DATING TIP THURSDAY: Do a FIRST MEET before a FIRST DATE

One of the very first things I work with my private clients around is what dating, with intention and with discernment, should look like.  That there is a somewhat formulaic dynamic to meeting the right person for us, and connecting in a meaningful way.  I say ‘somewhat’ because I don’t believe in rigid cookie cutter rules of dating, as my clients are anything but cookie cutter people.  However there is template to being more successful out there in the wilds of the modern dating jungle, and this is the very first step.

Ditch the whole FIRST DATE, and go for more of a drive by, FIRST MEET.  

A first date, is something that ideally lasts a minimum of an hour, and includes more commitment of your time and almost always includes a feeling of more pressure.  ESPECIALLY if you are looking to meet someone from a dating app for the first time in real life… deffo go for a FIRST MEET. 

So what do I mean by a first meet?

A first meet is a casual 30 minute max type of face to face first contact.   It’s a quick ice cream in a (well lit and very public) park, it’s a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a stroll through an exhibit at an art museum, type of thing.

A FIRST MEET is designed to do a few things:

1.      Confirmation of visual attraction.  FACT! We are, by our nature, visual creatures, unless of course we are visually handicapped in some way.  And whilst we may have had a bevy of photos on their profile, if you have been out there in the wilds for long, you have probably already met someone off a dating app who most certainly did NOT look like their profile pics.

2.      Confirmation of other forms of initial attraction.  This can be tonal, pheromonal or even just the energy someone emanates. The sound of someone’s voice, they way they smell, hold themselves with their body language or just in general first impression present themselves can be uniquely attractive or unattractive, to another person.

3.      Confirmation of interest.  And by that, I DO NOT MEAN A SPARK!  I think we are selling ourselves and others short, in this overwhelming belief that a spark should be instantaneous and visceral.  I’m talking about that piquing of curiosity that says ‘huh, I’d definitely like to discover more about this person’.  That moment when we realise, ‘hey! I’m having fun!  I think we could have more fun if we gave it an hour or two on a proper first date.’

That’s it. That’s the first meet. A quick, how do you do, that should, no matter how well it is going, end at the allotted time.  Why? Why would I want to end a good first meet if we are really hitting it off?   Well my dear, there is some powerful phycology about leaving them wanting more AND, perhaps even more important, holding boundaries, even small ones in the early stages of dating, is empowering and necessary for your well being.  Slow it all down, and lean into abundance and away from the scarcity that is telling you to hurry things up before its too late!!

Even if someone is pressing for an elaborate OTT first date, where they want to whisk you off your feet… dial it down.  Go for a much more brief FIRST MEET.   I can report myself, on more than one occasion, falling for that long incredible invite of a first date and then desperately trying to find ways to get out of said date early cause it was all wrong.   Keep it sweet, short and simply pressure free. 

Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating

I was, once again, tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.

“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.

Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”

Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash

I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.

• Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.

• Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.

• Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.

• Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.

• Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.

• Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.

• Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.

Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???

Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash

The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.

We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.

And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.

Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.

It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward.  Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle. 

Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!

This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life.  Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved! 

I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call! 

If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life. 

BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE

Tis' the Season to find LOVE

I won’t sugar coat this for you,  December – March is my busiest time of year, for dating coaching clients.  It can be very lonely to be single this time of year, between random relatives asking if you are seeing anyone special followed by the ol’ ‘you gotta put yourself out there’ parting jab...  a ball dropping on New Years and no kiss in sight and then just when you think you made it out alive, hells bells(!!) freaking Valentines day comes trouncing into town like a toddler hopped up on sugar.  Cue massive eyeroll !

And I know it sounds  bit crazy to tell you this, BUT the holiday season is a great time to be single…

And whilst yes, watching couples smooch under mistletoe doesn’t feel like something to celebrate, here is exactly why it can be an incredible time to be out and about dating.  Read my top 3 reasons the holiday season is a great time to be single here

Top 3 Reasons the holiday season is a great time be single:

1.       ‘A time to spread goodwill and cheer’  There is something magical and festive about this time of year, that puts everyone in a more social mood. We have dinners and parties to attend, shopping to do and a feeling of getting the most out of the end of the year.  This means most people are more ‘up’ for going out, meeting up and have a unconscious drive to have a good time.

2.       ‘Busy time of the year’   For many of you, this is a very busy time of the year  Whether that be lots of evenings booked up with festivities or end of year deadlines looming.  One of the best tips I give my clients using online dating is to switch out a traditional first date for a much more casual and short ‘first meet’.    Setting up a 30 minute cup of coffee, glass of wine or hot chocolate by the Christmas tree in town gives us just enough time to get a much needed face to face first impression and confirm (or deny) what we saw online with in person reality.  It also dials back all the pressure and build up we can sometimes place on a longer first date, which helps us to ease any anxiety.   And, its way easier to propose this by saying something like… ‘weeks busy with Christmas parties but I would love to meet up!  How about we meet any such and such place for a quick this and that before I have to be at FILL IN THE BLANK party?’   And hey, bonus points if who shows up, barely resembles their online pics AND has the real life personality of a wet mop, cause you are not committed to, nor trying to figure our how to get out of a typical 1-2 hour date.

 

3.       ‘Say cheese!’  You know what else is a glorious by product of this time of year?  Great profile pic update opportunities as you sashay around town, a bit more glammed up, and filled with that certain confident festive sass than usual. Before the drinks get the better of everyone, grab that co-worker at the office Christmas party and gave them take some fun new pics for your dating profile.

Wishing you all the love this holiday season and as always remember, YOU ARE THE GREATEST GIFT anyone can find under the tree! xx

Want my help navigating the wilds of modern dating? Book in your FREE Breankthrough To Love call so we can chat. Happy Holidays!

Has lock down changed dating? [LOVE LETTER}

I am gleefully easing back into our normally scheduled program @ Love Letters, as the light of the lock down tunnel grows brighter.  You will still see some Self Care During Crisis tips being sent out, which I truly hope has helped to ease your path with some much needed coping skills during this pandemic, but it's time to jump back in to the love talk, with both feet baby!

So how has lock down changed the dating world?  And, what extended impact will Covid 19 have on your search for love, moving forward?


This has been a crazy couple of months, and for many the initial reaction to facing lock down was 'Whelp. there goes any chance of a love life!'  

However that couldn't be further from the truth.   Love always finds a way.  

I have had so many clients navigating dating during lock down, and discovering there are some huge pluses. 

How has the world of dating weathered a pandemic?  

Well, it's actually flourished!  This, is how and why.

Photo by Allie on Unsplash

THE HOW:

Ya' know how it feels like all your days are spend on video calls lately?  Along with work meetings and family calls, that's where dating moved too.  Zoom, Whatsapp Video Calls, Facetime, you name it, people have been meeting up to have a date on it.  And I do mean, dates... some go as far as making dinners to eat across a candle lit screen together! 

It may sound strange, even crazy.  You may be reading this with a wrinkled 'oh no I won't' nose right now... but it's happening and you are missing out on something truly transformational in online dating, since the first online dating app launched!
What is really lovely about this new pandemic wave format of dating, is that it pumps the breaks on the physical aspect and can super charge the intimacy building aspect of dating, which we have all been missing!

You can actually spend quality time, talking to someone and not just worried if they want a one night stand.

I have guided many of my private clients to up their virtual dates, by doing an online pub quiz, or doing a game night... either by participating in the loads being put on by others, or creating a game to be played just the two of them.  And, beyond raising the fun factor, it's made each of them feel like they actually went out for a night! 

('Going out' what are those words I am saying? I mean, i can't remember what 'Going Out' or 'Plans For the Evening' even mean anymore lol)

The dating industry, has followed virtual suit.  Moving speed dating and singles nights online, with great success.

People are finding that taking a physical step back from face to face dates, has proven to be a massive step forward in building more authentic connections.



Is it solely just online dating, extending to further 'online' dating? 

Many people are have 3-6 virtual dates and then, depending on how well those go, moving to meeting people in real time.  SAFELY!

This is a virus no one wants to mess with, and social distancing is proven to stop the spread.  So how do you date, while socially distancing?

Here are some great ideas, that people are loving right now AND are safe to pursue.

Original Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

SOCIALLY DISTANCED...

• Park Walks! 

• Picnics!

• Sunset drinks!

• Going for a run!

• Gazebo BYOB cocktails!

Outdoor dates are fab, because not only are you keeping healthy by staying 2 meters/6 feet away, you are in a well ventilated atmosphere.  Make sure you bring your own picnic or drinks and stay within the recommended Covid guidelines.



One of the greatest tools for dealing with attachment issues that cause us to go a bit crazy with fantasy OR get our running shoes on, is to slllllooowwwww down.   And this pandemic has slowed down dating, and the results can be pretty magnificent.

Photo by Kimberly Mears on Unsplash

So WHY is lock down changing the dating game and driving more authentic connections than ever?
​​First and foremost, the chemicals released on the brain during crisis, are EXTREMELY similar to those released when we fall in love.

Seeking out alliances, connections and community is a natural survival response to threat.  There is more power in numbers.   Back at the beginning of this whole mess, I sent out a love letter warning against falling in love too quickly during a pandemic, with very good reason.

HOWEVER,  it's not all bad. 
​
I know this pandemic has created an opportunity for many of us to take stock, re-evaluate and re-group around what's really important in life. This will naturally extend to our love lives, as well.   Its been a scary few months, and facing it alone, can really spot light our singleton status. Isolation during lock down, brings the very natural human emotion of loneliness right to the forefront for everyone, regardless of relationship status.  

The long lasting impact as we come out of Covid 19,  will be desiring connection and partnership will rise up.  People will be dating more intentionally and with a greater sense of purpose.



If you are already on the virtual dating train, I would love to hear some of your stories.  If you feel inspired by this email to jump in with both feet...

COMMENT BELOW… OR join us over at our girl gang fb group, click here ----> FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE.

Self Care During Crisis Tip #3: Falling In Love During A Pandemic

Just lil ol' me back with another Self Care Tip ,

Today's Self Care During Crisis Tip is for all my singletons! 

Here was a great question posted in the Feminista Seeks Love group yesterday…

How long should you date someone before labels like girl friend/boy friend come into play? Before saying I love you?


It’s a question I get normally, and one of the first things I address with new coaching clients who are looking for love… HOWEVER yesterday, it gave me extra cause for pause.

Right now, we are in the throes of a worldwide pandemic, our present is discombobulated at best, and under direct threat, at worst.  Our future is super uncertain.  This is a crisis.  And crisis can do funny things to the heart!

Oxytocin is often called the "love hormone" or "cuddle chemical," but American and Norwegian researchers have found out that it may as well be called a "crisis hormone


-Norwegian University of Science and Technology

When we are under threat, our brains release Oxytocin, so we can fight, flight or freeze our asses for survival.   It also is what makes us band together to fight a common threat.  Trauma bonding is a real thing. And, in itself isn't inherently a bad thing... but confusing this with intimacy, profound once in a lifetime connection and with really knowing someone, can be a very bad thing.


There are countless examples of this… I always think of the movie SPEED, with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.  Classic example of two strangers, bonded together by an extremely traumatic survival situation, that ends, of course... with a big romance.  AND, the movie ends there.  What we don’t see is, what happened the weeks that followed that terrifying bus ride! 

Some of you were mid 1st, 2nd and 3rd date or more, when the world as we know it, fell apart and social distancing became the new black. And you have carried on, scheduling fun video dates with these people. Which is GREAT!  This virus dust will settle, and life will move on.  Yassss, keep moving forward with dating!

What concerns me as that during this crisis, oxytocin may very well be blending with some ‘oh shit, I'm all alone with no one to go through this big life stuff with’ and creating a cocktail of hot wired intimacy, that feels very VERY real… but is short cutting the simple fact that, true intimacy takes T I M E. 

Getting to know someone, and making an informed conscious decision to commit to that person, cannot be rushed.  I suggest 10-15 dates to clients, which depending on the circumstances, is approx. 3-6 months. By all means, request sexual exclusivity for safety reasons, but actually choosing this person as a partner?!?! Let’s not do that all hopped up high on Oxytocin! 

Self Care in this situation means, sloooowwww down.  Enjoy the ride of getting to know someone! 

We are on lock down people, time is what we have most of right now!






Oh, and one last BONUS tip for you, dearest , see below.

THIS!  ALL THE THIS!  lol  :)

How do we avoid the common pitfalls of a transformative event or experience?

Wow, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve blogged! I have not forgotten you, but my gosh, It’s been a busy few weeks, with a load of fabulous new clients coming onboard and a retreat, to boot!

That’s right, a couple of weeks ago, I had the great honor and privilege of facilitating a Phoenix Rising Relationships Retreat for 50 amazing women. As with any event, there is usually some time for me to retrospectively process the weekend, the content and the results as attendees share what it has been like for them, post retreat. To see what successes and pitfalls, the folks who attended, have in the aftermath of such a powerful weekend.

Phoenix Rising Retreats; RISE 1 RELATIONSHIPS Oct 2019

Today, I want to talk to you all, regardless if you were on the retreat or not, about two of the most common and fatal of pitfalls after having an incredible learning experience about ourselves and relationships…

Up first, THE GREAT DUMP.

This is where we come home, high on all we have learned, ready to take on the world and completely transform and heal our relationships. Buzzing through the front door, grabbing our partners in a firm grip, and dumping ALLLLLLLL the things we learned AND ALLLLLLL the things that need to change, and emphatically stating what THEY NEED TO DO, RIGHT NOW!!!!

My co-facilitator put it quite eloquently during the Sunday wrap up… “Remember your partner did NOT come to the retreat! They did not have this experience!”

Oh, how easy it is to forget that little fact.

I use the analogy of the game of tennis. You and your partner are two players, on opposite sides of the court, who have been volleying the ball, back and forth, to and fro, the same way for a long time. The retreat attendees, do home, and change their footing, some for the first time, in a long while. They start whizzing the ball in a completely new direction. Which is great!! However, your partner is still frozen in their same position. The first, and maybe even, the first few times, you wing the ball onto the other side of the court, they will more than likely, miss the point.

If we expect our whole relationship to change within a week of us having a learning bomb dropped on us, like at a retreat, we are setting ourselves up for some serious disappointment. And, because we are so high on what we have learned, the crash down to earth in that disappointment can feel B R U T A L .

We can end up feeling even more alone and more hopeless about our relationship, then before.

Second biggest pitfall… LITTLE TO NO FOLLOW UP.

When we have these lightning bolt epiphanies, it can galvanize us into action, like never before! However, if we do not commit to, and follow up with consistent effort afterwards, that transformation, doesn’t stand a chance of truly taking root.

One of the aspects of coaching I love, is the aspect I need the most in my own life… someone to help me stay accountable. See, I can tumble off a good transformation wagon, quick. Just as quick and fervently as when I hopped on. At the end of the retreat weekend, we all committed to five great acts of self-love to incorporate into our own lives. Sadly, I know all too well, that many will not keep it up long enough to create a new habit of care and love for themselves, where it is most needed.

And others, will. And in doing so, shine so brightly into the new year, we will revel in their light.

So, whether it was a blog, book, retreat or even one of my free masterclasses you attended that cracked you wide open to the possibility of transforming your relationship and love life… I wanted to share this information with you, these too common pitfalls, and encourage you to clamber back onto that wagon, dearest one!



And if you, like me, need a team mate to keep you accountable… AND you are truly ready to learn the HOW of relationships, dating and love… we should definitely chat.

That dating life, tho'?!?! YIKES!

Oh the dating life... I remember it all too well.

I started off in life, as a serial monogamist, or as I like to call it ‘second date relationship girl’. I jumped in and out of long-term relationships, in part because I had no idea I was supposed to be actually carefully considering partnership choices i.e. I like you, you like me, (what little we actually know about each other) and that was enough to make it official… however, mostly, I was ‘second date relationship girl’, because I was terrified of being alone.

When I was 25, I had a 2.5 year live in relationship come to a spectacularly painful end, just as I was moving to NYC. I spent the next 2 years mostly alone, without a date in sight, and then I started to do something I had never done before… D A T E. And, by D A T E, I mean actually go out with multiple people, on multiple dates, trying to figure out if they were right for me, BEFORE getting into a relationship, and subsequently waking up 6+ months later, looking over in bed, and thinking ‘who are you?!?’

However, I was missing one crucial trick in the dating process. I had no idea what ‘right for me’ even meant, not really.

So, I spent 6 years, on the neck breaking careening roller coaster of dating, holding on for dear life.

I made load of mistakes. Dated some real cray cray people. I broke a few hearts. Got mine torn to shreds more than a few times, and somewhere around rock bottom, I was standing on the corner of 14th street and 5th Ave, crying into my best friends arms, after a from day one red flagged filled affair, I should have been way smarter then to get into, that left me broken.

I was stumped.

How could I be in my early 30’s and apparently be no real wiser in love? How could I, this smart, savvy, independent boss of a gal, who had an amazing career, great friends, kick ass hobbies and interests, living in the greatest city in the world, be so hopelessly single?!?!

Finally, I surrendered and sought some professional help.

On that journey, not only did I get...

• Some real clarity on what ‘right for me’ meant

• I was able to resolve some historical trauma and shame around love.

• I was able to leave my parents role modeled relationship to them, and not allow it to effect how I moved about the arena of love.

• I was able to become secure from within, in my ability to attract and choose a good one.

• AND free myself of some old ideas and behaviors that NEVER truly served me.

It was NOT an overnight cure. It was not without great effort, time and even some cold hard investment of cash. And it was one of the single greatest leaps, and investments in me, I have ever taken in my life.



About a year later, I met Mark, who you have heard me more often refer to as The Hubba Hubba, my hunka hunka burnin’ love. He didn’t look, talk, or act like anyone I had ever dated. He challenged me on so many levels, in the best of ways. Three years later, we were married. My continued work on myself, and relationships allowed me to not only pick a really REALLY good one, it stopped me from sabotaging it, with unrealistic expectations, and my old behaviors. Our relationship is NOT perfect, but hot damn, I look over at him now, ten years on, and I am more in love with him today, then I was in the beginning.

Who would have thought it possible?

Well, not me, for large part of my life. Sure, I hoped for it, I dreamed of it, but deep down I didn’t believe it was possible for me.

If you are reading this, and know exactly what I mean… I see you. I’ve been you. And I know the way forward, my dear!



Have you booked in your FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call with me yet? Whatcha’ waiting for? If nothing changes, nothing changes, dearest one.