Gratitude as a relationship saver, yay or nay?

I’m a big fan of gratitude.  Practicing gratitude can begin as easily as taking a few moments to list out everything we are grateful for, the good things in our lives, our partners and in our partnerships.  By the time we call out even 7 or 10 items,  our perspective of ourselves, our relationship and even the world we live in can shift dramatically.  .  Practicing gratitude can do us a necessary favour of balancing the scales of what is going wrong and what is going right. This perspective shift, releases serotonin in the brain, which floods our senses with the feelings of pleasure and happiness

Powerful stuff, for sure. 

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

HOWEVER… Utilising gratitude in this manner often offers a short term solution to a much longer term problem.  

Gratitude is an action word. 

Gratitude is NOT an inanimate list we possess, to be looked at whenever we need a pick me up or some perspective.

Gratitude is NOT a state of being as a result of making lists of items we are grateful. 

Gratitude is NOT a statement of intention, a bold claim we offer ourselves and others. 

GRATITUDE IS A VERB, and it only truly exists through our actions. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

To truly bring a practice of gratitude into our relationships, means a daily ritual of action. It requires making firm decisions to act, respond and engage differently.  How do we harness gratitude, to exact tangible change in how we move through the world, through our love?  

If you are unsure on how to answer that question, how to DO different, to shift life long, relationship long learned behaviours, in order to express gratitude in action and save your partnership…  I can help. 

Gratitude in action for me, looks like teaching others the hard won tools I have learned over years of study, professional practice and personal failures and successes, to transform how my clients give, receive, respond and engage with love.    I offer a Relationships 101 of sorts, to help people create clear effective communication, healthy conflict resolution, respect for themselves and their partners, and a much needed resurgence of kindness and compassion.   The tools necessary to truly take that momentary boost of gratitude and turn it into a well oiled practice of gratitude that revolutionises how we live and love.

Sound like something worth exploring, dearest one? 

Book in your FREE Breakthrough to Love call, and we can spend some time discussing how our can move towards one another again. 

For Every Partnership In Crisis, There is THREE relationships within in that must be healed!

For every one partnership in crisis, there are, at least, three relationships that need to be healed, within it.

It’s not unusual for me to have a clients who come on as a couple, who require a few sessions each, to themselves.  Often, they don’t realise that when we have our initial consultation.  However, I find it really helpful to actually separate them, before we can work together towards the healing of their relationship.  Why?

There is a long list of reasons couples find themselves in crisis. Some of these we need to confront, challenge and heal as a team, whilst others can only be done by the individuals themselves. Before we can heal the relationship between them, we need to heal the relationship they have with themselves.

Only a strong, healthy individual can participate in building and sustaining a healthy partnership.

When we, as individuals, lose our identity and self-esteem, to marriage and family, to our jobs and roles as providers, to being carers, bouts of depression, and to the many life changes that can consume us… like losing family members, building a business, children leaving the home for university, changing careers, retirement… we have to focus first on our relationship with ourselves, before we can truly address the issues within our partnership.

It is my job, as a coach, to help re-awaken not just the love you have for each other but the love for you have for yourself, too.

Many of clients, not only are lacking in the self love department, their basic self-care has disappeared into the hustle bustle of life. We cannot offer water to others, when our vessel is empty.

In order to really dig into self-love and self care, we must first get down to the worthy work of identifying your core values and the action it takes to live in alignment so we are thriving as person, not just as a couple.

When we are living a life, aligned with our values, we are at our most happy, content and fulfilled… and we easily open up to new possibilities and to the power of healing.

Are you living and loving your best life as an individual? 

 

If not, living and loving your best life as a couple, will never happen.  #truestory

Before I run back off to fighting that good fight for love with my private clients... I want to send a special message to my beloved LGBTQ tribe of followers.

Photo by Yannis Papanastasopoulos on Unsplash

LOVE IS LOVE - HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

uh oh, Its's time to talk about S E X! Part 1; For those in relationships...

This past week, I’ve been talking quite a bit about sex & sensuality with both my dating & relationship coaching clients. Whilst I don't define myself as a sex coach, you really can't facilitate transformation around love, dating, relationships & partnership,  and not talk about S E X!

For my dating clients, the issue swirls itself around the messaging we get as women about when, how and with who, we are ‘allowed’ to have all the sex.

For my relationship coaching clients, more often than not, its about… sex?!?! UM, WHAT’S THAT?!?!   Post baby(s), mid career ladder, daily responsibility and stress uptick and a healthy dollop of being years into a partnership… sex is no longer something on a weekly, or even monthly rotating schedule! YIKES!

So this week, I will be offering up TWO blogs on ONE BOLD TOPIC, that I do hope offers everyone a bit of insight, hope and clarity around, well, SEX! 

PART 1; SEX FOR THOSE IN RELATIONSHIPS:

image via Pixabay

I know you’re squirming a bit reading this.  It’s okay.  Talking about sex, makes most people a bit uncomfortable.  Yet, talk about it, we must!  I tell you what, sit back and let the brash American take the lead in the convo, and you can just sit back and read, for now.

Why do we need to talk about SEX?  Well, my dear, SEX is one of the SIX major components of any romantic partnership. Period.  It isn’t always the MOST important for a couple however,  if you are not having it, or unsatisfied in that area… addressing the elephant in the bedroom, can create an epic shift in your relationship.  In order to have a well-balanced, healthy and lasting partnership, sex needs to be a nourished part of the equation.

John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, who has been researching couples and relationships for over 30 years, states in his research and books, over and over,  couples who prioritize sex vs. leave sex as the very last thing on the to do list, not only have lasting happy partnerships, they are RELATIONSHIP MASTERS.

Let me break this down to its absolute essence. 

LOVE requires connection.  Without connection, LOVE FADES.  Connection between two people is built on many things, however TOUCH and yes, SEXUAL TOUCH is the most relevant and epic way to build and maintain connection.   Whilst touch is not the ONLY way, it’s not a one over the other, deal.  Thinking of connection as a series of touch stones.   SHARED INTERESTS, SHARED ACTIVITIES, SHARED PHYSICAL TOUCH, to name just a few, ALL must be included in our touch stones.  We can touch some stones more frequently than others; however we cannot neglect a stone for too long, without the connection faltering.  When people begin to sense loss of love, and question if they still love someone… what we really need to focus in on, is the connection.  Think of love, almost as a bi-product of connection.  Connection is the horse.  Love is the cart. And oh all the wondrous things we can pile into that cart of love!!!

image via Pixabay

One of the larger factors that stops physical touch and sex, beyond it dropping down the priority list, is a drop in our own feeling of sexiness and sensuality.  Please note, this is one of the root causes for singles AND couples AND for men AND women! 

I think we are often quick to assume that sexiness and sensuality are primarily feminine qualities.  They are not. Or at least not in the way we think of them.

It has been proven out that one of men’s most common fears, is, they will be laughed at… in bed.  Humiliation and ego are tied to this however mainly, the fear is about a loss of respect, ability and power, which we as a society, have primed men to equate with their own sexiness.  There are people who do not care whatsoever if the other person is getting pleasure from sex, however those people do not typically commit to relationships, or remain in them for very long… so chances are your ability, as a man, to perform and satisfy your partner sexually, has a direct result on your own view of your sensuality.

Similarly, for many women, their sexiness and sensuality is tied directly to how they perceive themselves physically.  How themselves and their partner views them and their body, during sex.  No offenses fellas, but our own determination of how sexy we look actually contributes to how sexy we feel way more directly than yours.  It’s why, no matter how many times you tell us, how sexy we look, it doesn’t usually effect how we feel about it ourselves

image via Pixabay

Interestingly, if we follow this trail back to its source, for both men and women, we find self-esteem staring us in the face.  Our self-esteem is how we value ourselves. How we truly evaluate ourselves is primary to how others values us.   Begin at the beginning, dearest one.

Ask yourself...

• What are the things that YOU DO that help you feel more worthy of enjoying sex? 

• What are the things YOU DO that make YOU feel more sexy? Even when no one is around to see or appreciate it?

• WHAT can you start DOING more of, to feel more confident, sensual… starting TODAY? 

Fancy underpants?

Going to the gym?

Yoga?

Red lippie?

Booking in that weekend away, ALONE? To just do all the things YOU want to do?

Running?

A new suit?

A big win at work?

Creating something with your own two hands?

A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.   Ready to take your first baby step towards reclaiming your sensuality?

image via pixabay

If you want more access to my expert knowledge on curating and maintaining empowered relationships, please do join us in the free facebook group, THE EMPOWERED LOVE & RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL!   I post actionable tips and thought provoking commentary in the group daily, and go LIVE weekly talking about topics that can help you, have the relationship you both deserve.

It's decision time! Should you stay or should you go?

We’re standing at a crossroads. Red light. Green Light.

We can stay, or we can go.

credit pixabay

No matter how many times we have turned this decision over in our mind, we remain stuck, fearful and confused.

One moment, every fiber in our body says ‘GET OUT’!!

The next moment, we never want to leave.

This one foot in, one foot out mindset and state of confusion, can cause the relationship to break down entirely. And the harm, the traffic buildup, can damage the entire city we live in.

And when we find ourselves stuck at that crossroads, staring desperately up at the traffic light, too paralyzed to move, it’s the obsessive questioning that is plaguing our will to love and love.

• How long can I live like this? 
• Does he/she love me anymore?
• What will happen if I leave? 
• Will I ever meet someone again?
• How did we get here?
• Can we get back to a better place? 
• Am I wasting the best years of my life? 
• What will my family say? 
• What will people think of me? 
• How will this affect the children?
• Why won’t he/she listen to me?
• Did I choose the wrong person?
• What’s wrong with me?
• How much crime TV does one have to watch to ensure no one finds the body? (just kidding, or am I?)

The above questions are valid, HOWEVER they’re the wrong questions.

They’re not making things any clearer because they’re driven by fear, helplessness, anger and resentment.

As long as we are paralyzed, unsure of which direction to go, we CAN NOT and WILL NOT invest, in either course.

credit; Unsplash/ Flo Karr

Often, at the very start of coaching people in relationships, I ask them to commit to something incredibly scary.  To suspend all their doubts and disbelief and decide wholeheartedly, TO STAY.

It’s a TEMPORARY ask.   

We set a specific timeline, usually 90 days, for them to absolutely commit to staying in their partnership. 

Why do I do this?

Well…

1. The merry go round of indecision is exhausting.  It can zap us of all our energy. We’re going to need A LOT of energy to focus on the work to repair and rejuvenate their relationship.

2. As long as you are standing at the traffic light, vacillating between green and red, stay and go, you will undermine ALL of the work that needs doing.  I want my couples to experience results. Often that result, is, a marriage or partnership SAVED!  Sometimes that result, is finally knowing beyond any doubt, it cannot be saved.  Staying in limbo is torture. Not just for the individuals in the relationship, but everyone within a 10 mile radius.  That traffic, gets WAY backed up! (and yes, that traffic… that city… it’s YOU, your partner, your family, friends and loved ones, my dear)

3. If our heads are swirling with the tornado of questions you have been asking yourself for months, even years… you won’t be able to hear the powerful life changing questions I have to offer. AND you need to hear them, dearest one.

WE HAVE TO GO ALL IN. 

TOP DOWN, PEDAL TO THE METAL. 

credit; Pixabay

Today, I want to offer up FOUR of these epic questions to you! 

My lovely, I cordially invite you to get into the drivers seat, take a deep breath and take your eyes off the traffic lights and put them on the road ahead of you, where they belong.

Ready?  Let’s go!

• So why, is being in this relationship AND making it work, important to YOU?
• If we were having this conversation 1 year from today, and you were looking back over that year, what has to have happened in your life for you to feel really happy with your progress. 
• What are THREE actions, YOU can do THIS WEEK, that would bring you one baby step closer to results you want to see in one year’s time?  
• What’s stopping you from doing them?  Resentment? Expectation? What conditions or doubts, spring to mind that are blocking YOU, from taking action?

Take these away with you, grab a pen and paper and dig deep.

Then, comment below or privately email me your answers! My door is wide open and I always love to hear back from my gorgeous tribe. 

Sending you all the love,  xx Jessica Elizabeth

#relationshipcoaching #marriagesaver #partnership #relationshipgoals #askyourself #keeplove

STOP STOP STOP doing unto others as you would have done unto you!

“Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”

Ah yes, this time worn rule.

It’s pretty much the oldest rule in the book.

And in general it’s a gem in living a kind, contribution focused life HOWEVER here’s why, it doesn’t always apply to love and your relationship.

So many couples, follow this advice to the point of absolute frustration and detriment to their own well-being and relationship’s happiness.

When we follow the “do unto others as you would have done to yourself’ when it comes to giving and receiving love, we are missing an incredibly vital trick.  How I experience, understand and feel love, is often different to someone else. Depending on my unique upbringing, my hard-won journey to maturity, my personality type and my emotional values. 

Today, I am offering up a peep hole line of sight into major categories of how, most human beings, understand and confirm love.

photo; Clem Onojeghuo / Unsplash

TACTILE:

If I am a tactile person, signs of physical affection via touch is EVERYTHING to me.  You can say you love me a thousand times, but nothing… NOTHING makes my heart sing, like a tender cuddle.  Our act of hand holding, the way you randomly tussle my hair whilst I'm brushing my teeth, cradling my face in your hands before a kiss,  is a transference and acknowledgment of love I value deeply.  It's this act of touch, that drive home the accompanied statement of I Love you, that seals the deal for me.

ORATORY:

Likewise, if I am an oratory by nature, the caresses and embraces are nice and all, but until you say those three words, until you declare verbally and in great detail why you love me… I feel unsure of your committeemen to our union.  Those whispered promises of love, the enthusiastic compliments, the midday random 'love u' text messages...they send me to the moon and back.

ENVIRONMENTAL:

For some of us, environment is where it’s at.  When our partners create a thoughtful, safe environment that is trimmed with acts and notices of love, we get the assurances and love we need.  This can range from when our partners frame and tenderly hang pictures our shared adventures on the living room wall, to when we walk in from a long day at the office to a warm meal and a smile, that we know our partner did just because they knew we were having a shitty day.  Believe it or not, when we go out of our way to cater to our partners likes and needs to ensure they are comfortable in our homes, at parties, on holidays...these acts of staging the surroundings to accommodate and acknowledge them, show that we love them more than any flowers or heartfelt card every could.  For the environmentalist, its these moments that our heart swells as the carefully and lovingly curated environment reminds us at every turn, that we are loved.  

VISUAL: 

Similarly, there are those of us that require visual acts of love. 

If we can see it, we can believe it. 

The way our partner looks at us, the level of eye contact, the softness of the gaze sends shivers down our spine. Beyond eye contact (cause oh yes, for the visual lovers, there's more!) if it’s written or a visual token of your affections, like those flowers, cards , we will relish in this act of love like no other.  Many more typically environmental acts, such as the elaborate Pinterest worthy couples picture display you did in the living room?  We almost died, from the mega burst of love that sent us and it works like a charm every time we 'see' it!

Where many of us go wrong, is we expect our partners to register love on our personal terms.  We show them love, the way we would know we were loved. And we expect them to show us love, in terms we can understand even when we don’t communicate what that really means. 

The first hurtle is assumption.  I assume, that if this format is how I know I am best loved, then surely you are the same.    Chances are, they’re not.

In Gary Chapmans book, ‘The 5 Languages of Love’ he touches on these cornerstones of how we give and receive love.

Discovering our own language of love and our partners, is the start to casting away the non functional rule book of “Do unto others…”.

In my work with private clients, I always start with ensuring that each individual knows how they identifies and accepts love best.   A lot of us don’t know our own truly preferred method of receiving love!  

We are bombarded daily, by TV shows, movies, internet Top 10 lists, magazines and good ol’ compare and despair, of friends and family with what love ‘should’ look like, smell like and taste like. 

Only you, can answer this for you. 

This act of self- discovery, is the first step in establishing what forms of love are most meaningful and authentic to you. 

If you have saved every card past lovers have given you, if you have been known to dry out valentines roses… if when thinking back to your earlier stages of your current relationship, the moments that stand out, the moments ‘you knew he/she loved you’ are memories of catching them looking at you with pride, your eyes connecting in silence while a firework finale was going off in your heart… you might just be a visual lover.

 Of course, starting by taking a look at how we show love, is always a fierce indicator for how we want to receive it.  If you find yourself being the one who bought that digital frame filled with all of your holiday pics with your partner for your office desk, or find yourselfplanning the perfect weekend getaway at the golfing resort that also has a killer spa that your partner will LOVE, you might just be on team environment! 

If you’re making the effort to show love to your partner,  IN ANY FORMAT, you are already on the winning team HOWEVER if you can shift that to showing love in a way that truly resonates with them, to the format they recognize and appreciate most… BOOM!  Most valuable player award goes to….

If you are frustrated, and starting to worry that your partnership is in trouble and are questioning if this person loves you anymore because it sure doesn’t look, sound or feel like it?   This work is EPIC!   

Once you know what you NEED to feel loved, you can communicate that clearly, instead of just throwing spaghetti at the wall with your requests i.e. “Janet's husband did this, why don’t you ever do that?” Or sighing deeply, during that rom-com in hopes he/she picks up on the clue that they should be doing what the main characters are doing?   Which by the way, is setting your partner on a seemingly endless, triathlon without a map AND they’re probably feeling so lost and overwhelmed, they may have even given up on trying to ‘get it right’, cause even when they do what you ask, it still is never enough! 

Most importantly, once you are on the up and up with what makes your partners heart tick, and they yours, loving each other becomes a much easier task. 

AHHHHH yes, please! let’s get back to those days! 

Are you a visual lovah?? Enviromental??  Let us know your thoughts in the comments!