one thing that truly was luck.  Or at the very least, I had no idea would prove to one of the most important reasons my marriage works so well.

A day to day, core value issue, we both had no idea was so important, and that I give thanks for every day, that we got right, without even knowing how right we needed to get it, before we said, I DO.

Of all the things we identified during our chats, like our high level of mutual respect, the goodwill we have for one another, and the mega trust we had built… the ONE THING that really had one of the greatest impacts on why we are able to co-habitate and build a life with one another, was the least hippy dippy, wooo wooo of all???

HELLLLLO, MONEY MINDSET!!

 

image via Pixabay

ICK, Money?  Where is the rom-com, period drama like love in that??  

Here’s the deal. My husband and I have very similar outlook on money. It’s value, how to spend it, when to save it, where is the best place to put it, and what having it and not having it, means to us.  Our money mindset is not identical.  Emotionally I see money as independence and power, power to live a particular lifestyle and power to help others.  The hubba hubba, he emotionally ties money to security and stability. The means to those different emotional ends, is where we are so very aligned.

We rarely disagree on the monetary value of things.  We both had almost the exact number in mind when it came to putting on that quite expensive party of a wedding and no one is off sneaking around buying things and smuggling them into the house.  When I see a parade of Amazon purchases showing up on our doorstep, I don’t go running to check the bank balance.  I KNOW it's not in his nature to spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need and I too do not spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need! (For the record, I did NEED all those French moisturizers I bought in Paris!)

Our intellectual and emotional response to what money should be spent and what should be saved, are in alignment. 

Before we got married, we moved in together; Without too much discussion, we opened a joint checking account.  We both still had our separate checking, savings investment accounts.  When we got married, we consolidated ALL our money, aside from some retirement investments, without much deliberation or concern whatsoever.  We could only do that so easily, confidently (and freely) because we shared the same money mindset, and on that foundation, trust around money was easier to cultivate.

All of our individual purchases came from the very same account. Full stop.  At the time, I made well over twice as much money as he did, and never for a second was I worried he would go off  ‘spending all MY money’.  We split most things down the middle however from time to time, I gladly spent more, since I had more, without feeling any sense of injustice.  My husband, gratefully, does not tie his masculinity (or provider status) to bank balances, so he never felt threatened by our income disparity.

When I left my old career to pursue a coaching certification and start my business, it was all swings and round-a-bouts those first coupe of years, with who was earning and providing more money.  As a couple, there was little distress on our union, even though our overall income dropped considerably.   

I am not saying, joint accounts are THE KEY answer!  I am saying...

Looking back, we both realized that MONEY MINDSET was so crucial to our happiness levels in our life, and our marriage.

image via pixabay

Arguments over money and lifestyle associated to money is high up on the marriage killer offender list.  LIKE, WAY WAY UP THERE. 

As a Relationship Coach, who works with couples week in and week out, I can tell you that some of the most bitter resentments and seemingly insurmountable trials in many of these partnerships, is around money mindset.

The one thing every single one of us does EVERY DAY, even if we don’t leave the house, is breathe.. and spend money.  That light on my desk and the internet whirring silently, as I type this, are costing me money.

So what does an aligned money mindset look like?   

Well, firstly aligned doesn’t equate to mirrored.  Some differences in views around money can go a long way.  I can think of a few people I know, who the very last thing they need, is someone who spends money the way they do!  Either because, they would be in Las Vegas every night OR because they would save every last penny earned and never EVER go on holiday!  

HOWEVER, alignment is about two (or more) things moving in the same direction at the same time.  It’s an overall shared trajectory and understanding of what effect money has on our physical, mental and emotional well being.

There is no avoiding the hard truth, that in our world, money represents security.  Yet, perhaps the greatest contradiction, is that having more money doesn’t always makes different people feel the same way. 

Biggie Smalls said it best “Mo’ money Mo problems”.

This is why, even a couple who has ‘all the monies’ can be the couple who fights most viciously about that same money.  There is where the crux of alignment shows it’s face most clearly. 

 

THE KEY? 

It's NOT about how much or how little money there is, but our relationship and engagement with money, that matters. 

It's whether we are operating from a place of scarcity or abundance around money, and if we are behaving from possessive dependency or transparent interdependence.

image via pixabay

For those of you have yet to find your partner to be, I encourage you to dig deep about how you really FEEL about and actively associate with money.

It’s all very taboo in our society to talk about money and love together, however, please push past the messaging that this isn’t something that’s spiritual or loving or ‘done’ and start digging. 

The more clearly we choose a life partner based on our Core Values, the better chance we have at sustaining connection and love, for the long haul.   

For those of you reading this, who are in partnerships, and you are now thinking right now, ‘uh oh, we got big, BIG problems in this area’, please know that alignment is achievable, even for those who are frighteningly out of whack.

Willingness and understanding, of ourselves and our partners money mindset, is the base to which we can align ourselves to be moving in the same direction!  

We have to want to, and we have to be open to the idea, that our way is not the only, right way. Alignment is NOT bending others to our will!   As impossible as it may feel to you, I can guarantee that IF you proactively open yourself up to new ideas, and processes every day… in your relationship, at work, with friends, even on your holiday bookings, ALIGNMENT becomes possible!  

Sending you ALL the love!  xx

It's decision time! Should you stay or should you go?

We’re standing at a crossroads. Red light. Green Light.

We can stay, or we can go.

credit pixabay

No matter how many times we have turned this decision over in our mind, we remain stuck, fearful and confused.

One moment, every fiber in our body says ‘GET OUT’!!

The next moment, we never want to leave.

This one foot in, one foot out mindset and state of confusion, can cause the relationship to break down entirely. And the harm, the traffic buildup, can damage the entire city we live in.

And when we find ourselves stuck at that crossroads, staring desperately up at the traffic light, too paralyzed to move, it’s the obsessive questioning that is plaguing our will to love and love.

• How long can I live like this? 
• Does he/she love me anymore?
• What will happen if I leave? 
• Will I ever meet someone again?
• How did we get here?
• Can we get back to a better place? 
• Am I wasting the best years of my life? 
• What will my family say? 
• What will people think of me? 
• How will this affect the children?
• Why won’t he/she listen to me?
• Did I choose the wrong person?
• What’s wrong with me?
• How much crime TV does one have to watch to ensure no one finds the body? (just kidding, or am I?)

The above questions are valid, HOWEVER they’re the wrong questions.

They’re not making things any clearer because they’re driven by fear, helplessness, anger and resentment.

As long as we are paralyzed, unsure of which direction to go, we CAN NOT and WILL NOT invest, in either course.

credit; Unsplash/ Flo Karr

Often, at the very start of coaching people in relationships, I ask them to commit to something incredibly scary.  To suspend all their doubts and disbelief and decide wholeheartedly, TO STAY.

It’s a TEMPORARY ask.   

We set a specific timeline, usually 90 days, for them to absolutely commit to staying in their partnership. 

Why do I do this?

Well…

1. The merry go round of indecision is exhausting.  It can zap us of all our energy. We’re going to need A LOT of energy to focus on the work to repair and rejuvenate their relationship.

2. As long as you are standing at the traffic light, vacillating between green and red, stay and go, you will undermine ALL of the work that needs doing.  I want my couples to experience results. Often that result, is, a marriage or partnership SAVED!  Sometimes that result, is finally knowing beyond any doubt, it cannot be saved.  Staying in limbo is torture. Not just for the individuals in the relationship, but everyone within a 10 mile radius.  That traffic, gets WAY backed up! (and yes, that traffic… that city… it’s YOU, your partner, your family, friends and loved ones, my dear)

3. If our heads are swirling with the tornado of questions you have been asking yourself for months, even years… you won’t be able to hear the powerful life changing questions I have to offer. AND you need to hear them, dearest one.

WE HAVE TO GO ALL IN. 

TOP DOWN, PEDAL TO THE METAL. 

credit; Pixabay

Today, I want to offer up FOUR of these epic questions to you! 

My lovely, I cordially invite you to get into the drivers seat, take a deep breath and take your eyes off the traffic lights and put them on the road ahead of you, where they belong.

Ready?  Let’s go!

• So why, is being in this relationship AND making it work, important to YOU?
• If we were having this conversation 1 year from today, and you were looking back over that year, what has to have happened in your life for you to feel really happy with your progress. 
• What are THREE actions, YOU can do THIS WEEK, that would bring you one baby step closer to results you want to see in one year’s time?  
• What’s stopping you from doing them?  Resentment? Expectation? What conditions or doubts, spring to mind that are blocking YOU, from taking action?

Take these away with you, grab a pen and paper and dig deep.

Then, comment below or privately email me your answers! My door is wide open and I always love to hear back from my gorgeous tribe. 

Sending you all the love,  xx Jessica Elizabeth

#relationshipcoaching #marriagesaver #partnership #relationshipgoals #askyourself #keeplove