SAVE MY MARRIAGE! The conflict resolution edition

Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership? 

Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication. 

EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key.  No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way.  Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.

What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?

I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.

Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things.  We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted,  both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort.   Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.

The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view.     ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning.   In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.

Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.

Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict. 

In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture,  many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.  

In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’.  Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.

Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever.   Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution. 

What are your fears around conflict and confronting others? 

State of the Union; A Top Relationship Skill

NO. This is NOT another blog about politics! Whew!

This is an email about a crucial relationship tool that every thriving couple needs in their repertoire.

One of the tools I teach couples to incorporate at least annually, if not quarterly is the skill of having open conversations about where they are at, where they want to go, and what is and is not working in their relationships, and in their lives.

If you can’t come together, and have these sometimes hard but wonderfully productive chats with our partners… free of judgement, free of blow back… then you will miss out on a the life transforming aspect of partnership. See, ‘we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life’ (thanks PRINCE!) and if we are not in relationships, that are true partnerships, where we can have a free flow exchange of ideas and support, then what is the point of it all?

Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash

When is the last time you asked your partner what they were happy about in their lives? What they wanted to see change?

Notice, I DID NOT even go there on the relationship yet?!? We are not here to just check in on the relationship, but also check in on the person who means so very much to us in this world. To express concern and also to offer care, if needed.

Today, I wanted to provide you with an super beginners, easy template to get your very own ‘State of The Union’ talk going.

Cause’ darling, SURVIVING is not enough… I want you two to THRIVE!

Photo by Lawrence Crayton on Unsplash

Remember, this is a two way street. You BOTH need to answer these questions.

It may be an impromptu conversation, however, often a bit of warning works best. Give each other time to think about these questions, before you meet to have this chat.

First, outline some ground rules. This isn’t a ‘WE NEED TO TALK’ doom and gloom exercise. This isn’t an opportunity to argue or to defend your corner. This is about a safe space, where we can open up, get honest, and take great care of one another! Think of this as a general health check up at the doctors.

Ready? Here we go!

Part one: Health check on your partner’s overall happiness.

• What went really well for you, in your life, this year?

• Is there any part of your life, you are not happy with? What would you like to see happen differently?

• What can I do to help?



Part Two: Health check on your relationship together

• How are WE doing?

• Is there anything you think needs to change or improve in our relationship?

• Have I done anything to hurt you or cause you worry?

• What can I do to be a better partner for you?

• When we have this conversation, this time next year, what NEEDS to change between us? And what NEEDS to stay the same?

• Would it be easier if we had outside help to accomplish these relationship goals?

Super basic, right? Notice, this isn’t a bitch fest. This isn’t just focusing on the bad, but also and starting with, what is going well.

Try not to cherry pick this list too much. There is a method to this madness. Starting in a positive place, and starting on you as individuals, is by design. A very evolved expert design, dearest one!

I would LOVE to hear back from you, how our conversations went! Drop me a comment below.

And if you feel that some outside help, some education in relationships skills, is what is needed… I’m here for you.


Already my client diary is getting booked up and busy with new clients who want to start 2023 off in a new, healthier and thriving direction. I invite you to be one of them.

Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love call below.

State of the Union; A Top Relationship Skill

NO. This is NOT another email about politics! Whew!

This is an email about a crucial relationship tool that every thriving couple needs in their repertoire.

This is the exact time of year, where between the manic chaos that can be the holiday season, we have that pervading need to reflect. The whole ‘new year, new you’ bonanza is almost upon us, and before we can look forward, its natural to look back on our year.

Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash

One of the tools I teach couples to incorporate at least annually, if not semi-annually is the skill of having open conversations about where they are at, where they want to go, and what is and is not working in their relationships, and in their lives.

If you can’t come together, and have these sometimes hard but wonderfully productive chats with our partners… free of judgement, free of blow back… then you will miss out on a the life transforming aspect of partnership. See, ‘we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life’ (thanks PRINCE!) and if we are not in relationships, that are true partnerships, where we can have a free flow exchange of ideas and support, then what is the point of it all?

Photo by Banter Snaps on Unsplash

When is the last time you asked your partner what they were happy about in their lives? What they wanted to see change?

Notice, I DID NOT even go there on the relationship yet?!? We are not here to just check in on the relationship, but also check in on the person who means so very much to us in this world. To express concern and also to offer care, if needed.

Today, I wanted to provide you with an super beginners, easy template to get your very own ‘State of The Union’ talk going.

Cause’ darling, SURVIVING is not enough… I want you two to THRIVE!

Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash

Remember, this is a two way street. You BOTH need to answer these questions.

It may be an impromptu conversation, however, often a bit of warning works best. Give each other time to think about these questions, before you meet to have this chat.

First, outline some ground rules. This isn’t a ‘WE NEED TO TALK’ doom and gloom exercise. This isn’t an opportunity to argue or to defend your corner. This is about a safe space, where we can open up, get honest, and take great care of one another! Think of this as a general health check up at the doctors.

Ready? Here we go!

Part one: Health check on your partner’s overall happiness.

• What went really well for you, in your life, this year?

• Is there any part of your life, you are not happy with? What would you like to see happen differently?

• What can I do to help?



Part Two: Health check on your relationship together

• How are WE doing?

• Is there anything you think needs to change or improve in our relationship?

• Have I done anything to hurt you or cause you worry?

• What can I do to be a better partner for you?

• When we have this conversation, this time next year, what NEEDS to change between us? And what NEEDS to stay the same?

• Would it be easier if we had outside help to accomplish these relationship goals?

Super basic, right? Notice, this isn’t a bitch fest. This isn’t just focusing on the bad, but also and starting with, what is going well.

Try not to cherry pick this list too much. There is a method to this madness. Starting in a positive place, and starting on you as individuals, is by design. A very evolved expert design, dearest one!

I would LOVE to hear back from you, how our conversations went! Drop me a comment below.

And if you feel that some outside help, some education in relationships skills, is what is needed… I’m here for you.


Already my client diary is getting booked up and busy with new clients who want to start 2020 off in a new, healthier and thriving direction. I invite you to be one of them.

Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love call below.

How do we avoid the common pitfalls of a transformative event or experience?

Wow, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve blogged! I have not forgotten you, but my gosh, It’s been a busy few weeks, with a load of fabulous new clients coming onboard and a retreat, to boot!

That’s right, a couple of weeks ago, I had the great honor and privilege of facilitating a Phoenix Rising Relationships Retreat for 50 amazing women. As with any event, there is usually some time for me to retrospectively process the weekend, the content and the results as attendees share what it has been like for them, post retreat. To see what successes and pitfalls, the folks who attended, have in the aftermath of such a powerful weekend.

Phoenix Rising Retreats; RISE 1 RELATIONSHIPS Oct 2019

Today, I want to talk to you all, regardless if you were on the retreat or not, about two of the most common and fatal of pitfalls after having an incredible learning experience about ourselves and relationships…

Up first, THE GREAT DUMP.

This is where we come home, high on all we have learned, ready to take on the world and completely transform and heal our relationships. Buzzing through the front door, grabbing our partners in a firm grip, and dumping ALLLLLLLL the things we learned AND ALLLLLLL the things that need to change, and emphatically stating what THEY NEED TO DO, RIGHT NOW!!!!

My co-facilitator put it quite eloquently during the Sunday wrap up… “Remember your partner did NOT come to the retreat! They did not have this experience!”

Oh, how easy it is to forget that little fact.

I use the analogy of the game of tennis. You and your partner are two players, on opposite sides of the court, who have been volleying the ball, back and forth, to and fro, the same way for a long time. The retreat attendees, do home, and change their footing, some for the first time, in a long while. They start whizzing the ball in a completely new direction. Which is great!! However, your partner is still frozen in their same position. The first, and maybe even, the first few times, you wing the ball onto the other side of the court, they will more than likely, miss the point.

If we expect our whole relationship to change within a week of us having a learning bomb dropped on us, like at a retreat, we are setting ourselves up for some serious disappointment. And, because we are so high on what we have learned, the crash down to earth in that disappointment can feel B R U T A L .

We can end up feeling even more alone and more hopeless about our relationship, then before.

Second biggest pitfall… LITTLE TO NO FOLLOW UP.

When we have these lightning bolt epiphanies, it can galvanize us into action, like never before! However, if we do not commit to, and follow up with consistent effort afterwards, that transformation, doesn’t stand a chance of truly taking root.

One of the aspects of coaching I love, is the aspect I need the most in my own life… someone to help me stay accountable. See, I can tumble off a good transformation wagon, quick. Just as quick and fervently as when I hopped on. At the end of the retreat weekend, we all committed to five great acts of self-love to incorporate into our own lives. Sadly, I know all too well, that many will not keep it up long enough to create a new habit of care and love for themselves, where it is most needed.

And others, will. And in doing so, shine so brightly into the new year, we will revel in their light.

So, whether it was a blog, book, retreat or even one of my free masterclasses you attended that cracked you wide open to the possibility of transforming your relationship and love life… I wanted to share this information with you, these too common pitfalls, and encourage you to clamber back onto that wagon, dearest one!



And if you, like me, need a team mate to keep you accountable… AND you are truly ready to learn the HOW of relationships, dating and love… we should definitely chat.

Why can't you get your partner to really hear and understand you?

Each couple I coach has their own bespoke set of challenges, however there are a handful of issues, that seem to be consistent in each partnership, tearing away at the fabric of their love, trust and intimacy.

• Loss of passion, not limited to, however also including a dying sex life.

• Poor conflict resolution leading to circular, go no where fast, conversations and arguments.

• Affairs, emotional and/or physical where one or both have gone outside the relationship seeking their needs to be met.

• Problems with in-laws and extended family, where boundaries and respect are not being cherished.

• Loss of love, where one or both partners no longer feels cared for in a way they need to thrive.

This is why my coaching programs always offer instruction, tools and skill learning opportunities for each individual, within the partnership, to become better at leaping these common relationship hurdles.

We always start at the very root; COMMUNICATION!  

Wowza, communication is such a big topic and everyone is failing at this, we just can’t figure out how to make ourselves heard and our partners understand.

This week, I want to offer up a significant first step on the road of communication, where so many of you may be falling at the very first hurdle. 

One of the worst things we can do, and the very first most of us do.. is projection of self onto our relationship. Your partner is not a version of you. This means that what and they think, their needs and how they translate the world around them. is not the way that you will.

We can get trapped in the resentment fueled circular thought process of how WE would never do such a thing, say such a thing or react in such a way!  We interpret their actions and words, through our own lens… i.e. ‘If I didn’t take out the rubbish when asked, it would be because I don’t have any respect for them, and don’t care how busy they are!’ 

Just because, that would be our motivation and inferred message in this action DOES NOT mean, that is how everyone else thinks, let alone your partner. 

In fact, my experience as a relationship coach AND within my own marriage, has shown that it’s almost NEVER that simple.

Men and women have very different communication styles because their foundational needs that are driving the communication are totally different.  Beyond that hetero normative angle (um, NO men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus) how we are raised, the role modeled behavior we saw growing up and our own personality traits directly impact how we communicate and resolve conflict. Newsflash, my same sex couples do NOT speak the same language simple because they are the same sex. If only, it was that easy!

Our communication boils down to our CORE NEEDS and If you are in the dark about these core needs, then here is your first problem and why you are struggling.

Your partner keeps saying,  “You never say, I love you!".

What do they really mean?

If you know that, you DO indeed say ‘I love you’, even occasionally, you will reject the whole statement at the “never” part sentence.  However, this unreasonable word, ‘NEVER’, is the first indicator that it’s not about the ‘I love you’ but something deeper and perhaps even completely different then the what the words above suggest. 

For men, and for many partners regardless of gender, this makes no sense.  AND, we have no idea how to solve it, so communication quickly becomes shut down.

Sadly, growing up we are not informed that being married for life needs life & relationship skills and new understandings.

Most couples are totally unaware of what they don’t know but need to if they are going to happily ever after this whole love thing.

How do we go from surviving, to thriving in our marriage and partnerships?!?

Please note: It’s not just you!  We ALL missed the Relationships 101 class at school, because it simply doesn’t exist, and many of us #notallofus, didn’t have very great teachers at home either.

I’m often the second to last call people make, right before the divorce lawyer or moving truck.  Crisis brings them to my door, and helping them breakthrough (their immediate problem) is a small part of what they really need. The biggest part is helping learn the skills to live a purposeful exciting life, as a team. It’s why I work with couples, and individuals in relationships, up to 6 months, personally guiding them through work around communication, love language, core values, mindset transformation, self love, intimacy, forgiveness and so much more.

You could say, I have created that elusive Relationships 101 class, we all missed.

And starting today...

CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION!

I have cleared some slots over the next couple of weeks for YOU to book a FREE Breakthrough To Love call, where we can spend 45 minutes together to sort a way forward in your relationship. 

(Yup, an appointment with me, FOR FREE!)

On this call, I will help you get clarity on where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love and your partnership.

IF, and only if, we both think it’s a good fit, AT THE END OF THE CALL, I may invite you to become one of my new clients and tell you about the coaching programs I can offer, that will provide you with the solutions YOU NEED, in order to save your relationship AND become more healthy and happy within your partnership. 

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE CALL APPOINTMENT HERE

Looking forward to speaking to you soon, my darling!

Are you TWO bickering your way through the holidays, again?

The holidays can be rife with bickering, arguments and disappointment with our partners. The stress levels of trying to have ‘the best Christmas ever’ or winning the approval from the in laws come Hanukah, mixed in with running kids to even more activities than normal, buying the absolutely perfect gifts for every one on your list, end of year meetings and reports by the sleigh load at the office, all while putting on your best sparkling party dress for dinners and drinks(!!) truly exasperates the cracks and wounds in our partnerships.

Happy F’ ing Holidays to one and all, right?

Ahem. Notice I used the words exasperates? Not creates?

Stress puts humans into survival mode. And in survival mode, our masks drop. Because, ain’t nobody got time for that. Old hurts, festering resentments bubble to the surface, unfettered by our normal level of control.

We lose out temper more easily. Our frustration levels skyrocket. And Bickering can become arguments to door busting fights in the blink of an eye.

The good news? Aside from some serious Zen Buddhist holiday makers (of whom I have yet to meet),

IT HAPPENS TO US ALL AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR!

Then we do something incredible regretful. We open the door to shame, and invite it to our holiday party. We berate ourselves and our partners with phrases like… It’s Christmas For heavens sake! Or “Can’t we just have ONE holiday season without doing this??! , Really? You want to ruin the holiday season, again??

So how can we get better at this? How can we lean into the acceptance that stress is exasperating our emotional state without said exasperation taking over, and yelling like a banshee OR spending days doing silent treatment?

I want to offer up two concepts to help you navigate this holiday season with more compassion and place happiness under your tree.

First up…

CONFIRMATION BIAS:

Confirmation Bias is where we have already decided something is true, and then seek out, both consciously and unconsciously the evidence that supports our theory.

We say, “He’s ALWAYS late to get the kids!”  And so, what do we focus in on?  The two times he picked them up on time? Or the four he was late?  When we are in confirmation bias mode, we won’t even be able to see the two times he got it right.  All we seek, and therefore see, are the four times, he did not.

When we believe “Every Christmas, she gets so crazy, I can’t stand it!”  We wait, quietly, patiently like that creepy Elf On The Shelf, popping out with a mighty AHA!! GOTCHA!!! When she comes in with yet another box of expensive Christmas baubles or snaps at the kids whilst decorating the tree. 

In Confirmation Bias Mode, we are blind to the moments and events, where our partner behaved in total contradiction to this belief we are holding.

Confirmation Bias antagonizes our old resentments and annoyances about our partner.

Next up…

MINDFULNESS:

We want to become way more mindful about our language. The language we use in our own heads, first.

Words like ALWAYS, NEVER, EVERY TIME, NOBODY, EVERY BODY are red light indicators we are formulating a limiting belief. These all encompassing, finite words make our emotions, what we FEEL LIKE sound all too factual.

ALWAYS late to grab the kids?

EVERY Christmas she gets crazy?

The reality is… it’s not ALWAYS, OR EVERY TIME, OR NEVER, OR EVERY BODY… but it can sure feel that way. And when we confirm those feelings with language, we are primed for a good fight.

Let us, at this wonderful time of the year, try to foster more goodwill in our partnerships. To spread more cheer to one another.

I’m rooting for you both to win, my darlings. Now, let’s get you rooting that way too!

p.s. Can you imagine if you applied the above, to a fraction of the family that drives you mad EVERY December?!?! ;) WOWZA!

Happy Holidays from me and the hubba hubba! xx

Putting the cart before the horse, in LOVE.

What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
-Tina Turner

Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?!   Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!! 

We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!


I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”

From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?” 



Ever hear that old phrase...   You can’t put the cart before the horse?  

image; pixabay

Well  darling,  LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart.   CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!

However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.


So how do we connect with others?  how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?

image via Pixabay

• We connect with others through clear open communication.

• We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.

• We connect to others by listening to what they have to say. 

• We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves. 

• We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all. 

• We connect with others by asking for help.

• We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.

• We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.

There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.


The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.



A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes.  Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!

image via Pixabay

Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?!   WHAT IF THEY DO??????  No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!

Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners. 


We blame time. Life is so busy! 

We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?

We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us.  THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!

We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!   
 

Blame, is never very helpful. 


This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy!  This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!



So, how’s that horse of yours?  I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time. 

What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?

What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?