SAVE MY MARRIAGE! The conflict resolution edition
Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership?
Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication.
EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key. No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way. Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.
What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?
I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.
Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things. We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted, both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort. Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.
The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view. ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning. In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.
Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.
Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict.
In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture, many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.
In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’. Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.
Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever. Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution.
What are your fears around conflict and confronting others?
Inviting GRACE into your relationship is a must
As a relationship coach, I get calls, emails and messages every week from couples in crisis. They are at the breaking point in their partnerships, one the knifes edge of calling it quits.
I would estimate, that in 90% of these inquiries, upon further investigation, the feelings of frustration, anger and resentment they are experiencing is not just limited to their relationship.
More often than not, they as a couple and as individuals have had a hell of a year or last couple years. Life on life’s terms has not been kind as of late, and things like…
Ill health themselves or in their immediate family
Career related stress, job loss
Bereavement/death of a loved one
Financial stresses or bankruptcy
And, YES even something as wonderful as welcoming new life AKA having kids can be extremely life changing and very stressful on a partnership
What I always advise in these circumstances is GRACE. Which is usually met with befuddled stares, and you, dear reader may be equally WTF’ing at that word, too.
What I mean by GRACE isn’t tied to the often easy association of spirituality or religion, but to the essence of what that word means which is COMPASSION, PATIENCE and the GIFT of time.
First, lets think of it, as a GRACE PERIOD. We can all wrap our heads around that one. All of our bills, mortgage payments etc... have a due date, but also something called a ‘grace period’ which is some breathing room, we may need from time to time to make that payment.
When we are under stress, experiencing crisis in our lives, it can trigger a fight or flight response (or both!) and especially if we are limited or powerless to change at aspect, we will focus on what we can change and apply the fight or flight to that… and our relationships are easy targets, for sure.
This fight and flight doesn’t necessarily trigger in the thick of the storm, but actually its common to act on it after. After, we faced a year if unemployment, fervently seeking a new job, freaked out on how the bills are going to be paid BUT now we found that new job, and our body and mind can unclench and act.
After we are faced with that health scare or triumph over a life-threatening disease or accident, we are so used to being in crisis mode, that unconsciously we seek to extend the new norm of panic and look to other areas to recreate that state of emergency. Surviving becomes a way of life, and its hard to shift out of survival mode, even after the dust settles and we are free to do so.
And, I can tell you from first hand experience that the birth of my glorious baby 2 years ago, whilst magnificent, wowee, life changing???!?!! Um, yikes! And also RELATIONSHIP changing! The dynamic my husband and I had, that worked so well for us, for years... poof, gone! The game changed and we were clueless and absolutely in survival mode that first year. Who am I kidding, the still sleep deprived struggle is still very real.
So, yeah. When people come rushing to me, to validate that EVERYTHING in their relationship MUST change, right now or else…. I counsel GRACE.
I say to them, you’ve invested 5, 10, 20 years into this partnership, can we offer up a mere 90 days more of a grace period before we push the eject button? Can we offer ourselves first, then our partners the patience and grace to acquire some new ideas, some new tools to see if we can shift into thriving mode? Think of it like, a guideline of ‘no major decisions in at least the first few months’ after experiencing major drama in our lives, before we possibly create some more, that could permanently alter our lives, any maybe not for the better.
How do you think you can create some grace, (the space to breathe, heal and care) in your life, AND in your relationship today?
State of the Union; A Top Relationship Skill
NO. This is NOT another blog about politics! Whew!
This is an email about a crucial relationship tool that every thriving couple needs in their repertoire.
One of the tools I teach couples to incorporate at least annually, if not quarterly is the skill of having open conversations about where they are at, where they want to go, and what is and is not working in their relationships, and in their lives.
If you can’t come together, and have these sometimes hard but wonderfully productive chats with our partners… free of judgement, free of blow back… then you will miss out on a the life transforming aspect of partnership. See, ‘we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life’ (thanks PRINCE!) and if we are not in relationships, that are true partnerships, where we can have a free flow exchange of ideas and support, then what is the point of it all?
Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash
When is the last time you asked your partner what they were happy about in their lives? What they wanted to see change?
Notice, I DID NOT even go there on the relationship yet?!? We are not here to just check in on the relationship, but also check in on the person who means so very much to us in this world. To express concern and also to offer care, if needed.
Today, I wanted to provide you with an super beginners, easy template to get your very own ‘State of The Union’ talk going.
Cause’ darling, SURVIVING is not enough… I want you two to THRIVE!
Photo by Lawrence Crayton on Unsplash
Remember, this is a two way street. You BOTH need to answer these questions.
It may be an impromptu conversation, however, often a bit of warning works best. Give each other time to think about these questions, before you meet to have this chat.
First, outline some ground rules. This isn’t a ‘WE NEED TO TALK’ doom and gloom exercise. This isn’t an opportunity to argue or to defend your corner. This is about a safe space, where we can open up, get honest, and take great care of one another! Think of this as a general health check up at the doctors.
Ready? Here we go!
Part one: Health check on your partner’s overall happiness.
What went really well for you, in your life, this year?
Is there any part of your life, you are not happy with? What would you like to see happen differently?
What can I do to help?
Part Two: Health check on your relationship together
How are WE doing?
Is there anything you think needs to change or improve in our relationship?
Have I done anything to hurt you or cause you worry?
What can I do to be a better partner for you?
When we have this conversation, this time next year, what NEEDS to change between us? And what NEEDS to stay the same?
Would it be easier if we had outside help to accomplish these relationship goals?
Super basic, right? Notice, this isn’t a bitch fest. This isn’t just focusing on the bad, but also and starting with, what is going well.
Try not to cherry pick this list too much. There is a method to this madness. Starting in a positive place, and starting on you as individuals, is by design. A very evolved expert design, dearest one!
I would LOVE to hear back from you, how our conversations went! Drop me a comment below.
And if you feel that some outside help, some education in relationships skills, is what is needed… I’m here for you.
Already my client diary is getting booked up and busy with new clients who want to start 2023 off in a new, healthier and thriving direction. I invite you to be one of them.
Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love call below.
The Five Love Languages Valentines Day Guide For Couples (Copy)
For this weeks love letter to those fighting the good fight to keep their love thriving, I wanted to talk about how to introduce the powerful tool that is The Five Love Languages to ensure that this year, that extra special message of love, really resonates.
She wanted a divorce but then...
Most couples call me at the bitter ends, when separation seems like the only solution to the boiling point of their acrimonious partnerships. It’s almost as if they feel they have to check the ‘we sought professional help’ box before they can throw in the towel. This week, I wanted to share with you a clients story, of coming into relationship coaching thinking and feeling like divorce was the only way forward, however what happened next surprised us all.
Gratitude as a relationship saver, yay or nay?
I’m a big fan of gratitude. Practicing gratitude can begin as easily as taking a few moments to list out everything we are grateful for, the good things in our lives, our partners and in our partnerships. By the time we call out even 7 or 10 items, our perspective of ourselves, our relationship and even the world we live in can shift dramatically. . Practicing gratitude can do us a necessary favour of balancing the scales of what is going wrong and what is going right. This perspective shift, releases serotonin in the brain, which floods our senses with the feelings of pleasure and happiness
Powerful stuff, for sure.
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash
HOWEVER… Utilising gratitude in this manner often offers a short term solution to a much longer term problem.
Gratitude is an action word.
Gratitude is NOT an inanimate list we possess, to be looked at whenever we need a pick me up or some perspective.
Gratitude is NOT a state of being as a result of making lists of items we are grateful.
Gratitude is NOT a statement of intention, a bold claim we offer ourselves and others.
GRATITUDE IS A VERB, and it only truly exists through our actions.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
To truly bring a practice of gratitude into our relationships, means a daily ritual of action. It requires making firm decisions to act, respond and engage differently. How do we harness gratitude, to exact tangible change in how we move through the world, through our love?
If you are unsure on how to answer that question, how to DO different, to shift life long, relationship long learned behaviours, in order to express gratitude in action and save your partnership… I can help.
Gratitude in action for me, looks like teaching others the hard won tools I have learned over years of study, professional practice and personal failures and successes, to transform how my clients give, receive, respond and engage with love. I offer a Relationships 101 of sorts, to help people create clear effective communication, healthy conflict resolution, respect for themselves and their partners, and a much needed resurgence of kindness and compassion. The tools necessary to truly take that momentary boost of gratitude and turn it into a well oiled practice of gratitude that revolutionises how we live and love.
Sound like something worth exploring, dearest one?