Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating
I was, once again, tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.
“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.
Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”
Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash
I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.
Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.
Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.
Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.
Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.
Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.
Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.
Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.
Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???
Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash
The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.
We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.
And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.
Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.
It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward. Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash
We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle.
Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!
This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life. Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved!
I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call!
If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life.
BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE
New Year. New Love Life!
You might be wondering why this Love Letter is coming a good week and half after the ball dropped? That first week of the year is a social media frenzy of ‘New Year, New You’ goal smashing inspirational paraphernalia, which can help to kick start the 2023 momentum however it fades from the news cycle on your timeline, fast. If you are anything like me, I start off very strong on January 1st, and quickly and surely the resolve that resolutions take, can wane. So think of this weeks Love Letter, as a pick me up before all the steam of your ‘new year, new you’ whistles out.
What type of resolutions and goals should we set around our dating life?
Here are a just a few of my favourite few ways to create some tangible change in your search for love.
GET OUT, OFTEN.
Shake off the winter hibernations doldrums, and step out of the online dating comfort zone by actually getting out to meet real people in the real world. YES! It IS possible to meet people in real life! In fact, in our post lockdown zoom screen glued world, people are more eager for face to face connection than ever before. Check out some local hobby clubs, interest groups, and pub quiz nights and, if you are really ready to grab 2023 by the proverbial horns, check out your local speed dating and singles nights.
2. LET ANY OLD FLAMES DIE OUT
Whether 2022 saw you fall prey to the bread crumbing trend of people stringing you along, or you’re cyber stalking your ex’s Instagram… it’s time to let that shizzle go. Do the work to heal your heart and free your mind to be truly open to new possibilities.
3. DO AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE REBOOT
Time to ditch the older pics, add some new ones and be unabashedly and unapologetically you, all over that ‘About me’ section. My clients are always amazed when we do a full revamp of their online dating profile how much of an uptick in swipes and quality of messages and people they attract.
If you do nothing else, but these 3 things, you will notice a shift in your dating life.
If you know, these things would help, however are not going to be enough to truly transform your love life, it might be high time we had a chat. Book your FREE Breakthrough to Love call today, and lets get some quality time to talk about where you’re at and where you want to go, with love.
Has lock down changed dating? [LOVE LETTER}
I am gleefully easing back into our normally scheduled program @ Love Letters, as the light of the lock down tunnel grows brighter. You will still see some Self Care During Crisis tips being sent out, which I truly hope has helped to ease your path with some much needed coping skills during this pandemic, but it's time to jump back in to the love talk, with both feet baby!
So how has lock down changed the dating world? And, what extended impact will Covid 19 have on your search for love, moving forward?
This has been a crazy couple of months, and for many the initial reaction to facing lock down was 'Whelp. there goes any chance of a love life!'
However that couldn't be further from the truth. Love always finds a way.
I have had so many clients navigating dating during lock down, and discovering there are some huge pluses.
How has the world of dating weathered a pandemic?
Well, it's actually flourished! This, is how and why.
THE HOW:
Ya' know how it feels like all your days are spend on video calls lately? Along with work meetings and family calls, that's where dating moved too. Zoom, Whatsapp Video Calls, Facetime, you name it, people have been meeting up to have a date on it. And I do mean, dates... some go as far as making dinners to eat across a candle lit screen together!
It may sound strange, even crazy. You may be reading this with a wrinkled 'oh no I won't' nose right now... but it's happening and you are missing out on something truly transformational in online dating, since the first online dating app launched!
What is really lovely about this new pandemic wave format of dating, is that it pumps the breaks on the physical aspect and can super charge the intimacy building aspect of dating, which we have all been missing!
You can actually spend quality time, talking to someone and not just worried if they want a one night stand.
I have guided many of my private clients to up their virtual dates, by doing an online pub quiz, or doing a game night... either by participating in the loads being put on by others, or creating a game to be played just the two of them. And, beyond raising the fun factor, it's made each of them feel like they actually went out for a night!
('Going out' what are those words I am saying? I mean, i can't remember what 'Going Out' or 'Plans For the Evening' even mean anymore lol)
The dating industry, has followed virtual suit. Moving speed dating and singles nights online, with great success.
People are finding that taking a physical step back from face to face dates, has proven to be a massive step forward in building more authentic connections.
Is it solely just online dating, extending to further 'online' dating?
Many people are have 3-6 virtual dates and then, depending on how well those go, moving to meeting people in real time. SAFELY!
This is a virus no one wants to mess with, and social distancing is proven to stop the spread. So how do you date, while socially distancing?
Here are some great ideas, that people are loving right now AND are safe to pursue.
Original Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
SOCIALLY DISTANCED...
Park Walks!
Picnics!
Sunset drinks!
Going for a run!
Gazebo BYOB cocktails!
Outdoor dates are fab, because not only are you keeping healthy by staying 2 meters/6 feet away, you are in a well ventilated atmosphere. Make sure you bring your own picnic or drinks and stay within the recommended Covid guidelines.
One of the greatest tools for dealing with attachment issues that cause us to go a bit crazy with fantasy OR get our running shoes on, is to slllllooowwwww down. And this pandemic has slowed down dating, and the results can be pretty magnificent.
Photo by Kimberly Mears on Unsplash
So WHY is lock down changing the dating game and driving more authentic connections than ever?
First and foremost, the chemicals released on the brain during crisis, are EXTREMELY similar to those released when we fall in love.
Seeking out alliances, connections and community is a natural survival response to threat. There is more power in numbers. Back at the beginning of this whole mess, I sent out a love letter warning against falling in love too quickly during a pandemic, with very good reason.
HOWEVER, it's not all bad.
I know this pandemic has created an opportunity for many of us to take stock, re-evaluate and re-group around what's really important in life. This will naturally extend to our love lives, as well. Its been a scary few months, and facing it alone, can really spot light our singleton status. Isolation during lock down, brings the very natural human emotion of loneliness right to the forefront for everyone, regardless of relationship status.
The long lasting impact as we come out of Covid 19, will be desiring connection and partnership will rise up. People will be dating more intentionally and with a greater sense of purpose.
If you are already on the virtual dating train, I would love to hear some of your stories. If you feel inspired by this email to jump in with both feet...
COMMENT BELOW… OR join us over at our girl gang fb group, click here ----> FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE.
FREE Self Care During Crisis Series - Come Join us!
Well, life as we know it got real interesting real quick, didn't it?!?!
I hope this blog finds you and yours, safe and healthy.
Many of you are self isolating, quarantined, working from home, trying not to kill your partners as you both work from home (including me!!), feeling alone and extra EXTRA single right now, or working like a mad person in the medical field and service industries... AND ALL OF US, are faced with something, that in our lifetime, we have never faced before!
When faced with extreme uncertainty and heightened tensions on our timelines and news feeds, some of our anxiety levels are sky rocketing. Some of us are burrowing deeply into denial. While others are out panic buying all the toilet paper! YIKES!
We need self care, more than ever right now. To that end, I will be running a LIVE video series over in 'Feminista Seeks Love' facebook group for all my single ladies.
Join us in the FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE facebook group for this Self Care Series!
For those who do not fall into that category, you are still quite loved by me, my darling, AND I will be emailing you more regularly, with self care tips and tools.
My hope is to offer you as much support, care, and kindness over the coming weeks, as is within my gift to do so!
If you are in the fabulous single ladies club, BUT you are not already a member of my fb group of like minded badasses, please do join us below.
If not, stay tuned here on the blog, as I offer us as much tools as I can muster for you to be kinder to yourself and take the greatest care in this time of crisis. xx
That dating life, tho'?!?! YIKES!
Oh the dating life... I remember it all too well.
I started off in life, as a serial monogamist, or as I like to call it ‘second date relationship girl’. I jumped in and out of long-term relationships, in part because I had no idea I was supposed to be actually carefully considering partnership choices i.e. I like you, you like me, (what little we actually know about each other) and that was enough to make it official… however, mostly, I was ‘second date relationship girl’, because I was terrified of being alone.
When I was 25, I had a 2.5 year live in relationship come to a spectacularly painful end, just as I was moving to NYC. I spent the next 2 years mostly alone, without a date in sight, and then I started to do something I had never done before… D A T E. And, by D A T E, I mean actually go out with multiple people, on multiple dates, trying to figure out if they were right for me, BEFORE getting into a relationship, and subsequently waking up 6+ months later, looking over in bed, and thinking ‘who are you?!?’
However, I was missing one crucial trick in the dating process. I had no idea what ‘right for me’ even meant, not really.
So, I spent 6 years, on the neck breaking careening roller coaster of dating, holding on for dear life.
I made load of mistakes. Dated some real cray cray people. I broke a few hearts. Got mine torn to shreds more than a few times, and somewhere around rock bottom, I was standing on the corner of 14th street and 5th Ave, crying into my best friends arms, after a from day one red flagged filled affair, I should have been way smarter then to get into, that left me broken.
I was stumped.
How could I be in my early 30’s and apparently be no real wiser in love? How could I, this smart, savvy, independent boss of a gal, who had an amazing career, great friends, kick ass hobbies and interests, living in the greatest city in the world, be so hopelessly single?!?!
Finally, I surrendered and sought some professional help.
On that journey, not only did I get...
Some real clarity on what ‘right for me’ meant
I was able to resolve some historical trauma and shame around love.
I was able to leave my parents role modeled relationship to them, and not allow it to effect how I moved about the arena of love.
I was able to become secure from within, in my ability to attract and choose a good one.
AND free myself of some old ideas and behaviors that NEVER truly served me.
It was NOT an overnight cure. It was not without great effort, time and even some cold hard investment of cash. And it was one of the single greatest leaps, and investments in me, I have ever taken in my life.
About a year later, I met Mark, who you have heard me more often refer to as The Hubba Hubba, my hunka hunka burnin’ love. He didn’t look, talk, or act like anyone I had ever dated. He challenged me on so many levels, in the best of ways. Three years later, we were married. My continued work on myself, and relationships allowed me to not only pick a really REALLY good one, it stopped me from sabotaging it, with unrealistic expectations, and my old behaviors. Our relationship is NOT perfect, but hot damn, I look over at him now, ten years on, and I am more in love with him today, then I was in the beginning.
Who would have thought it possible?
Well, not me, for large part of my life. Sure, I hoped for it, I dreamed of it, but deep down I didn’t believe it was possible for me.
If you are reading this, and know exactly what I mean… I see you. I’ve been you. And I know the way forward, my dear!
Have you booked in your FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call with me yet? Whatcha’ waiting for? If nothing changes, nothing changes, dearest one.
Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating
I was tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.
“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.
Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”
Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash
I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.
Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.
Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.
Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.
Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.
Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.
Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.
Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.
Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???
Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash
The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.
We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.
And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.
Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.
It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward. Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash
We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle.
Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!
This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life. Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved!
I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call!
If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life.