Top Dating Tip: Don't overshare!

This week, I wanted to dole out a top dating tip that has helped alot of my private clients create real, lasting connection.

TOP DATING TIP: DON’T OVERSHARE ON THE FIRST FEW DATES!

In this modern age, where so much of our personal life is out there on social media with the click of the post button, and where we are also chatting with a stranger online one minute and out on a date with them the next, it seems like the faster we go, the better it may be. .. but you simply can’t hotwire intimacy like that.

Genuine connection and Intimacy takes time, and should be a slower paced, reciprocal process. Oversharing may make us feel more connected in the moment, due to the heightened vulnerability we feel however its more likely to repel people than attract them.  There are many terms for it, but my favourite is one Brene Brown calls, flood lighting.  Floodlights are powerful almost blinding lights that will instinctually cause someone to shade their eyes, and back away from the source.  And sharing our deepest hopes and dreams and/or darkest secrets or traumas, early on in the dating process has the same effect. 

Dating is all about getting to know someone, over the course of many dates.  Its why its called ‘DATING’ and not ‘DATE’.  Connection works best as a beautiful unveiling of authentic layer by authentic layer.  We do want to discover commonality and create mutual connection that has a positive association as soon as possible however that should start in a more light hearted playful way, like shared music interests, sense of humour,  hobbies and passions, NOT  shared childhood trauma, history of sexual escapades, or that we know we want exactly 2.5 children and a house by the seaside by age 40.  Lets leave all that till the person we have been dating for a few months has proven they are worthy of hearing and holding our innermost hopes and fears.

The Reason You Can't Get on a Second DAte - PART TWO

Time for part two of the Why You Can’t Get Past The First Date; Love letter.

Last week I wrote to you about scenario one, The date one goes really well, and then POOF! the person disappears,  or you get the dreaded follow up message ‘sorry, I just didn’t feel a connection.’ and if you missed it, check it out here.

This week we address…

SCENARIO 2:  After much promising messaging, date one does NOT live up to expectations, and you find yourself on the first date merry go round, without ever meeting people they want to go on a second date with.  Not getting out on dates sucks but, wow a seemingly endless cycle of DUD dates, can actually be worse.  

The dreaded, dud date.  The ‘will I EVER meet anyone I connect with’ hopeless cycle of dud dates.   Seriously, it can be soul crushing.  But why does this keep happening?   Is it a case of, all the good ones are taken, strikes again?  

I can guarantee you, its NOT true that all the good ones are taken, and there ARE some great people out there you can truly connect with on a deep level.

via GIPHY

The problem is, you don’t really and specifically know what you are looking for AND you are not calling those people to you through your online dating profile, messages or actions in the real face to face world.

I know that might sound harsh, but real talk is what you are always going to get from me , dearest one.

In the first few sessions I spend with my private clients, I help them to understand the dynamics of meeting the right people, and faciliate these clients getting really clear on what they are looking for in a partner and relationship. We always start with the WHO. Who they are, and who they want AND need in order to thrive. We wave a whole hearted goodbye to generic descriptors like.. KIND, FUNNY, GENEROUS, SMART, etc.. and drill down to what these words really mean to them AND what someone who truly fits thier definiation of these traits looks, sounds and acts like so we can recognise them.

via GIPHY

And we don’t stop there! We work on updating thier dating profiles to call the right ones in, and repel the wrong ones far far away. I always say, the love is in the details, and we use all the detail we reveal in our coaching sessions about the who, what and why of thier desires and needs to weed out the duds, before we ever waste a single moment of thier prescious time getting out on that first date with a dud, and start getting out on first, second and third dates with people who have real potentional for connection and love.

Here is the just one of the questions, I ask these clients, that I want to offer up to you today so you can start getting some real clarity on what you are looking for, so you can start to fine tune your search.

Write a list of all the character and physical traits you want in a partner, AKA the funny, emotionally intelligent, and yes, even the tall or fit descriptors we use… and THEN, go back and define what each one means to you. Like, you are writing your very own dictionary, describe that “funny” means to you.

Here’s the thing, NO TWO CLIENTS EVER HAVE THE SAME EXACT DEFINITION! And neither will you, my dear.

Has lock down changed dating? [LOVE LETTER}

I am gleefully easing back into our normally scheduled program @ Love Letters, as the light of the lock down tunnel grows brighter.  You will still see some Self Care During Crisis tips being sent out, which I truly hope has helped to ease your path with some much needed coping skills during this pandemic, but it's time to jump back in to the love talk, with both feet baby!

So how has lock down changed the dating world?  And, what extended impact will Covid 19 have on your search for love, moving forward?


This has been a crazy couple of months, and for many the initial reaction to facing lock down was 'Whelp. there goes any chance of a love life!'  

However that couldn't be further from the truth.   Love always finds a way.  

I have had so many clients navigating dating during lock down, and discovering there are some huge pluses. 

How has the world of dating weathered a pandemic?  

Well, it's actually flourished!  This, is how and why.

Photo by Allie on Unsplash

THE HOW:

Ya' know how it feels like all your days are spend on video calls lately?  Along with work meetings and family calls, that's where dating moved too.  Zoom, Whatsapp Video Calls, Facetime, you name it, people have been meeting up to have a date on it.  And I do mean, dates... some go as far as making dinners to eat across a candle lit screen together! 

It may sound strange, even crazy.  You may be reading this with a wrinkled 'oh no I won't' nose right now... but it's happening and you are missing out on something truly transformational in online dating, since the first online dating app launched!
What is really lovely about this new pandemic wave format of dating, is that it pumps the breaks on the physical aspect and can super charge the intimacy building aspect of dating, which we have all been missing!

You can actually spend quality time, talking to someone and not just worried if they want a one night stand.

I have guided many of my private clients to up their virtual dates, by doing an online pub quiz, or doing a game night... either by participating in the loads being put on by others, or creating a game to be played just the two of them.  And, beyond raising the fun factor, it's made each of them feel like they actually went out for a night! 

('Going out' what are those words I am saying? I mean, i can't remember what 'Going Out' or 'Plans For the Evening' even mean anymore lol)

The dating industry, has followed virtual suit.  Moving speed dating and singles nights online, with great success.

People are finding that taking a physical step back from face to face dates, has proven to be a massive step forward in building more authentic connections.



Is it solely just online dating, extending to further 'online' dating? 

Many people are have 3-6 virtual dates and then, depending on how well those go, moving to meeting people in real time.  SAFELY!

This is a virus no one wants to mess with, and social distancing is proven to stop the spread.  So how do you date, while socially distancing?

Here are some great ideas, that people are loving right now AND are safe to pursue.

Original Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

SOCIALLY DISTANCED...

• Park Walks! 

• Picnics!

• Sunset drinks!

• Going for a run!

• Gazebo BYOB cocktails!

Outdoor dates are fab, because not only are you keeping healthy by staying 2 meters/6 feet away, you are in a well ventilated atmosphere.  Make sure you bring your own picnic or drinks and stay within the recommended Covid guidelines.



One of the greatest tools for dealing with attachment issues that cause us to go a bit crazy with fantasy OR get our running shoes on, is to slllllooowwwww down.   And this pandemic has slowed down dating, and the results can be pretty magnificent.

Photo by Kimberly Mears on Unsplash

So WHY is lock down changing the dating game and driving more authentic connections than ever?
​​First and foremost, the chemicals released on the brain during crisis, are EXTREMELY similar to those released when we fall in love.

Seeking out alliances, connections and community is a natural survival response to threat.  There is more power in numbers.   Back at the beginning of this whole mess, I sent out a love letter warning against falling in love too quickly during a pandemic, with very good reason.

HOWEVER,  it's not all bad. 
​
I know this pandemic has created an opportunity for many of us to take stock, re-evaluate and re-group around what's really important in life. This will naturally extend to our love lives, as well.   Its been a scary few months, and facing it alone, can really spot light our singleton status. Isolation during lock down, brings the very natural human emotion of loneliness right to the forefront for everyone, regardless of relationship status.  

The long lasting impact as we come out of Covid 19,  will be desiring connection and partnership will rise up.  People will be dating more intentionally and with a greater sense of purpose.



If you are already on the virtual dating train, I would love to hear some of your stories.  If you feel inspired by this email to jump in with both feet...

COMMENT BELOW… OR join us over at our girl gang fb group, click here ----> FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE.

Self Care During Crisis Tip #3: Falling In Love During A Pandemic

Just lil ol' me back with another Self Care Tip ,

Today's Self Care During Crisis Tip is for all my singletons! 

Here was a great question posted in the Feminista Seeks Love group yesterday…

How long should you date someone before labels like girl friend/boy friend come into play? Before saying I love you?


It’s a question I get normally, and one of the first things I address with new coaching clients who are looking for love… HOWEVER yesterday, it gave me extra cause for pause.

Right now, we are in the throes of a worldwide pandemic, our present is discombobulated at best, and under direct threat, at worst.  Our future is super uncertain.  This is a crisis.  And crisis can do funny things to the heart!

Oxytocin is often called the "love hormone" or "cuddle chemical," but American and Norwegian researchers have found out that it may as well be called a "crisis hormone


-Norwegian University of Science and Technology

When we are under threat, our brains release Oxytocin, so we can fight, flight or freeze our asses for survival.   It also is what makes us band together to fight a common threat.  Trauma bonding is a real thing. And, in itself isn't inherently a bad thing... but confusing this with intimacy, profound once in a lifetime connection and with really knowing someone, can be a very bad thing.


There are countless examples of this… I always think of the movie SPEED, with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.  Classic example of two strangers, bonded together by an extremely traumatic survival situation, that ends, of course... with a big romance.  AND, the movie ends there.  What we don’t see is, what happened the weeks that followed that terrifying bus ride! 

Some of you were mid 1st, 2nd and 3rd date or more, when the world as we know it, fell apart and social distancing became the new black. And you have carried on, scheduling fun video dates with these people. Which is GREAT!  This virus dust will settle, and life will move on.  Yassss, keep moving forward with dating!

What concerns me as that during this crisis, oxytocin may very well be blending with some ‘oh shit, I'm all alone with no one to go through this big life stuff with’ and creating a cocktail of hot wired intimacy, that feels very VERY real… but is short cutting the simple fact that, true intimacy takes T I M E. 

Getting to know someone, and making an informed conscious decision to commit to that person, cannot be rushed.  I suggest 10-15 dates to clients, which depending on the circumstances, is approx. 3-6 months. By all means, request sexual exclusivity for safety reasons, but actually choosing this person as a partner?!?! Let’s not do that all hopped up high on Oxytocin! 

Self Care in this situation means, sloooowwww down.  Enjoy the ride of getting to know someone! 

We are on lock down people, time is what we have most of right now!






Oh, and one last BONUS tip for you, dearest , see below.

THIS!  ALL THE THIS!  lol  :)