Each couple I coach has their own bespoke set of challenges, however there are a handful of issues, that seem to be consistent in each partnership, tearing away at the fabric of their love, trust and intimacy.
Loss of passion, not limited to, however also including a dying sex life.
Poor conflict resolution leading to circular, go no where fast, conversations and arguments.
Affairs, emotional and/or physical where one or both have gone outside the relationship seeking their needs to be met.
Problems with in-laws and extended family, where boundaries and respect are not being cherished.
Loss of love, where one or both partners no longer feels cared for in a way they need to thrive.
This is why my coaching programs always offer instruction, tools and skill learning opportunities for each individual, within the partnership, to become better at leaping these common relationship hurdles.
We always start at the very root; COMMUNICATION!
Wowza, communication is such a big topic and everyone is failing at this, we just can’t figure out how to make ourselves heard and our partners understand.
This week, I want to offer up a significant first step on the road of communication, where so many of you may be falling at the very first hurdle.
One of the worst things we can do, and the very first most of us do.. is projection of self onto our relationship. Your partner is not a version of you. This means that what and they think, their needs and how they translate the world around them. is not the way that you will.
We can get trapped in the resentment fueled circular thought process of how WE would never do such a thing, say such a thing or react in such a way! We interpret their actions and words, through our own lens… i.e. ‘If I didn’t take out the rubbish when asked, it would be because I don’t have any respect for them, and don’t care how busy they are!’
Just because, that would be our motivation and inferred message in this action DOES NOT mean, that is how everyone else thinks, let alone your partner.
In fact, my experience as a relationship coach AND within my own marriage, has shown that it’s almost NEVER that simple.
Men and women have very different communication styles because their foundational needs that are driving the communication are totally different. Beyond that hetero normative angle (um, NO men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus) how we are raised, the role modeled behavior we saw growing up and our own personality traits directly impact how we communicate and resolve conflict. Newsflash, my same sex couples do NOT speak the same language simple because they are the same sex. If only, it was that easy!
Our communication boils down to our CORE NEEDS and If you are in the dark about these core needs, then here is your first problem and why you are struggling.
Your partner keeps saying, “You never say, I love you!".
What do they really mean?
If you know that, you DO indeed say ‘I love you’, even occasionally, you will reject the whole statement at the “never” part sentence. However, this unreasonable word, ‘NEVER’, is the first indicator that it’s not about the ‘I love you’ but something deeper and perhaps even completely different then the what the words above suggest.
For men, and for many partners regardless of gender, this makes no sense. AND, we have no idea how to solve it, so communication quickly becomes shut down.
Sadly, growing up we are not informed that being married for life needs life & relationship skills and new understandings.
Most couples are totally unaware of what they don’t know but need to if they are going to happily ever after this whole love thing.
How do we go from surviving, to thriving in our marriage and partnerships?!?
Please note: It’s not just you! We ALL missed the Relationships 101 class at school, because it simply doesn’t exist, and many of us #notallofus, didn’t have very great teachers at home either.
I’m often the second to last call people make, right before the divorce lawyer or moving truck. Crisis brings them to my door, and helping them breakthrough (their immediate problem) is a small part of what they really need. The biggest part is helping learn the skills to live a purposeful exciting life, as a team. It’s why I work with couples, and individuals in relationships, up to 6 months, personally guiding them through work around communication, love language, core values, mindset transformation, self love, intimacy, forgiveness and so much more.
You could say, I have created that elusive Relationships 101 class, we all missed.
And starting today...
CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION!
I have cleared some slots over the next couple of weeks for YOU to book a FREE Breakthrough To Love call, where we can spend 45 minutes together to sort a way forward in your relationship.
(Yup, an appointment with me, FOR FREE!)
On this call, I will help you get clarity on where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love and your partnership.
IF, and only if, we both think it’s a good fit, AT THE END OF THE CALL, I may invite you to become one of my new clients and tell you about the coaching programs I can offer, that will provide you with the solutions YOU NEED, in order to save your relationship AND become more healthy and happy within your partnership.
SCHEDULE YOUR FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE CALL APPOINTMENT HERE
Looking forward to speaking to you soon, my darling!