Top Dating Tip: Don't overshare!

This week, I wanted to dole out a top dating tip that has helped alot of my private clients create real, lasting connection.

TOP DATING TIP: DON’T OVERSHARE ON THE FIRST FEW DATES!

In this modern age, where so much of our personal life is out there on social media with the click of the post button, and where we are also chatting with a stranger online one minute and out on a date with them the next, it seems like the faster we go, the better it may be. .. but you simply can’t hotwire intimacy like that.

Genuine connection and Intimacy takes time, and should be a slower paced, reciprocal process. Oversharing may make us feel more connected in the moment, due to the heightened vulnerability we feel however its more likely to repel people than attract them.  There are many terms for it, but my favourite is one Brene Brown calls, flood lighting.  Floodlights are powerful almost blinding lights that will instinctually cause someone to shade their eyes, and back away from the source.  And sharing our deepest hopes and dreams and/or darkest secrets or traumas, early on in the dating process has the same effect. 

Dating is all about getting to know someone, over the course of many dates.  Its why its called ‘DATING’ and not ‘DATE’.  Connection works best as a beautiful unveiling of authentic layer by authentic layer.  We do want to discover commonality and create mutual connection that has a positive association as soon as possible however that should start in a more light hearted playful way, like shared music interests, sense of humour,  hobbies and passions, NOT  shared childhood trauma, history of sexual escapades, or that we know we want exactly 2.5 children and a house by the seaside by age 40.  Lets leave all that till the person we have been dating for a few months has proven they are worthy of hearing and holding our innermost hopes and fears.

Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating

I was, once again, tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.

“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.

Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”

Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash

I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.

• Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.

• Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.

• Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.

• Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.

• Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.

• Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.

• Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.

Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???

Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash

The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.

We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.

And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.

Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.

It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward.  Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle. 

Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!

This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life.  Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved! 

I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call! 

If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life. 

BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE

Self Care During Crisis Tip #3: Falling In Love During A Pandemic

Just lil ol' me back with another Self Care Tip ,

Today's Self Care During Crisis Tip is for all my singletons! 

Here was a great question posted in the Feminista Seeks Love group yesterday…

How long should you date someone before labels like girl friend/boy friend come into play? Before saying I love you?


It’s a question I get normally, and one of the first things I address with new coaching clients who are looking for love… HOWEVER yesterday, it gave me extra cause for pause.

Right now, we are in the throes of a worldwide pandemic, our present is discombobulated at best, and under direct threat, at worst.  Our future is super uncertain.  This is a crisis.  And crisis can do funny things to the heart!

Oxytocin is often called the "love hormone" or "cuddle chemical," but American and Norwegian researchers have found out that it may as well be called a "crisis hormone


-Norwegian University of Science and Technology

When we are under threat, our brains release Oxytocin, so we can fight, flight or freeze our asses for survival.   It also is what makes us band together to fight a common threat.  Trauma bonding is a real thing. And, in itself isn't inherently a bad thing... but confusing this with intimacy, profound once in a lifetime connection and with really knowing someone, can be a very bad thing.


There are countless examples of this… I always think of the movie SPEED, with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.  Classic example of two strangers, bonded together by an extremely traumatic survival situation, that ends, of course... with a big romance.  AND, the movie ends there.  What we don’t see is, what happened the weeks that followed that terrifying bus ride! 

Some of you were mid 1st, 2nd and 3rd date or more, when the world as we know it, fell apart and social distancing became the new black. And you have carried on, scheduling fun video dates with these people. Which is GREAT!  This virus dust will settle, and life will move on.  Yassss, keep moving forward with dating!

What concerns me as that during this crisis, oxytocin may very well be blending with some ‘oh shit, I'm all alone with no one to go through this big life stuff with’ and creating a cocktail of hot wired intimacy, that feels very VERY real… but is short cutting the simple fact that, true intimacy takes T I M E. 

Getting to know someone, and making an informed conscious decision to commit to that person, cannot be rushed.  I suggest 10-15 dates to clients, which depending on the circumstances, is approx. 3-6 months. By all means, request sexual exclusivity for safety reasons, but actually choosing this person as a partner?!?! Let’s not do that all hopped up high on Oxytocin! 

Self Care in this situation means, sloooowwww down.  Enjoy the ride of getting to know someone! 

We are on lock down people, time is what we have most of right now!






Oh, and one last BONUS tip for you, dearest , see below.

THIS!  ALL THE THIS!  lol  :)

When Going It Alone In Your Relationship Can Be A Love Saver!

Some days you just have to go it alone, in your relationship

This is me, out and about in Amsterdam, all by myself, on a recent trip my husband and I took to see his family in the Netherlands.

See, I don’t know about you, but I have a peopling limit. Like, I’m talking getting to a place where I am peopled theAF out. (I also like to make up words, like peopling and peopled. Just go with it).

People often assume I am quite extroverted, as I can be the life of the party, and have had careers where networking, working closely with people and developing meaningful relationships is something I do excel at… but here is the real deal. I am actually quite introverted and require a hefty amount of alone time to feel at my best.


Whilst on our dutch adventure earlier this month, after 3 days of family visits, and wandering around with my partner day and night, I was D O N E. It was high time… for some solo time, and I am not afraid to ask for what I need.


I sent the Hubba Hubba off for a day with his mom, and I played tourist all day, roaming the city, having a fab sushi lunch and letting my playlist guide me. It was magnificent! And so very necessary.

See, even with the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I cannot do more than 3 days of 24/7 together time. It doesn’t mean I love him less, or he isn’t the right match. It just means I require some inter-dependency in a relationship. Some alone time, with my head phones on, and only myself to cater to or depend on from time to time.

Being in love, marriage, partnership doesn’t require we are attached at the hip at all times. In fact, most folks in long term relationships that report in being happiest, always call out separate hobbies and interests, as well as shared ones. These people prioritize SELF care and SELF love. They value the time they spend with themselves, as much as the time they spend together.



If you can’t enjoy your own company, and take yourself out on a great date from time to time, then you will always be looking to other to make you feel… loved, happy, content, and desired. Whilst people can add to our vault of love, happiness and care… they should never be the sole provider.

What have you done, just for you, today?

Are you nurturing your own hobbies and interests?

Do you value your alone time?

Trust me, my dear, your relationship will thank you for it!

Looking forward to your comments on this weeks LOVE LETTER! xx

Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating

I was tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.

“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.

Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”

Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash

I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.

• Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.

• Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.

• Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.

• Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.

• Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.

• Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.

• Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.

Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???

Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash

The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.

We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.

And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.

Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.

It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward.  Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle. 

Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!

This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life.  Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved! 

I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call! 

If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life. 

BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE

The LAW OF ATTRACTION... WTAF is it? And why is it NOT working for you?

The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire.  Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!

 
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction?  And how does it really work?

image: unsplash.com

Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
 

If someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience.  If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience.  In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situation, experiences and even, material objet into their life.

 
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)


 
A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story! 

Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION.  Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously.  In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting!  Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
 
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice!  What if that was ten offers? Twenty? 

Head. Officially. Done. In.


 
Of course, changing or mindset, being more positive has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality.  Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things!

 
But the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’  
 
It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.    

Affirmations will not do the trick alone!

Darling %FIRSTNAME%,  please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what either make the Law of Attraction actually work or not work!

 

For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY. 

We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it.  The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.

 

If I walk down the street, yelling JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!

I may actually attract some job offers.  Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop?  NO?  Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!  

 
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA. 

If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond…  with a puppy!  Which, I mean PUPPY (!!!OMG!!!) HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different.  We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look you’re going for!

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR.  TAKE GREAT CARE…

Take great care and time, and energy, heck even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.    
 
 
 
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?

Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...

One of the largest proponents for LOA, is THE SECRET. 
 
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret.  Lemme tell ya why! 

The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present. 
 
Back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
 
Hold up.  Have you even bought a lottery ticket?  Oh, no?  Um….


 
Now, how about “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
 
Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now? 
 
What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?)  who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important.  They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing.   ACTION!


 

Here’s is the deal.  For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING!  You must take actions, risk, time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even MONEY, to attract the things you want.

Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl.  Hard, worthy work! 
 
I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS!  WOMP WOMP.

However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!

In closing;
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
 
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
 
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.
 
If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!


 
 

I went LIVE about this very topic just the other day in the FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE facebook group.  All day, every day, I am in that group handing out inspiration, tips, techniques and so much love...

YOU should totally JOIN OUR GIRL GANG!

FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE - A Facebook Group, of community & solidarity, for fierce like-minded women out in the jungle looking for love!