New Year. New Love Life!

You might be wondering why this Love Letter is coming a good week and half after the ball dropped?  That first week of the year is a social media frenzy of ‘New Year, New You’ goal smashing inspirational paraphernalia, which can help to kick start the 2023 momentum however it fades from the news cycle on your timeline, fast.   If you are anything like me, I start off very strong on January 1st, and quickly and surely the resolve that resolutions take, can wane.  So think of this weeks Love Letter, as a pick me up before all the steam of your ‘new year, new you’ whistles out. 

What type of resolutions and goals should we set around our dating life? 

Here are a just a few of my favourite few ways to create some tangible change in your search for love.

1. GET OUT, OFTEN.  

Shake off the winter hibernations doldrums, and step out of the online dating comfort zone by actually getting out to meet real people in the real world.  YES! It IS possible to meet people in real life! In fact, in our post lockdown zoom screen glued world, people are more eager for face to face connection than ever before.   Check out some local hobby clubs, interest groups, and pub quiz nights and, if you are really ready to grab 2023 by the proverbial horns, check out your local speed dating and singles nights.

2. LET ANY OLD FLAMES DIE OUT

Whether 2022 saw you fall prey to the bread crumbing trend of people stringing you along, or you’re cyber stalking your ex’s Instagram… it’s time to let that shizzle go.  Do the work to heal your heart and free your mind to be truly open to new possibilities.

3. DO AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE REBOOT

Time to ditch the older pics,  add some new ones and be unabashedly and unapologetically you, all over that ‘About me’ section.   My clients are always amazed when we do a full revamp of their online dating profile how much of an uptick in swipes and quality of messages and people they attract.

If you do nothing else, but these 3 things, you will notice a shift in your dating life. 

If you know, these things would help, however are not going to be enough to truly transform your love life, it might be high time we had a chat.  Book your FREE Breakthrough to Love call today, and lets get some quality time to talk about where you’re at and where you want to go, with love.

Get Real Closure On Past Relationships

I have had countless people book their Breakthrough To Love calls to speak to me about a relationship that has already ended, and moving on is proving hella elusive. These folks are often in various stages of grieving the loss of this relationship, from denial, to bargaining, to anger and many are still woozy from the shockwaves in a state of ‘what the heck just happened??!??!

The word closure has such a lovely ring to it.

Such a finite feel of doors closing, mysteries being solved, hurt being healed. However, in many romances ending, closure evades us. Sometimes its because we didn’t get to have that final conversation in a mature calm manner, or have questions about what went wrong, or the ending was so catastrophic, all we are left with is a bit of rubble, some leaving jabs made from a hurt place by both parties and little to no chance of ever speaking that our past partner again. We can easily become convinced that in order to have closure, the collective WE must be present for to debriefing. In the absence of our departed love, every friend, family member, social media post can be where we hash out and re-hash from every possible angle, desperately seeking closure. Heartbreak and rejection, real or perceived, can truly level our confidence and self worth.

Ultimately, deep down to our core, we want to know one thing. Are we lovable?
If any of the above sounds familiar, dearest , here's a truth bomb you need to hear.

YOUR EX DOES NOT HAVE THAT ANSWER.

That person you are determined to corner somehow for that all important full autopsy of what was your relationship, can never give you the answers you really need. If they couldn’t reassure you while you were together… yeah, it’s definitely not happening now. Let that shit go. Because…

ONLY YOU CAN PROVIDE THE ANSWER.

And my darling, you must learn to find that answer yourself, or any relationship, no matter how wonderful the other person is, how perfect of a prince or princess, how honest, kind and loyal they are… it will never be enough to resolve what keeps derailing your attempts at loving and being loved. I won’t tell you it’s always an easy journey. No ‘in 3 easy steps you will’ kind of snake oil being sold here! This road can be long, typically not a straight shot, but my god, it is so lush!

This important quest goes way deeper than all the articles abound on self love you may read on the internet. Way deeper than a million affirmations repeated daily can ever serve up. The journey I take many of my clients on, is a road to absolute knowledge of their worthiness of love. Love requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires trust. Trust in ourselves, first and foremost. Cause if you don’t trust yourself, how the hell you gonna trust someone else??

Are you ready to stopping asking 'why me'? And start believing, it's gonna be me?

I’m ready to listen, to offer compassion and tangible guidance, when ever you are ready to talk, dearest one.

Book your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call

Why can't you get your partner to really hear and understand you?

Each couple I coach has their own bespoke set of challenges, however there are a handful of issues, that seem to be consistent in each partnership, tearing away at the fabric of their love, trust and intimacy.

• Loss of passion, not limited to, however also including a dying sex life.

• Poor conflict resolution leading to circular, go no where fast, conversations and arguments.

• Affairs, emotional and/or physical where one or both have gone outside the relationship seeking their needs to be met.

• Problems with in-laws and extended family, where boundaries and respect are not being cherished.

• Loss of love, where one or both partners no longer feels cared for in a way they need to thrive.

This is why my coaching programs always offer instruction, tools and skill learning opportunities for each individual, within the partnership, to become better at leaping these common relationship hurdles.

We always start at the very root; COMMUNICATION!  

Wowza, communication is such a big topic and everyone is failing at this, we just can’t figure out how to make ourselves heard and our partners understand.

This week, I want to offer up a significant first step on the road of communication, where so many of you may be falling at the very first hurdle. 

One of the worst things we can do, and the very first most of us do.. is projection of self onto our relationship. Your partner is not a version of you. This means that what and they think, their needs and how they translate the world around them. is not the way that you will.

We can get trapped in the resentment fueled circular thought process of how WE would never do such a thing, say such a thing or react in such a way!  We interpret their actions and words, through our own lens… i.e. ‘If I didn’t take out the rubbish when asked, it would be because I don’t have any respect for them, and don’t care how busy they are!’ 

Just because, that would be our motivation and inferred message in this action DOES NOT mean, that is how everyone else thinks, let alone your partner. 

In fact, my experience as a relationship coach AND within my own marriage, has shown that it’s almost NEVER that simple.

Men and women have very different communication styles because their foundational needs that are driving the communication are totally different.  Beyond that hetero normative angle (um, NO men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus) how we are raised, the role modeled behavior we saw growing up and our own personality traits directly impact how we communicate and resolve conflict. Newsflash, my same sex couples do NOT speak the same language simple because they are the same sex. If only, it was that easy!

Our communication boils down to our CORE NEEDS and If you are in the dark about these core needs, then here is your first problem and why you are struggling.

Your partner keeps saying,  “You never say, I love you!".

What do they really mean?

If you know that, you DO indeed say ‘I love you’, even occasionally, you will reject the whole statement at the “never” part sentence.  However, this unreasonable word, ‘NEVER’, is the first indicator that it’s not about the ‘I love you’ but something deeper and perhaps even completely different then the what the words above suggest. 

For men, and for many partners regardless of gender, this makes no sense.  AND, we have no idea how to solve it, so communication quickly becomes shut down.

Sadly, growing up we are not informed that being married for life needs life & relationship skills and new understandings.

Most couples are totally unaware of what they don’t know but need to if they are going to happily ever after this whole love thing.

How do we go from surviving, to thriving in our marriage and partnerships?!?

Please note: It’s not just you!  We ALL missed the Relationships 101 class at school, because it simply doesn’t exist, and many of us #notallofus, didn’t have very great teachers at home either.

I’m often the second to last call people make, right before the divorce lawyer or moving truck.  Crisis brings them to my door, and helping them breakthrough (their immediate problem) is a small part of what they really need. The biggest part is helping learn the skills to live a purposeful exciting life, as a team. It’s why I work with couples, and individuals in relationships, up to 6 months, personally guiding them through work around communication, love language, core values, mindset transformation, self love, intimacy, forgiveness and so much more.

You could say, I have created that elusive Relationships 101 class, we all missed.

And starting today...

CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION!

I have cleared some slots over the next couple of weeks for YOU to book a FREE Breakthrough To Love call, where we can spend 45 minutes together to sort a way forward in your relationship. 

(Yup, an appointment with me, FOR FREE!)

On this call, I will help you get clarity on where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love and your partnership.

IF, and only if, we both think it’s a good fit, AT THE END OF THE CALL, I may invite you to become one of my new clients and tell you about the coaching programs I can offer, that will provide you with the solutions YOU NEED, in order to save your relationship AND become more healthy and happy within your partnership. 

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE CALL APPOINTMENT HERE

Looking forward to speaking to you soon, my darling!

The Big THREE Relationships Types; Which one do YOU think healthiest?

An interesting topic keeps arising with both my Relationship Coaching clients, the brave couples and empowered individuals who are in relationships AND my Love Coaching clients, the incredible fierce women who are out there in the wilds of the dating jungle.

 

What is a healthy relationship?

Whilst there are as many ways to flesh out the many facets and unique paths towards a ‘healthy relationship’ there are a few basic fundamental points that are universal and if we want the journey of love and partnership to thrive and be a well paved smooth road, we need to navigate the three primary relationships highways, with great care.

Image credit: stephane delval  via unpslash.com

One of the basic principals of coaching, for me the coach, is to never assume you know, what I know.  Confession time!  I don’t always get that right.   And over the last few weeks, it’s become apparent that this very topic is one of the ways, I’ve fallen down, as a coach.  And today, I RECTIFY THAT!  WOOT!

There are three major categories that relationships (and most people who engage with ANY kind of relationship) fall into; Independent, Co-dependent and Interdependent.

This is not one of those millennial races, where every one get’s a prize… there is one clear winner for the best and healthiest type of engagement in relationships. 

In today’s LOVE LETTER I am going to present the big three, and YOU, dearest one, are going to tell me, what you think is the #1 health winner.  Hop on, LET’S RIDE!

CO-DEPENDENT:

Co-dependent relationships are one of the most common ailments I come across in my coaching practice. 

Here is the dictionary definition of CO-DEPENDANT.

Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Right now, you might be thinking OH SNAP, BEEN THERE BOUGHT THE T SHIRT!

Or you might be saying, Hey drug addiction>? Mental health?  That’s not been my relationship experience!

Let me  drill down on the simpler yet deeper explanation of co-dependency.

I am only okay, if you are okay.

My well being is directly influenced by your well being.

I am not sure where I end, and you begin.

Co-dependent relationships are toxic for ALL who are involved, it enables the person we are trying to fix and it stifles our own happiness and ability to self create happiness from within.

INDEPENDENT:

Dictionary definition of INDEPENDENT = Free from outside control.  Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

Whilst this does affect more of my single Love Coaching clients, it’s also not uncommon with those in relationships.  Independence is not a bad thing. In fact this feminist LOVES her some independence! Hellllo free from outside control! YASSS!

HOWEVER when we are using independence to self sustain 100% because we are convinced others will disappoint us, OR we feel that no one can be relied upon to do the job and/or do it right AND/OR  in general are using independence to shield our own control issues… we lose out on allowing others to provide for us. 

Human beings often connect most meaningfully in the exchange of love and through acts of contribution.   If we are too independent to truly receive from others, we in effect make them redundant.  And most people want to feel they play an active, impactful role on others lives.  That they can contribute sustenance, whether that be emotional, mental, spiritual or even financial. 

People are generally drawn to go where they are needed most. In fact, that’s often how we define a ‘good person’.

INTERDEPENDENT:

image credit: Evertone Vila via Unsplash.com

Definition = mutually dependent; depending on each other creating a framework of partnership.

My personal definition for independent?  I want AND need you in my life, but not to have a life.  

Interdependent relationships mean relying on each other for mutual support.  Adding to someone’s happiness, however not being the sole font for that person’s happiness. We are open to give and receive within healthy boundaries, where asked, where appropriate whilst still allowing and even expecting self-sufficiency, too. Interdependent t partnerships do not necessarily mean everything is split down the middle 50/50, but instead means that each individuals assets and limitations are valued and utilized for an overall sense of equality. 

You can be in an interdependent relationship where one spouse is the overall ‘bread winner’ whilst the other spouse is provides the highly valuable ( yet wildly un monetized) service of childcare.  In a healthy interdependent relationships, those roles do not have to correlate with traditional gender roles, and yet they still can, if that is what works best for your relationship. 

You can be in an interdependent relationship and still put concerted effort in to brightening your partners day, or booking those concert tickets you know will bring them joy but you don’t feel you HAVE to do those things in order to be liked, loved desired by your partner OR that if you don’t ‘make them happy’ they won’t BE happy.

I do hope the above offers you a very clear and easy to apply standard for relationships. 

POP QUIZ!!!

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IS THE WINNER FOR HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP OF THE YEAR? 

And, where do you see where you have been curating, participating and harming yourself and others in your past relationship?  OR, your current one, my dear? 

Can’t wait to hear your responses in the comments!

xx

We rose from the ashes... blood and a whole lot of tears to find LOVE!

and YOU can too!

Image credit; Photo by Darius Soodmand on Unsplash

Let's hit the rewind button for a moment...

NYC, 2008; I found myself sitting on my Upper East Side front stoop, in tears, feeling so very left behind, and wondering what the point of it all was.

I had just got off a call, where I was informed of my exclusion from our annual friends ski trip, because it was now a 'couples thing'.   OOOOOF! Right in the stomach! 

My friends, all recently into new relationships, thought they were saving me from an awkward week of being the 7th wheel. All I felt was this absolute confirmation, that I was less than whole for being single AND that I was now firmly running way behind the pack. That they were somehow moving on, and I felt so very stuck. It hurt, and triggered something right to my core.


There I was, strong woman, super successful in my career, a great social life by most standards, living in one of the greatest cities in the world, and feeling so alone and lost. testTHATlower2, I was str8 losing the plot, on my East 87th street building stairs!


I was so far away from my hearts desire, of love and partnership, I might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy.



 

WHY COULDN'T I SEEM TO SORT THIS AREA OUT?

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

WAS I BROKEN?!?

 

Hitting rock bottom in dating, saved my love life.

Surrender, saved my sanity.

And a coach, turned my life, right side round.

Waving a white flag and finally asking for help in the arena of love, literally saved my sanity. It empowered me to a level of wonder womaness that I didn't know was possible, and didn't really know was missing!

My self esteem, SOARED! My Confidence BLOSSOMED! And my tolerance for BS in every area of my life, dropped as I learned how to boundary like a boss, and really have my voice heard!


 

Oh, It also netted me the most extraordinary partnership with a truly wonderful human being, who is so very worthy and able of building a life beyond my wildest dreams with!

Darlin' It ran so much deeper than just getting on on dates.

So much deeper than all the 'drive them crazy for you' tomfoolery I was reading about online.

And it was so not about learning the secret location to the bat cave where all the good men were hiding!

It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty on some days. But that worthy work, was one of the best decisions and investments in me, I've ever made.



 

Oh, and....

 

I AM NOT ALONE!  

My clients experience this same love life revolution and
deeply personal transformation!

So much so, they wanted to share their experience, with other women, like YOU!

Here is a quick peek at Katie's story;

Catch Katies full testimonial under my RAVE REVIEWS

 

And the lovely superstar, Ruth! 

Read Ruth's full testimonal under my RAVE REVIEWS

I am filled with such incredible gratitude when I receive these powerful testimonials from my clients.  My heart just swells up against my rib cage with joy!   That I have been able to help them facilitate tangible change in their love lives, AND short circuited the process that took me years AND years of blood, sweat and a whole lotta tears to figure out, simply because I was so convinced, I had to figure this out all on my own!   I look back now, and I realize how crazy pants that was... and how I wouldn't and didn't hesitate to ask for help AND invest time, money and energy in my career, education, social life, heck even my travels... to get the results I wanted!   


I hate to get all bragalicious over here, however one of my superpowers??  I have the actual mileage of working with incredible women and getting them results they never knew possible.

The proof is indeed in the pudding ya'll! 




Can we real talk for a moment here?

There are a lot of folks out there who use the term 'expert' and claim they will help you attract the love of your life in 6 days (?!?!)... I'm not one to mince words, so let me boldly call BULLSH%T!   on all that snake oil shizzle!

Transforming how we seek, attract, give and receive love is truly epic and worthy work, that takes time and a whole lotta heart!

 

Both of which I have no doubt, you have in spades, dearest one!

Before I leave you today, I want to let you know, my Spring 2018 Private 1-2-1 Coaching Programs are almost filled to the brim, with just 3 spaces remaining!  If you are serious about revolutionizing your love life, stopping the endless going no where messaging of online dating and start getting out on to real 3d dates, with real 3d people in the real 3d world, the simple truth is, I CAN HELP! 

2018 is cruising at top speed, and if you're not getting anywhere closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your life with, let's get on the phone and have a chat!  FOR FREE!

I am offering up a my signature FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call today, so you and I can get right down to it, and start sorting it!

Let's go on a first date, lady!  BOOK YOUR CALL!