Jedi Training For Your New Relationship!

Happy New Year!

What’s been on my mind?  Well, how can I factor Star Wars into a blog about relationships? Of course!  

Don’t worry, I won’t clog the content with metaphor.  I will allow the art form that is the GIF, do most of the heavy Star Wars lifting.   Also, there will be no Last Jedi SPOILERS in this edition of the Love Letters, though, come on now, you really haven’t seen it yet?? Hellllllo!??!?!

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So yeah, another year and another epic Star Wars movie have just left us…  AND THIS TIME, you had someone to cuddle up with at the movie theater to watch it with, WOOT!

That’s right, watch out world… against all odds of the Empire, you swiped your way to love.  OR at least, what appears to be an almost unicorn like person, in what has been a Tatooine desert of ghosts, duds, jerks and just soooo not right for you, people.   

So there you are, watching the rebellion give rise to great hope… and whilst you are genuinely trying to enjoy every moment of it, you’re kinda’ freaking out!  A pervading voice from the dark side, keeps urgently whispering in your ear…”Don’t F@ck this up!!!!’

I get this particular brand of SOS call at least a few times a month from both men and women.  People who are just starting out in relationships and overwhelmed with the fear that they’re going to f@ck it up. That, just one small misstep will bring the dominoes of their new burgeoning love, toppling into a million broken pieces on the floor.

The good news?   Most of that is just scarcity. The fear that you are not enough to deserve this wonderful new love. And some of it is completely learn-able techniques, you simply, were never taught.

 

The Bad news? That scarcity is crawling all over you.  It’s got you like WHOA, and if you are feeding those scarcity gremlins after midnight… you will indeed participate in the demise of this new relationship.

Can you break a new thing in two?  YES.  You absolutely can.  Will it be one tiny misstep that unravels the whole thing?  NO!

Human engagement and connection (AKA Relationships) are way more multi-faceted than one little aspect, toppling it.

Here are my top three tips on what challenges can make or break a new relationship in its first toddling year.

1. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

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For some reason, we all think we should be relationship experts, that there is no margin for error for ourselves and our new partners.  When in reality, there is no formal structure for learning about relationship skills. There is No Relationships 101 course in University, and for many of us #notallofus, we didn't have very good teachers at home, either. 

We experience shame when we make communication errors and or have the expectation that we are supposed to 'get it right' every time. A relationship mind-set recipe for disappointment and disaster. 

If you hear yourself saying to yourself, your partner and any friend who will listen “They should just KNOW how” or “How can I be 30something (or 40something) and NOT know how to do relationships?!?”, I invite you now, to take a deep breath and welcome the compassion I am offering.

WE ALL MISSED THAT CLASS IN SCHOOL BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST! 

2. HEALTHY AND INSTRUCTIVE BOUNDARIES:

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How we start is how we will go on.

Many people, especially women, try to make themselves so accommodating and easy to be with at the start of a relationship because of fear based scarcity. If we do not show people from the very start how we need to be cared for and loved, we are not providing our partner and our relationship the authentic rich soil to thrive.

Good people inherently treat us, as we instruct them to.  And being clear about that early on, creates a framework for you both to succeed + stops the nostalgic "she/he was so different when we first got together' battle cry, that can really kill a relationship down the road.

3. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION!

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It's so important, I had to type it three times! 

Learning techniques to communicate our needs clearly and in a positive manner that the other party can understand is an integral part to any relationships success.  My clients are blown away at how, when they change the way they communicate their desires and needs, how differently AND abundantly their partners respond! 

All of us come with an instruction manual inside of us.  Finding it for ourselves and showing others with compassionate love, how to use that manual is a great act of love, towards ourselves and towards our partners.

Are you freaking out, worried that your lack of experience and knowledge on how to be in a happy, healthy relationship might just blow up your chances at love? 

My ‘NEW LOVE’ programs are uniquely designed to offer YOU the tools and techniques for you to start CONFIDENTLY down the road to forever love.  As an individual and/or as a couple!  Let’s start out 2018 as you mean to carry on. 

Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call, so you can get the clarity neeeded to create a tangible strategy to learn the skills to keep YOU and your new relationship THRIVING!

Looking forward to sending you more LOVE LETTERS in 2018 and helping YOU find and keep the LOVE YOU DESERVE!   xx

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THE BLAME GAME

How's your Blame Game skills these days? 

Ahhhh yes, The Blame Game.  I'm well acquainted with this party trick, for sure!

It’s typically the very first thing we go to, in the heat of the moment, when we are hurt and angry.  Which is actually completely normal.  When someone feels victimized, when we are hurt, we naturally focus our attention on the person, place or thing that has hurt us.

If I am burned by the stove, after whelping a very loud ouch or, in my case, most likely a high volume expletive, my eyes will go to, the stove!  If, on hearing me scream out, you come running into the kitchen and ask, ‘What happened?’,  I will point at the stove! 

If we further unpick this analogy, we realize that the stove didn’t burn me. I burned myself on the stove.  I got too close to something hot, I was careless, doing too many things at once, the stove, of course, did not leap across the kitchen and burn me!

So when we are hurt by our partners, whether that harm is real or perceived, intentional or unintentional, the finger will naturally rise and point at them.

The Blame Game, is when we never stop to unpick our part. 

The Blame Game is when we are always carrying around with us, all the things they have done, to cause us harm. 

The Blame Game is when we decide unequivocally, that the problems and failings in our partnerships, are completely (or most often) their fault.   

I know what you’re thinking… BUT JESSICA, IT IS THEIR FAULT!!! 

Yes, sometimes the blame is absolutely, justified and pointed in the right place!

Here’s the thing;

THE BLAME GAME, IS A LOSING GAME.

EVERY.

DAMN.

TIME.

If you want to change the communication in your partnership, and start to garner some truly effective transformation in how you express and then get your needs met… The Blame Game MUST go!

Here’s some tips on doing just that;

• Never make your partner feel selfish, inadequate or incompetent. Effective communication will dissolve if we focus on pointing out the other persons shortcomings. Any human being’s natural reaction will be to go on the defensive AND/OR to be demobilized by shame.  

• Find a time to have the discussion when you are calm. Attempting to have effective communication when emotions are running high, especially anger is a contradiction in terms. When we are angry or hurt, most of us will immediately pick up the blame game. Again, that’s normal to do so, it’s just not okay to try and communicate effectively when we are in that place.  Take a walk to cool off OR Set a day and time, in advance, with your partner to discuss what happened.  This allows both of you time to cool, to prepare mentally AND no one ever feels like they walked into an ambush.

• How things sound in our head and how they sound in reality, can be very different.  Especially when we are hurt or angry.  Speaking to one or two trusted friends or a coach/therapist can help us ratify our thinking and shift away from the blame game, BEFORE we speak without partners.

Remember, you can still advocate for your needs, and point out where your partner goes wrong… just drop the BLAME GAME and pick up the tools that actually result in effective communication AND you getting what you need! LOVE!

And the crown for BEST ATTACHMENT STYLE goes to...

Over the last weeks, I have been posting about Attachment Styles, and how understanding and accepting your own attachment style was one of the most crucial keys to changing the dynamic in how you seek, attract, give and receive LOVE!

In case you missed ityou can catch up with learning about the AVOIDANT attachment style, here  and the ANXIOUS attachment style, here

Today, it's ALL aboard… the SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE train!
 

3 of 3 in the Attachment Style series,
THE BEST ATTACHMENT STYLE, REVEALED!

 
 
I mentioned last week, that this was one of those rare topics where everybody, doesn’t get a prize. 

That there was a specific attachment style that is, the winner.  An attachment style that is THE BEST type to be when it comes to giving and receiving love AND when it comes to long term success and happiness, in relationships.  
 

And the crown goes to…

THE SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE!

Oh yes. I said it.  The best type of attachment, is SECURE.  

It’s the best to find in a partner, it’s the best to overlay over, our own default attachment style.
 
I always think of it as the story of the Tortoise and the Hare.  The secure type is the tortoise, the slow and steady wins the race kinda’ gal or guy.   Whilst the Avoidant is the hopping hare, jumping away quickly and the Anxious is the hopping hare, jumping up and down frantically without getting anywhere.   The Secure Tortoise plods along, winning the race.
 
The Secure attachment style folks, are solid, reliable, consistent, calm, steady, resilient and direct communicators.  Secure types inherently have an overall deep sense of trust, worthiness, dignity and respect, first for themselves and then, for others.  They believe themselves to be trustworthy and they will extend that same trust to you, almost immediately.  They are incredibly respectful and are often completely befuddled when respect is not an immediate part of the negotiations.  

And don’t even try to play the jealously game with a secure type. You know, when you want to ‘test their love’ and subsequently drive yourself a bit crazy trying to poke them so they get jealous.  Chances are, they won’t blink. 

They are with you, because they trust you. If they didn’t trust you, they wouldn’t be with you. Simple, cut and dry, that’s the secure type.   So they’re not going to get jealous. It’s a emotional response they just don’t go to and if they do find themselves in a relationship that does not have trust, dignity respect and calm, two things will happen.  They will walk away.  They will lose their secure attachment style and get all sorts of Avoidant and/or Anxious. 
 
Secure Attachment styles do not freak out when things get intimate, they don’t constantly worry about  their relationship status.

Do Secure types have any downsides? 

Of course!  Secure types, can be so resilient, have almost too much of saint like patience, that they put up with way more crap in a relationship then they should. 

They can become so involved with their need for security and steadiness that they don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ by bringing up things they are unhappy about within a relationship. 

They can become so disorientated in a relationship with a partner who is avoidant or anxious, in a relationship that doesn’t allow for free flowing trust, dignity and connection, that they lose their innate sense of security and latch on to a different attachment style.  
 
 
 
Remember, we can change and overlay any attachment we want, both consciously and unconscionably, and often people who start off in life and even in early relationships as quite secure can find themselves now, many years later, quite anxious or avoidant.  Maybe they had their security threatened as a young child, maybe their Anxious partner has threatened their calm sense of security, maybe after years of dating avoidants, they have lost their sense of belief and security in love in general.
 
 
Last downside? 

Secure types are often pass over in dating, quite easily.  Let’s face it, the secure attachment style isn’t the most glamorous.  And it sure doesn’t sound like what all the messaging (songs, poems and rom-coms) are telling us, about love.  Where’s the drama? Where’s the fireworks?  Where’s the plate smashing???  In today’s modern world, we can mistake these secure types for disinterested, lack luster and even label them a bore!  Especially if we are usually are an Anxious attachment style.  And if we are avoidant?? Ooof, the consistent intimacy offered by secure types?  Freaks. Us. Out.

 

What can we do if we want to attract a secure type, be more of Secure type OR keep a secure type in our current relationship?

In Dating…

Once we truly familiarize ourselves with the Secure Attachment style, even in just reading these blogs I offered, you will begin to be able to spot the three attachment styles in yourself and in others.  With the women I work with privately, most of which are NOT naturally secure types or sure aren’t after years of unsuccessful dating and relationships, we focus in on building self worth and faith in ourselves and love.   Remember, someone with a secure attachment style, is someone who expects respect, dignity and trust because they offer those things freely.  If we want to not only attract a secure type, but also BE more secure in our offering of love, we need to walk the walk! 

In Relationships...

When one partner is secure and the other is not, the work for the partner who is NOT secure mimics the work above.  However, we also work deeply on communication skills, so they can understand their secure partner AND communicate their own anxiety and avoidance in a way that produces a constructive way forward for both towards one another. 

For the secure partner, sometimes we need to create a safe, loving atmosphere for them to feel secure enough, to 'rock the boat' and communicate the concerns they have about the partnership. 


 
If, after reading these blogs, you are still unsure which attachment style you are OR what you can start doing to lay bold claim to the SECURE attachment style, I invite you to get on the phone with me, and have a chat!  

I’m currently offering my signature  FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love Call, and would love to hop on the line, and have that chat with you in the next couple of weeks!

Dear Anxious Attachment Style peeps...

Earlier in the week, I emailed you about Attachment Styles, and how understanding and accepting your own attachment style was one of the most crucial keys to changing the dynamic in how you seek, attract, give and receive LOVE! 

First on the LOVE LETTER chopping block was the AVOIDANT attachment style; In case you missed that blog, feel free to read it here


Today, we are going to dip in and have a sneaky peek at the ANXIOUS attachment style. AND how this effects who we choose as partners AND how we engage in relationships.  This fascinating topic & blog series,  applies to those looking for love… AND those fighting to keep that love!


Let's get to it, shall we? 


THE ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE;

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This is not one, we want to acknowledge. I mean, right from the title 'anxious attachment', it doesn't sound like something we want to lay bold claim to, now does it?

However, unless we do just that.. acknowledge and accept… we cannot gain the learning and the tools to overcome it either.
 
I'll go first; Hello, my name is Jessica Elizabeth, and I absolutely have the Anxious attachment style.

 
When our attachment gets activated, we zoom in on the frenetic energy.  We cling to the highs and lows, the roller coaster and 'FALLING' in love, is what we know best.  We spend time worrying about what they're doing when they're not with us, and worrying about what they're thinking about, whilst they're with us. We over analyze our own behaviors and actions, desperately trying to root out, what did we do, that put them off?  How did WE screw k this up.  Often frantically caught up in our own heads with how to make our relationship better, even if things are actually going quite well.
 
Oh my, we HEART fantasy, big time!  To escape into our own heads and fantasize and catastrophize about our relationships, it's a gold medal sport for us! 
 
We struggle to find contentment, to allow ourselves to enjoy the moment when its working, because we fear and feed off the thoughts of what happens, when it's not working.  Overly sensitive to others feelings and actions and prone to own the whole process, the responsibility of connection and love, as ours and ours alone to create and sustain. 

We question ourselves and our partners constantly.  Whatcha' thinking?  How much do you love me?  Do I really love this person?  Is he/she THE ONE? What if they're not? Am I wasting my time? Why haven't they sent a Good Morning text today? Are they losing interest? What if my family doesn't like them?  How soon is too soon to intro them to family?  What if I get a dream job offer 10 years from now in another country, will they come?  And about 50 others on a relatively exhausting loop.    Sound familiar?

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When someone who has the Anxious attachment style, dates Avoidant types, it ain't pretty… however there is something about push and pull of their kind of attachment, that speaks to our anxiety, that activates the anxiety…that we are drawn to, like moths to a flame.  

That's because it's REALLY easy to confuse our anxious attachment with the intense crazy feelings that all the poets and songwriters describe, when it comes to LOVE.  
 
"You got me so crazy in love" – Beyonce
 
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh… is right Queen Bey! 

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How do we move forward if this is our attachment type?



In dating...

Some of us, after years and years, and years of the love struggle being realAF, finally get so spun out on the crazy love, that we finally welcome something, someone, different.   
 
Sometimes it's the right decision! (hallelujah sweet, sweet surrender!!)
 
Sometimes we settle for someone, not right for us, not able to love us, because we are just so broke down and jaded. 


 
Want to skip the years and years?  Already invested the years and years?


 
Here's a secret.  CHEMISTRY isn't what you probably think it is…
 
Chemistry by definition is the combination of elements along with a catalyst that creates a reaction and something completely new.
 
The catalyst, is THE SPARK we all spend so much time and energy chasing.  However, the SPARK is not chemistry.  It's just the catalyst.  ALL THE OTHER ELEMENTS MUST BE PRESENT TOO!   If you have all the other elements…  shared hobbies, shared sense of humor, core values, easy conversation, shared goals and ideals… but no spark?  NO CHEMISTRY.
 
If you have THE SPARK but very few or none of the important elements of long term companionship.  NO CHEMISTRY.

Once we are aware that we are predisposed to confuse our anxiety with feelings of love.  Once we clearly define what we really want AND need in a relationship.
 
We have some power over our default attachment style. We are back in the drivers seat, where we belong!
 
 


In relationships...

Often when the Anxious attachment types meet and start a relationship with someone who has a Secure attachment style, over time, we mellow out. We finally feel consistently safe enough, due to the other persons Secure attachment style, we realize that all this worry, obsessing over getting it right, the constant fear of the future, is not warranted and not helpful. We can relax into the serenity and calm of this kind of love.  We can adopt and make our very own, the SECURE attachment style.
 
Sometimes, we never allow ourselves to enjoy it. We push that Secure person away.  We doubt the connection cause.. where the fireworks? Where's the passion? WHERE'S THE DRAMA???? 


You may find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant!  This does not mean, you necessarily have to get out of dodge, however, you do have the power to change the current dynamic, from your end!


You can choose to make yourself crazy with worry, constant questioning, chasing your avoidant partner all over the house asking and demanding of them, what they simply cannot offer, i.e. the constant validation you seekOR  you can choose to accept them as they are, and meet your own needs.  Get on that self love and self care train... fill the well from within!  

Wherever you find yourself on loves journey, either in or out of a relationship, ABUNDANCE is a life saver for the Anxious attachment style folks. 

There is infinite love flowing all around you, no need to hustle, chase and worry yourself sick that you will not get your due.  Love is coursing all around you, flowing freely from inside of you and into you! TAP IN!  

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Do you know your LOVE attachment style? Are you avoiding love in dating & relationships? YIKES!

Lately, I’ve been digging in a bit again, around 'attachment' styles. WOW, is this really fascinating stuff!

Over the next couple of weeks I will be guiding you through a brief introduction to these various attachment styles, so you can begin to identify your own default style, rumble with how that’s effecting both your search for love AND how you are engaging in your current relationship + how to begin to change up your attachment style for better results in love and relationships.

YES. You read that right.  These next few blogswill be invaluable to those who are still looking for love AND those fighting to keep love! 

Attachment styles, is our natural default engagement with attraction, attachment and love.

Attachment styles, directly influence who we choose, how we interpret feelings of love, how we respond to love and how we show love.

There are three major attachment styles, Anxious, Avoidant and Secure.

Oh, and this is NOT one of those contests, where everybody gets a prize.  There is ONE DEFINITIVE attachment style that is THE BEST. That when we are OR overlay this particular type we have better, longer lasting, happier and more fulfilled relationships!  So stay tuned, throughout this series, dearest ones!

First up… the AVOIDANT Attachment Style!

The Avoidant attachment style is REALLY interesting.

The avoidant style always manifests itself. Which is to say, it requires some proactive thought or action, even if only subconsciously to consistently be maneuvering to keep people, and partners at an arm’s length.  The Avoidant attachment style, determines to a great degree what you expect from relationships, how you engage with romantic situations, how you interpret what prospective and actual partners want from you and want to give to you.

The Avoidant often self-identify as ‘free spirits’ and they view ‘NEEDS’, especially needing other people, as a weakness. The avoidant will tend to repress emotions instead of expressing them.  When someone takes a step closer to them, offering connection, intimacy and even safety, the avoidant will take two steps back. 

Here is the super abbreviated version of what you really need to know;

1. We come across them SO MUCH whilst dating because they are the largest population of the dating pool.. they avoid relationships, so stay single and dating longer and/or have a higher turn over in relationships, hence dipping in and out of the dating pool more often. (#ghosting #mixedmessages #saytheywantarelationshipthensaytheydont)

2. Avoidant can be a secondary attachment style, many of us adopt and lay over our natural attachment style as a survival skill. We come to believe, maybe after being hurt in love or due to abandonment or instability (as example) in our childhoods that self-reliance and avoiding attachment is the safer option. This self-reliance is fear based, so please don't confuse it with independence. It ain't, doll. I often witness women brandish 'I don't need a partner/I love my single status' as a shield (and a mask) which is not truly authentic OR helpful, if it comes from a place of fear and ego! And by 'witness', I mean I've also seen it in the mirror too! 😲

For those in relationships, we may have been hurt by our current partner, so we recede into the depths and into our fortresses, avoiding intimacy and vulnerability, for protection.  Again, if we are engaging with love from a place of anger, resentment and fear...then we‘re not engaging with love, at all. If our partners actions are forgivable, we need to forgive and if they aren’t, if there is no love left on the table worth fighting for, it may be time to stop digging and move on.

3. For those of us with a more anxious attachment style (more on that later) we are often drawn to and fall for the Avoidant because we confuse the highs and lows of our anxiety attachment with the feeling of 'falling in love'. Avoidants are the worst attachment style for Anxious types, as they cannot offer us the stability we require to feel safe. And yet, when we meet Secure attachment folks, because the frenetic energy of our own anxiety attachment, the crazy highs and lows, are not activated we think there is no 'spark'. Hellllo vicious cycle!

Fascinating stuff. And a bit of a head scramble, but in a good way! 🤣

Here are a few quick tips to help move you forward through and beyond The Avoidant Attachment Style.

How do we ‘avoid’ Avoidants whilst dating? 

Abundance is a top technique for dodging avoidants. The more people we date, the more active we are on meeting new people, the more likely we will get in front of people who do not have the avoidance attachment style. Of course really understanding and accepting our own attachment style, what we really NEED in a relationship (versus what we want sometimes) is they super duper ninja move.

Yikes, I may be in a committed relationship with an avoidant, are we doomed?

NO.  The Avoidant attachment style, like any other attachment style, can change.  Sometimes, they really want to love us, and the wall inside of them is blocking them, as much as it is you.  Threatening, badgering or making demands of an avoidant, is the worst possible tactic. They scare easy, no matter how tough they may act.  If you can consistently offer them safety, they will step out of the fortress.  This won’t happen overnight or even after a week of trying.  This is a long game, my dear.  Once you have created an atmosphere of safety, you can logically lay out how their behaviour makes you feel and tell them specifically what they can do to support and love you better. Think of it as saying “we’re here. Would you like to go there with me?  This is how we can get there together and it would be most helpful if YOU did X, Y, Z for us to get there.”

Uh oh, I am an Avoidant… now what?

There is a whole lotta work to do around changing and tempering your attachment style. KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!  We can absolutely overlay other attachment styles, over our default. We can zig, when your attachment style is telling us to ZAG.  We can choose partners who offer a secure attachment style. If we are in a relationship, and we can see how our own avoidance is creating damage, we can have a brave conversation with our partners, let them know how we operate and what we need (scary word for the avoidant) from them to help us try to do better at giving and receiving love.

Later this week, I will be reviewing the Anxious attachment style, so stay tuned!

Attachment styles is a well researched area of human engagement and connection;  covering it ALL in a blog, will never be possible.  Helping individuals and couples understand, accept and move forward with their attachment styles is part of the deeper work I do with my private clients. 

There are many MANY books on this however one I have come to rely on is 'ATTACHED, by Dr Amir Levine & Rachel Heller'.  #recommendedreading

xx 💘

#attachmentstyles #avoidantattachmentstyle #dating #relationships #betterrelationships #choosingbetterpartners #love