For Every Partnership In Crisis, There is THREE relationships within in that must be healed!

For every one partnership in crisis, there are, at least, three relationships that need to be healed, within it.

It’s not unusual for me to have a clients who come on as a couple, who require a few sessions each, to themselves.  Often, they don’t realise that when we have our initial consultation.  However, I find it really helpful to actually separate them, before we can work together towards the healing of their relationship.  Why?

There is a long list of reasons couples find themselves in crisis. Some of these we need to confront, challenge and heal as a team, whilst others can only be done by the individuals themselves. Before we can heal the relationship between them, we need to heal the relationship they have with themselves.

Only a strong, healthy individual can participate in building and sustaining a healthy partnership.

When we, as individuals, lose our identity and self-esteem, to marriage and family, to our jobs and roles as providers, to being carers, bouts of depression, and to the many life changes that can consume us… like losing family members, building a business, children leaving the home for university, changing careers, retirement… we have to focus first on our relationship with ourselves, before we can truly address the issues within our partnership.

It is my job, as a coach, to help re-awaken not just the love you have for each other but the love for you have for yourself, too.

Many of clients, not only are lacking in the self love department, their basic self-care has disappeared into the hustle bustle of life. We cannot offer water to others, when our vessel is empty.

In order to really dig into self-love and self care, we must first get down to the worthy work of identifying your core values and the action it takes to live in alignment so we are thriving as person, not just as a couple.

When we are living a life, aligned with our values, we are at our most happy, content and fulfilled… and we easily open up to new possibilities and to the power of healing.

Are you living and loving your best life as an individual? 

 

If not, living and loving your best life as a couple, will never happen.  #truestory

Before I run back off to fighting that good fight for love with my private clients... I want to send a special message to my beloved LGBTQ tribe of followers.

Photo by Yannis Papanastasopoulos on Unsplash

LOVE IS LOVE - HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

uh oh, Its's time to talk about S E X! Part 1; For those in relationships...

This past week, I’ve been talking quite a bit about sex & sensuality with both my dating & relationship coaching clients. Whilst I don't define myself as a sex coach, you really can't facilitate transformation around love, dating, relationships & partnership,  and not talk about S E X!

For my dating clients, the issue swirls itself around the messaging we get as women about when, how and with who, we are ‘allowed’ to have all the sex.

For my relationship coaching clients, more often than not, its about… sex?!?! UM, WHAT’S THAT?!?!   Post baby(s), mid career ladder, daily responsibility and stress uptick and a healthy dollop of being years into a partnership… sex is no longer something on a weekly, or even monthly rotating schedule! YIKES!

So this week, I will be offering up TWO blogs on ONE BOLD TOPIC, that I do hope offers everyone a bit of insight, hope and clarity around, well, SEX! 

PART 1; SEX FOR THOSE IN RELATIONSHIPS:

image via Pixabay

I know you’re squirming a bit reading this.  It’s okay.  Talking about sex, makes most people a bit uncomfortable.  Yet, talk about it, we must!  I tell you what, sit back and let the brash American take the lead in the convo, and you can just sit back and read, for now.

Why do we need to talk about SEX?  Well, my dear, SEX is one of the SIX major components of any romantic partnership. Period.  It isn’t always the MOST important for a couple however,  if you are not having it, or unsatisfied in that area… addressing the elephant in the bedroom, can create an epic shift in your relationship.  In order to have a well-balanced, healthy and lasting partnership, sex needs to be a nourished part of the equation.

John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, who has been researching couples and relationships for over 30 years, states in his research and books, over and over,  couples who prioritize sex vs. leave sex as the very last thing on the to do list, not only have lasting happy partnerships, they are RELATIONSHIP MASTERS.

Let me break this down to its absolute essence. 

LOVE requires connection.  Without connection, LOVE FADES.  Connection between two people is built on many things, however TOUCH and yes, SEXUAL TOUCH is the most relevant and epic way to build and maintain connection.   Whilst touch is not the ONLY way, it’s not a one over the other, deal.  Thinking of connection as a series of touch stones.   SHARED INTERESTS, SHARED ACTIVITIES, SHARED PHYSICAL TOUCH, to name just a few, ALL must be included in our touch stones.  We can touch some stones more frequently than others; however we cannot neglect a stone for too long, without the connection faltering.  When people begin to sense loss of love, and question if they still love someone… what we really need to focus in on, is the connection.  Think of love, almost as a bi-product of connection.  Connection is the horse.  Love is the cart. And oh all the wondrous things we can pile into that cart of love!!!

image via Pixabay

One of the larger factors that stops physical touch and sex, beyond it dropping down the priority list, is a drop in our own feeling of sexiness and sensuality.  Please note, this is one of the root causes for singles AND couples AND for men AND women! 

I think we are often quick to assume that sexiness and sensuality are primarily feminine qualities.  They are not. Or at least not in the way we think of them.

It has been proven out that one of men’s most common fears, is, they will be laughed at… in bed.  Humiliation and ego are tied to this however mainly, the fear is about a loss of respect, ability and power, which we as a society, have primed men to equate with their own sexiness.  There are people who do not care whatsoever if the other person is getting pleasure from sex, however those people do not typically commit to relationships, or remain in them for very long… so chances are your ability, as a man, to perform and satisfy your partner sexually, has a direct result on your own view of your sensuality.

Similarly, for many women, their sexiness and sensuality is tied directly to how they perceive themselves physically.  How themselves and their partner views them and their body, during sex.  No offenses fellas, but our own determination of how sexy we look actually contributes to how sexy we feel way more directly than yours.  It’s why, no matter how many times you tell us, how sexy we look, it doesn’t usually effect how we feel about it ourselves

image via Pixabay

Interestingly, if we follow this trail back to its source, for both men and women, we find self-esteem staring us in the face.  Our self-esteem is how we value ourselves. How we truly evaluate ourselves is primary to how others values us.   Begin at the beginning, dearest one.

Ask yourself...

• What are the things that YOU DO that help you feel more worthy of enjoying sex? 

• What are the things YOU DO that make YOU feel more sexy? Even when no one is around to see or appreciate it?

• WHAT can you start DOING more of, to feel more confident, sensual… starting TODAY? 

Fancy underpants?

Going to the gym?

Yoga?

Red lippie?

Booking in that weekend away, ALONE? To just do all the things YOU want to do?

Running?

A new suit?

A big win at work?

Creating something with your own two hands?

A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.   Ready to take your first baby step towards reclaiming your sensuality?

image via pixabay

If you want more access to my expert knowledge on curating and maintaining empowered relationships, please do join us in the free facebook group, THE EMPOWERED LOVE & RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL!   I post actionable tips and thought provoking commentary in the group daily, and go LIVE weekly talking about topics that can help you, have the relationship you both deserve.