DATING TIP THURSDAY: Do a FIRST MEET before a FIRST DATE

One of the very first things I work with my private clients around is what dating, with intention and with discernment, should look like.  That there is a somewhat formulaic dynamic to meeting the right person for us, and connecting in a meaningful way.  I say ‘somewhat’ because I don’t believe in rigid cookie cutter rules of dating, as my clients are anything but cookie cutter people.  However there is template to being more successful out there in the wilds of the modern dating jungle, and this is the very first step.

Ditch the whole FIRST DATE, and go for more of a drive by, FIRST MEET.  

A first date, is something that ideally lasts a minimum of an hour, and includes more commitment of your time and almost always includes a feeling of more pressure.  ESPECIALLY if you are looking to meet someone from a dating app for the first time in real life… deffo go for a FIRST MEET. 

So what do I mean by a first meet?

A first meet is a casual 30 minute max type of face to face first contact.   It’s a quick ice cream in a (well lit and very public) park, it’s a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a stroll through an exhibit at an art museum, type of thing.

A FIRST MEET is designed to do a few things:

1.      Confirmation of visual attraction.  FACT! We are, by our nature, visual creatures, unless of course we are visually handicapped in some way.  And whilst we may have had a bevy of photos on their profile, if you have been out there in the wilds for long, you have probably already met someone off a dating app who most certainly did NOT look like their profile pics.

2.      Confirmation of other forms of initial attraction.  This can be tonal, pheromonal or even just the energy someone emanates. The sound of someone’s voice, they way they smell, hold themselves with their body language or just in general first impression present themselves can be uniquely attractive or unattractive, to another person.

3.      Confirmation of interest.  And by that, I DO NOT MEAN A SPARK!  I think we are selling ourselves and others short, in this overwhelming belief that a spark should be instantaneous and visceral.  I’m talking about that piquing of curiosity that says ‘huh, I’d definitely like to discover more about this person’.  That moment when we realise, ‘hey! I’m having fun!  I think we could have more fun if we gave it an hour or two on a proper first date.’

That’s it. That’s the first meet. A quick, how do you do, that should, no matter how well it is going, end at the allotted time.  Why? Why would I want to end a good first meet if we are really hitting it off?   Well my dear, there is some powerful phycology about leaving them wanting more AND, perhaps even more important, holding boundaries, even small ones in the early stages of dating, is empowering and necessary for your well being.  Slow it all down, and lean into abundance and away from the scarcity that is telling you to hurry things up before its too late!!

Even if someone is pressing for an elaborate OTT first date, where they want to whisk you off your feet… dial it down.  Go for a much more brief FIRST MEET.   I can report myself, on more than one occasion, falling for that long incredible invite of a first date and then desperately trying to find ways to get out of said date early cause it was all wrong.   Keep it sweet, short and simply pressure free. 

The Reason You Can't Get on a Second DAte - PART TWO

Time for part two of the Why You Can’t Get Past The First Date; Love letter.

Last week I wrote to you about scenario one, The date one goes really well, and then POOF! the person disappears,  or you get the dreaded follow up message ‘sorry, I just didn’t feel a connection.’ and if you missed it, check it out here.

This week we address…

SCENARIO 2:  After much promising messaging, date one does NOT live up to expectations, and you find yourself on the first date merry go round, without ever meeting people they want to go on a second date with.  Not getting out on dates sucks but, wow a seemingly endless cycle of DUD dates, can actually be worse.  

The dreaded, dud date.  The ‘will I EVER meet anyone I connect with’ hopeless cycle of dud dates.   Seriously, it can be soul crushing.  But why does this keep happening?   Is it a case of, all the good ones are taken, strikes again?  

I can guarantee you, its NOT true that all the good ones are taken, and there ARE some great people out there you can truly connect with on a deep level.

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The problem is, you don’t really and specifically know what you are looking for AND you are not calling those people to you through your online dating profile, messages or actions in the real face to face world.

I know that might sound harsh, but real talk is what you are always going to get from me , dearest one.

In the first few sessions I spend with my private clients, I help them to understand the dynamics of meeting the right people, and faciliate these clients getting really clear on what they are looking for in a partner and relationship. We always start with the WHO. Who they are, and who they want AND need in order to thrive. We wave a whole hearted goodbye to generic descriptors like.. KIND, FUNNY, GENEROUS, SMART, etc.. and drill down to what these words really mean to them AND what someone who truly fits thier definiation of these traits looks, sounds and acts like so we can recognise them.

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And we don’t stop there! We work on updating thier dating profiles to call the right ones in, and repel the wrong ones far far away. I always say, the love is in the details, and we use all the detail we reveal in our coaching sessions about the who, what and why of thier desires and needs to weed out the duds, before we ever waste a single moment of thier prescious time getting out on that first date with a dud, and start getting out on first, second and third dates with people who have real potentional for connection and love.

Here is the just one of the questions, I ask these clients, that I want to offer up to you today so you can start getting some real clarity on what you are looking for, so you can start to fine tune your search.

Write a list of all the character and physical traits you want in a partner, AKA the funny, emotionally intelligent, and yes, even the tall or fit descriptors we use… and THEN, go back and define what each one means to you. Like, you are writing your very own dictionary, describe that “funny” means to you.

Here’s the thing, NO TWO CLIENTS EVER HAVE THE SAME EXACT DEFINITION! And neither will you, my dear.