SAVE MY MARRIAGE! The conflict resolution edition

Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership? 

Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication. 

EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key.  No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way.  Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.

What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?

I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.

Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things.  We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted,  both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort.   Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.

The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view.     ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning.   In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.

Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.

Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict. 

In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture,  many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.  

In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’.  Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.

Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever.   Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution. 

What are your fears around conflict and confronting others? 

Why can't you get your partner to really hear and understand you?

Each couple I coach has their own bespoke set of challenges, however there are a handful of issues, that seem to be consistent in each partnership, tearing away at the fabric of their love, trust and intimacy.

• Loss of passion, not limited to, however also including a dying sex life.

• Poor conflict resolution leading to circular, go no where fast, conversations and arguments.

• Affairs, emotional and/or physical where one or both have gone outside the relationship seeking their needs to be met.

• Problems with in-laws and extended family, where boundaries and respect are not being cherished.

• Loss of love, where one or both partners no longer feels cared for in a way they need to thrive.

This is why my coaching programs always offer instruction, tools and skill learning opportunities for each individual, within the partnership, to become better at leaping these common relationship hurdles.

We always start at the very root; COMMUNICATION!  

Wowza, communication is such a big topic and everyone is failing at this, we just can’t figure out how to make ourselves heard and our partners understand.

This week, I want to offer up a significant first step on the road of communication, where so many of you may be falling at the very first hurdle. 

One of the worst things we can do, and the very first most of us do.. is projection of self onto our relationship. Your partner is not a version of you. This means that what and they think, their needs and how they translate the world around them. is not the way that you will.

We can get trapped in the resentment fueled circular thought process of how WE would never do such a thing, say such a thing or react in such a way!  We interpret their actions and words, through our own lens… i.e. ‘If I didn’t take out the rubbish when asked, it would be because I don’t have any respect for them, and don’t care how busy they are!’ 

Just because, that would be our motivation and inferred message in this action DOES NOT mean, that is how everyone else thinks, let alone your partner. 

In fact, my experience as a relationship coach AND within my own marriage, has shown that it’s almost NEVER that simple.

Men and women have very different communication styles because their foundational needs that are driving the communication are totally different.  Beyond that hetero normative angle (um, NO men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus) how we are raised, the role modeled behavior we saw growing up and our own personality traits directly impact how we communicate and resolve conflict. Newsflash, my same sex couples do NOT speak the same language simple because they are the same sex. If only, it was that easy!

Our communication boils down to our CORE NEEDS and If you are in the dark about these core needs, then here is your first problem and why you are struggling.

Your partner keeps saying,  “You never say, I love you!".

What do they really mean?

If you know that, you DO indeed say ‘I love you’, even occasionally, you will reject the whole statement at the “never” part sentence.  However, this unreasonable word, ‘NEVER’, is the first indicator that it’s not about the ‘I love you’ but something deeper and perhaps even completely different then the what the words above suggest. 

For men, and for many partners regardless of gender, this makes no sense.  AND, we have no idea how to solve it, so communication quickly becomes shut down.

Sadly, growing up we are not informed that being married for life needs life & relationship skills and new understandings.

Most couples are totally unaware of what they don’t know but need to if they are going to happily ever after this whole love thing.

How do we go from surviving, to thriving in our marriage and partnerships?!?

Please note: It’s not just you!  We ALL missed the Relationships 101 class at school, because it simply doesn’t exist, and many of us #notallofus, didn’t have very great teachers at home either.

I’m often the second to last call people make, right before the divorce lawyer or moving truck.  Crisis brings them to my door, and helping them breakthrough (their immediate problem) is a small part of what they really need. The biggest part is helping learn the skills to live a purposeful exciting life, as a team. It’s why I work with couples, and individuals in relationships, up to 6 months, personally guiding them through work around communication, love language, core values, mindset transformation, self love, intimacy, forgiveness and so much more.

You could say, I have created that elusive Relationships 101 class, we all missed.

And starting today...

CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION!

I have cleared some slots over the next couple of weeks for YOU to book a FREE Breakthrough To Love call, where we can spend 45 minutes together to sort a way forward in your relationship. 

(Yup, an appointment with me, FOR FREE!)

On this call, I will help you get clarity on where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love and your partnership.

IF, and only if, we both think it’s a good fit, AT THE END OF THE CALL, I may invite you to become one of my new clients and tell you about the coaching programs I can offer, that will provide you with the solutions YOU NEED, in order to save your relationship AND become more healthy and happy within your partnership. 

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE CALL APPOINTMENT HERE

Looking forward to speaking to you soon, my darling!

THE BLAME GAME

How's your Blame Game skills these days? 

Ahhhh yes, The Blame Game.  I'm well acquainted with this party trick, for sure!

It’s typically the very first thing we go to, in the heat of the moment, when we are hurt and angry.  Which is actually completely normal.  When someone feels victimized, when we are hurt, we naturally focus our attention on the person, place or thing that has hurt us.

If I am burned by the stove, after whelping a very loud ouch or, in my case, most likely a high volume expletive, my eyes will go to, the stove!  If, on hearing me scream out, you come running into the kitchen and ask, ‘What happened?’,  I will point at the stove! 

If we further unpick this analogy, we realize that the stove didn’t burn me. I burned myself on the stove.  I got too close to something hot, I was careless, doing too many things at once, the stove, of course, did not leap across the kitchen and burn me!

So when we are hurt by our partners, whether that harm is real or perceived, intentional or unintentional, the finger will naturally rise and point at them.

The Blame Game, is when we never stop to unpick our part. 

The Blame Game is when we are always carrying around with us, all the things they have done, to cause us harm. 

The Blame Game is when we decide unequivocally, that the problems and failings in our partnerships, are completely (or most often) their fault.   

I know what you’re thinking… BUT JESSICA, IT IS THEIR FAULT!!! 

Yes, sometimes the blame is absolutely, justified and pointed in the right place!

Here’s the thing;

THE BLAME GAME, IS A LOSING GAME.

EVERY.

DAMN.

TIME.

If you want to change the communication in your partnership, and start to garner some truly effective transformation in how you express and then get your needs met… The Blame Game MUST go!

Here’s some tips on doing just that;

• Never make your partner feel selfish, inadequate or incompetent. Effective communication will dissolve if we focus on pointing out the other persons shortcomings. Any human being’s natural reaction will be to go on the defensive AND/OR to be demobilized by shame.  

• Find a time to have the discussion when you are calm. Attempting to have effective communication when emotions are running high, especially anger is a contradiction in terms. When we are angry or hurt, most of us will immediately pick up the blame game. Again, that’s normal to do so, it’s just not okay to try and communicate effectively when we are in that place.  Take a walk to cool off OR Set a day and time, in advance, with your partner to discuss what happened.  This allows both of you time to cool, to prepare mentally AND no one ever feels like they walked into an ambush.

• How things sound in our head and how they sound in reality, can be very different.  Especially when we are hurt or angry.  Speaking to one or two trusted friends or a coach/therapist can help us ratify our thinking and shift away from the blame game, BEFORE we speak without partners.

Remember, you can still advocate for your needs, and point out where your partner goes wrong… just drop the BLAME GAME and pick up the tools that actually result in effective communication AND you getting what you need! LOVE!