Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership?
Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication.
EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key. No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way. Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.
What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?
I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.
Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things. We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted, both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort. Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.
The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view. ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning. In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.
Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.
Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict.
In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture, many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.
In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’. Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.
Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever. Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution.