SAVE MY MARRIAGE! The conflict resolution edition

Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership? 

Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication. 

EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key.  No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way.  Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.

What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?

I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.

Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things.  We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted,  both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort.   Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.

The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view.     ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning.   In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.

Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.

Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict. 

In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture,  many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.  

In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’.  Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.

Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever.   Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution. 

What are your fears around conflict and confronting others? 

Inviting GRACE into your relationship is a must

As a relationship coach, I get calls, emails and messages every week from couples in crisis.   They are at the breaking point in their partnerships, one the knifes edge of calling it quits.

I would estimate, that in 90% of these inquiries, upon further investigation, the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment they are experiencing is not just limited to their relationship. 

More often than not, they as a couple and as individuals have had a hell of a year or last couple years.  Life on life’s terms has not been kind as of late, and things like…

• Ill health themselves or in their immediate family

• Career related stress, job loss

• Bereavement/death of a loved one

• Financial stresses or bankruptcy

• And, YES even something as wonderful as welcoming new life AKA having kids can be extremely life changing and very stressful on a partnership

What I always advise in these circumstances is GRACE.   Which is usually met with befuddled stares, and you, dear reader may be equally WTF’ing at that word, too.

What I mean by GRACE isn’t tied to the often easy association of spirituality or religion, but to the essence of what that word means which is COMPASSION, PATIENCE and the GIFT of time.

First, lets think of it, as a GRACE PERIOD.  We can all wrap our heads around that one.  All of our bills, mortgage payments etc... have a due date, but also something called a ‘grace period’ which is some breathing room, we may need from time to time to make that payment. 

When we are under stress, experiencing crisis in our lives, it can trigger a fight or flight response (or both!) and especially if we are limited or powerless to change at aspect, we will focus on what we can change and apply the fight or flight to that… and our relationships are easy targets, for sure.

 This fight and flight doesn’t necessarily trigger in the thick of the storm, but actually its common to act on it after.  After, we faced a year if unemployment, fervently seeking a new job, freaked out on how the bills are going to be paid BUT now we found that new job, and our body and mind can unclench and act. 

After we are faced with that health scare or triumph over a life-threatening disease or accident, we are so used to being in crisis mode, that unconsciously we seek to extend the new norm of panic and look to other areas to recreate that state of emergency.  Surviving becomes a way of life, and its hard to shift out of survival mode, even after the dust settles and we are free to do so.

And, I can tell you from first hand experience that the birth of my glorious baby 2 years ago, whilst magnificent, wowee, life changing???!?!! Um, yikes!  And also RELATIONSHIP changing!  The dynamic my husband and I had, that worked so well for us, for years... poof, gone! The game changed and we were clueless and absolutely in survival mode that first year.  Who am I kidding, the still sleep deprived struggle is still very real.

So, yeah. When people come rushing to me, to validate that EVERYTHING in their relationship MUST change, right now or else…. I counsel GRACE. 

I say to them,  you’ve invested 5, 10, 20 years into this partnership, can we offer up a mere 90 days more of a grace period before we push the eject button?  Can we offer ourselves first, then our partners the patience and grace to acquire some new ideas, some new tools to see if we can shift into thriving mode?   Think of it like, a guideline of ‘no major decisions in at least the first few months’ after experiencing major drama in our lives, before we possibly create some more, that could permanently alter our lives, any maybe not for the better.   

How do you think you can create some grace, (the space to breathe, heal and care) in your life, AND in your relationship today?