dating wins — Blog Love Letters — Jessica Elizabeth Opert

dating wins

DATING TIP THURSDAY: Do a FIRST MEET before a FIRST DATE

One of the very first things I work with my private clients around is what dating, with intention and with discernment, should look like.  That there is a somewhat formulaic dynamic to meeting the right person for us, and connecting in a meaningful way.  I say ‘somewhat’ because I don’t believe in rigid cookie cutter rules of dating, as my clients are anything but cookie cutter people.  However there is template to being more successful out there in the wilds of the modern dating jungle, and this is the very first step.

Ditch the whole FIRST DATE, and go for more of a drive by, FIRST MEET.  

 

A first date, is something that ideally lasts a minimum of an hour, and includes more commitment of your time and almost always includes a feeling of more pressure.  ESPECIALLY if you are looking to meet someone from a dating app for the first time in real life… deffo go for a FIRST MEET. 

So what do I mean by a first meet?

 

A first meet is a casual 30 minute max type of face to face first contact.   It’s a quick ice cream in a (well lit and very public) park, it’s a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a stroll through an exhibit at an art museum, type of thing.

 

A FIRST MEET is designed to do a few things:

1.      Confirmation of visual attraction.  FACT! We are, by our nature, visual creatures, unless of course we are visually handicapped in some way.  And whilst we may have had a bevy of photos on their profile, if you have been out there in the wilds for long, you have probably already met someone off a dating app who most certainly did NOT look like their profile pics.

2.      Confirmation of other forms of initial attraction.  This can be tonal, pheromonal or even just the energy someone emanates. The sound of someone’s voice, they way they smell, hold themselves with their body language or just in general first impression present themselves can be uniquely attractive or unattractive, to another person.

3.      Confirmation of interest.  And by that, I DO NOT MEAN A SPARK!  I think we are selling ourselves and others short, in this overwhelming belief that a spark should be instantaneous and visceral.  I’m talking about that piquing of curiosity that says ‘huh, I’d definitely like to discover more about this person’.  That moment when we realise, ‘hey! I’m having fun!  I think we could have more fun if we gave it an hour or two on a proper first date.’

 

That’s it. That’s the first meet. A quick, how do you do, that should, no matter how well it is going, end at the allotted time.  Why? Why would I want to end a good first meet if we are really hitting it off?   Well my dear, there is some powerful phycology about leaving them wanting more AND, perhaps even more important, holding boundaries, even small ones in the early stages of dating, is empowering and necessary for your well being.  Slow it all down, and lean into abundance and away from the scarcity that is telling you to hurry things up before its too late!!

 

Even if someone is pressing for an elaborate OTT first date, where they want to whisk you off your feet… dial it down.  Go for a much more brief FIRST MEET.   I can report myself, on more than one occasion, falling for that long incredible invite of a first date and then desperately trying to find ways to get out of said date early cause it was all wrong.   Keep it sweet, short and simply pressure free. 

 

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Top Dating Tip: Don't overshare!

This week, I wanted to dole out a top dating tip that has helped alot of my private clients create real, lasting connection.

TOP DATING TIP: DON’T OVERSHARE ON THE FIRST FEW DATES!

 

In this modern age, where so much of our personal life is out there on social media with the click of the post button, and where we are also chatting with a stranger online one minute and out on a date with them the next, it seems like the faster we go, the better it may be. .. but you simply can’t hotwire intimacy like that.

Genuine connection and Intimacy takes time, and should be a slower paced, reciprocal process. Oversharing may make us feel more connected in the moment, due to the heightened vulnerability we feel however its more likely to repel people than attract them.  There are many terms for it, but my favourite is one Brene Brown calls, flood lighting.  Floodlights are powerful almost blinding lights that will instinctually cause someone to shade their eyes, and back away from the source.  And sharing our deepest hopes and dreams and/or darkest secrets or traumas, early on in the dating process has the same effect. 

 

Dating is all about getting to know someone, over the course of many dates.  Its why its called ‘DATING’ and not ‘DATE’.  Connection works best as a beautiful unveiling of authentic layer by authentic layer.  We do want to discover commonality and create mutual connection that has a positive association as soon as possible however that should start in a more light hearted playful way, like shared music interests, sense of humour,  hobbies and passions, NOT  shared childhood trauma, history of sexual escapades, or that we know we want exactly 2.5 children and a house by the seaside by age 40.  Lets leave all that till the person we have been dating for a few months has proven they are worthy of hearing and holding our innermost hopes and fears.

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