Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating

I was tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.

“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.

Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”

Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash

I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.

• Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.

• Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.

• Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.

• Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, then just quitting and coming off online dating all together.

• Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to hide out and keep a safe distance.

• Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.

• Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other assorted adulting, ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.

Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???

Photo by Carlos Alberto Gómez Iñiguez on Unsplash

The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. We human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.

We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.

And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.

Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.

It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward.  Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle. 

Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!

This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life.  Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved! 

I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call! 

If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life. 

BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE

Remember Those Walls I Built?

Gather round as we make sacrifices at alter of the Queen Bey this week and chat a bit about protecting ourselves whilst out in the wilds of modern dating.

Self-protection is one of your brain's most primary purposes.  Right behind, keeping all your organs functioning.  The ability to learn, adapt, create and change our environments is what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom on this planet.  However there are two sides of that brilliant brain of yours, dearest one.  Which one is ruling?

There is a logical side of our brain and an emotional one.  Both are vital and yet they tend to respond to threats quite differently.  

Logical brain, says ‘Right, touching that stove when it’s on burned my human, we shouldn’t touch it when its hot again.  The emotional brain says ‘OMFG that stove is evil, you know what? This whole kitchen is dangerous, heck this whole house is trying to kill me, I am NEVER EVER going in there AGAIN!!!’

Photo by Rochelle Brown on Unsplash

Yeah. Emotional brain is a RuPaul Drag Race level drama queen, and...

She.

Ain’t.

Playing.  

And if you think her response to your hand getting burned by the stove is OTT, you obviously never had your heart broken, cause that is when emotional brain loses her whole damn mind!  

Logical brain institutes boundaries to safeguard against reasonable and obvious dangers

Emotional brain builds walls.  And moats.  And minefields.  Ensuring no one EVER gets close enough to cause harm, EVER.

I remember the day I realized that my own carefully constructed fortress, was actually a prison. 

That behind those high walls, the barb wire, the minefields, I was slowly suffocating in the darkness of my own loneliness, and that not only could no one get in… girl, I was locked up so tightly inside of that prison, I couldn’t get out, even if I wanted to.

And I wanted to!  I was telling myself all the time, I was ready for love, I wanted to meet someone amazing, and I wanted companionship and yet, my actions were keeping me hostage in that prison, isolated from real human connection.

Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

I’m not saying you need to throw open all the doors and let any Tom, Dick or Jane waltz on in. 

By all means, check ID’s at the door, at the very least.  However, if you think building your walls up high is keeping you safe, that if someone REALLY wanted to get to know you they would take the time to pry, brick by brick each of those walls down, then you are literally taking the key to human connection, and even your happiness and throwing it in the moat, never to be found.

Without vulnerability, no one can even get close enough to see how worthy of the good fight you really are, darling.  And you are. Worthy.  A shimmering prize! 

 

Tear those walls down yourself, Learn the crucial skill of boundary settings, and let them see you shine!

Discover THE cornerstone to finding and keeping LOVE!

Oh my, this week’s topic applies to ALL of us, regardless of relationship status.

My Love Letter to you, is focused intently on the very cornerstone that any search for love OR attempts to nurture loving relationships, rests upon.

Photo by Anna Sullivan on Unsplash

That cornerstone, is our individual level of self-love.

Many of us don’t recognize how our own lack of self love is affecting our relationships and how we present to others.  The symptoms bare themselves out, but the root is harder to see.  We can address some symptoms in the moment however the coaching work I do with my clients is about sustainable change, not momentary epiphanies, therefore we go deep to the source, so true love can flow.

The most common symptoms people call me with is a lack of confidence and self-worth.  And whilst there is work we can do to be more confident, and to build our self-worth… if we don’t focus on self love, most of our efforts will be for nought.

Why?

Self love is the seed, from which a forest of self-worth and confidence can grow.  

Photo by Trent Haaland on Unsplash

We must sow the seeds deep, and in great abundance!

This week I am running a SELF LOVE CHALLENGE in my fb community and I wanted to share it with you, too.  The following is a step by step process to spend your next 7 days, taking action to curating a practice of self love.

Are you ready to take the challenge towards more self love?

7 DAY SELF LOVE CHALLENGE

Challenge Step 1:

>> Make a list of at least 10 items you know are acts of self-love for you, and you alone.

Ten actions, that are not just self care of your basic needs but strongly affectionate acts that bring you joy, calm, happiness, wellbeing, pleasure physically, emotionally and spiritually. Ten acts that are real treats, genuine special splurge like ideas, that maybe you just don't allow yourself often enough, that bring you childlike wonder and joy, and are just for your own absolute pleasure!

*this could be... making a beautiful dinner that you eat by candlelight with some of your fav music, yoga, reading a good book for pleasure, long walk in the countryside, chocolate, spa day, facials, fav pod cast, coaching, time with nephews and nieces, spin class, meditation, jumping in the sea, fancy meal out, antiquing, live music, being creative with art or hobbies, positive affirmations, a course that will fulfill your soul, lunch in the sunshine, open mic nights, and on and on and on!

Challenge Step 2:

It’s time to get really REAL with ourselves and assess just how active we have been in our self love.

>> Take some time here and line by line, item by item, make a numerical notation next to each item that correspond with how many times you actually participated and partook in each of these estimable acts of self love on your list, in the last 30days.  

Photo by The Journal Garden | Vera Bitterer on Unsplash

Challenge Step 3:

>> Take out your calendar/diary and schedule in SOMETHING every day!

It doesn’t have to be an hour yoga class… maybe 15 minutes on a Yoga app before bed?  It may not be 30 minutes of mediation at 7am, but instead a sleep mediation you find on youtube you use at bedtime.  It may not be a grand dinner with friends, but scheduling in a 10 minute phone call to your bestie for a giggle.

Do not let your perception of time, stop you from loving you. Find ANY time you can, every day to LOVE YOU!

Intentionally CARVE out 5 minutes on one day,  20 minutes on another, 1-2 hours on a Sunday.. whatever it takes to implement even the smallest act of self love, EACH DAY.   It’s high time, you make YOU the first stop on the LOVE tour.

Maybe you don’t have a top 10!?!   Maybe you have never EVER considered yourself, your needs, your desires, your care as a priority?  Maybe you’re not even sure what makes you happy?
WELCOME dearest one.   You're in the right place!

I challenge you to come up with a list, let your fingers to the walking on google “What is self love?”,  carve out those same blocks in your dairy with the notation ‘Find my joy!’ and “Self Love’. Go out and experiment till you find your personal Top 10 list!  

Find your happy places, and visit them daily!

Photo by Artem Bali on Unsplash

Challenge Phase 4:

Accountability in a challenge can boost your results tenfold...

>> Grab a friend and do the challenge with them!  

>> Comment here with your lists!

>> Are you a single lady out in the wilds of the modern dating jungle? Then, dearest one, come join is over at the quite discreet and incredibly supportive, Feminist Seeks Love fb community, where we are doing it together!   Join us, HERE

I do hope you accept this 7 day Self Love Challenge and boost that love for you by engaging with some real kindness, care and joy for yourself... as it will revolutionize how you find, attract, give and receive LOVE!

Why the heck am I talking about TRIANGLES this week?!?!

It’s a big week here at the LOVE LETTERS.  Sit back, strap yourself down tight and take a deep cleansing breath, cause do I have some life changing, heart healing, info for you!

We are not having a geometry lesson today and yet, the topic is about TWO TRIANGLES!  Two triangles that can radically transform ALL your relationships!

Before I push on, let me pause here for a moment to let you know that there is SO much written on this topic; loads of articles & books, courses and workshops, hundreds of hours of video, AND I’m going to break this down, quickly and hopefully quite succinctly in the space of a blog (no pressure, right??) Please view this LOVE LETTER as a possible breakthrough moment, where, after your head explodes, you run off to learn more!



In 1968 Stephen Karpman came up with a pivotal therapeutic tool called The Karpman Drama Triangle. Where did Karpman’s inspirations come from?  Oh, you know all those fairy tales, with the Damsel in Distress, the Villain and the Knight on A White Horse?  The ones that set up so many of us for disaster when it comes to love? YUP.  Stephen Karpman saw right through that story line, for the dis-empowering, limiting shenanigans it really is, too!


In the Karpman Drama Triangle, the role of Damsel is called, THE VICTIM.

The role of the Villain?  THE PERSECUTOR

And that Knight, who swoops in to save the day?  THE RESCUER.
 

First thing you need to know… The drama triangle, is a trap. 

Whether you are assuming the role of victim, persecutor or rescuer… it creates a ping ball machine effect within the points of this triangle where hope, dreams and love stay stuck, wither and die.

Though many of us have a particular role we tend to play best or most often, WE PLAY ALL THREE AND OFTEN ASSIGN ALL THREE TO OTHERS. WHEN WE ARE TRAPPED IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. 

AND, NO MATTER WHERE WE START OUT, WE ALL END UP IN THE SAME FINAL ROLE.

Let’s talk about the points on the DRAMA TRIANGLE…

THE VICTIM – The feelings associated to this role are powerless and hopeless.  We hear ourselves saying things like, “this always happens to me”, “dating sucks”, “my partner will never change”, “all the good ones are taken”, “There is nothing I can do to make this relationship work”, “modern dating is a shit show”, “Nothing I do matters” “There is no hope for someone like me”, “I’m never going to be in a healthy relationship”, etc...



THE RESCUER – The feelings associated with this role are condescending sympathy, control, and people pleasing.  The Rescuer takes on other people’s problems, often unsolicited and usually without taking very good care of their own problems and life first.  They step in to fix/sort it for the other person.  In fact, The Rescuer’s own self-worth is usually tangled up in others needs for them to the one who helps.   This can also be roles certain people may play in our lives, like friends who have little to no good relationship experience telling us what we should do to fix our own partnership.  One of the most common phrases of a The Rescuer is “If this person did what I said, it would be fixed”.



THE PERSECUTOR – Feelings of frustration, self-righteousness, and anger accompany The Persecutor.   The Persecutor points the fingers at others, places blame often, quite vehemently for their own unhappiness.  The persecutor can also be quite partial to viciously shaming themselves.  The Persecutor says things like   “They’re wrong and I’m right!” , “They will get what’s coming to them”,  “How could I be so stupid!”, “If my partner/boss/child/friend would just stop or start this one thing, then I would be happy!” and  “ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!”


Most people have a preferred ‘Starting Gate’.  A role from the above, that over a life time, has become their default. 

 

HOWEVER, IN THE END…

WE ALL END UP THE VICTIM. 
POWERLESS, HOPELESS AND STUCK IN THE TRIANGLE

How do we break free?

Hello there, EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC TRIANGLE!  We are so happy to see YOU!

The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) was designed by David Emerald.  There are quite a few iterations similar to this, that also work, however I find this one very concise.

In the Empowerment Triangle, the roles are replaced by the Creator, Coach, Challenger.
 

The Victim, becomes the creator. 

The Rescuer becomes the coach.

And the Persecutor becomes the challenger.

If we are in the persecutor role, instead of placing blame, we shift to THE CHALLENGER, and ask ourselves questions like, WHAT CAN I DO?   Instead of viewing others as a persecutor, we see them as a challenge to be overcome. We affirm youselves, with positive statements, I CAN DO THIS! 


We don’t engage with anger and frustration but work from a place of love and compassion… We don't belittle or shame our partners, pointing the finger.  We encourage them and ourselves to rise to the challenge!  We say to ourselves, If I do my part, they will do theirs. What can I do to make changes? How can find encouragement for myself and others?  How can I help my partner grow?



In the Empowerment Dynamic, THE COACH, doesn’t swoop in to sort it all out, but instead helps and supports that person to solve their problems, for themselves. We learn to ask ourselves and others powerful questions that bring clarity to the outcome, an clarity to the steps we need to take it make it happen. We seek out people who will not play the role of rescuer in our lives, but instead be our coach or teacher.  People who help us, help ourselves.

When we are a coach, we approach our lives with feelings of curiosity and empathy.  We ask ourselves... What can you do meet people who are more ideal for you?  Where do you think they are hanging out?  What can I learn from this rejection?  How would you feel if your partner said this to you?  Would it motivate you? Or make you feel worse about yourself?



And lastly, when we shift the other roles to that of the Challenger and The Coach.. the victim becomes THE CREATOR!   We now rises above, break free and create a life of love and happiness.
We become solution orientated.  We don't focus in on the problem, and get stuck, we take bold steps towards the outcomes we want in our lives.

We are no longer stuck.  No longer powerless.  No longer the mere victim to the whims of life on its own terms.  We are an active participant!

 

AND… drama, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness leave our relationships.

I hope this bite sized nugget of revolution, shakes you to your core.  I hope you run off screaming into the interwebs, and search on for more information about how to shift from Drama to Empowerment, and break that drama triangle to bits!  xx