Tis' the Season to find LOVE

I won’t sugar coat this for you,  December – March is my busiest time of year, for dating coaching clients.  It can be very lonely to be single this time of year, between random relatives asking if you are seeing anyone special followed by the ol’ ‘you gotta put yourself out there’ parting jab...  a ball dropping on New Years and no kiss in sight and then just when you think you made it out alive, hells bells(!!) freaking Valentines day comes trouncing into town like a toddler hopped up on sugar.  Cue massive eyeroll !

And I know it sounds  bit crazy to tell you this, BUT the holiday season is a great time to be single…

And whilst yes, watching couples smooch under mistletoe doesn’t feel like something to celebrate, here is exactly why it can be an incredible time to be out and about dating.  Read my top 3 reasons the holiday season is a great time to be single here

Top 3 Reasons the holiday season is a great time be single:

1.       ‘A time to spread goodwill and cheer’  There is something magical and festive about this time of year, that puts everyone in a more social mood. We have dinners and parties to attend, shopping to do and a feeling of getting the most out of the end of the year.  This means most people are more ‘up’ for going out, meeting up and have a unconscious drive to have a good time.

2.       ‘Busy time of the year’   For many of you, this is a very busy time of the year  Whether that be lots of evenings booked up with festivities or end of year deadlines looming.  One of the best tips I give my clients using online dating is to switch out a traditional first date for a much more casual and short ‘first meet’.    Setting up a 30 minute cup of coffee, glass of wine or hot chocolate by the Christmas tree in town gives us just enough time to get a much needed face to face first impression and confirm (or deny) what we saw online with in person reality.  It also dials back all the pressure and build up we can sometimes place on a longer first date, which helps us to ease any anxiety.   And, its way easier to propose this by saying something like… ‘weeks busy with Christmas parties but I would love to meet up!  How about we meet any such and such place for a quick this and that before I have to be at FILL IN THE BLANK party?’   And hey, bonus points if who shows up, barely resembles their online pics AND has the real life personality of a wet mop, cause you are not committed to, nor trying to figure our how to get out of a typical 1-2 hour date.

 

3.       ‘Say cheese!’  You know what else is a glorious by product of this time of year?  Great profile pic update opportunities as you sashay around town, a bit more glammed up, and filled with that certain confident festive sass than usual. Before the drinks get the better of everyone, grab that co-worker at the office Christmas party and gave them take some fun new pics for your dating profile.

Wishing you all the love this holiday season and as always remember, YOU ARE THE GREATEST GIFT anyone can find under the tree! xx

Want my help navigating the wilds of modern dating? Book in your FREE Breankthrough To Love call so we can chat. Happy Holidays!

Get Real Closure On Past Relationships

I have had countless people book their Breakthrough To Love calls to speak to me about a relationship that has already ended, and moving on is proving hella elusive. These folks are often in various stages of grieving the loss of this relationship, from denial, to bargaining, to anger and many are still woozy from the shockwaves in a state of ‘what the heck just happened??!??!

The word closure has such a lovely ring to it.

Such a finite feel of doors closing, mysteries being solved, hurt being healed. However, in many romances ending, closure evades us. Sometimes its because we didn’t get to have that final conversation in a mature calm manner, or have questions about what went wrong, or the ending was so catastrophic, all we are left with is a bit of rubble, some leaving jabs made from a hurt place by both parties and little to no chance of ever speaking that our past partner again. We can easily become convinced that in order to have closure, the collective WE must be present for to debriefing. In the absence of our departed love, every friend, family member, social media post can be where we hash out and re-hash from every possible angle, desperately seeking closure. Heartbreak and rejection, real or perceived, can truly level our confidence and self worth.

Ultimately, deep down to our core, we want to know one thing. Are we lovable?
If any of the above sounds familiar, dearest , here's a truth bomb you need to hear.

YOUR EX DOES NOT HAVE THAT ANSWER.

That person you are determined to corner somehow for that all important full autopsy of what was your relationship, can never give you the answers you really need. If they couldn’t reassure you while you were together… yeah, it’s definitely not happening now. Let that shit go. Because…

ONLY YOU CAN PROVIDE THE ANSWER.

And my darling, you must learn to find that answer yourself, or any relationship, no matter how wonderful the other person is, how perfect of a prince or princess, how honest, kind and loyal they are… it will never be enough to resolve what keeps derailing your attempts at loving and being loved. I won’t tell you it’s always an easy journey. No ‘in 3 easy steps you will’ kind of snake oil being sold here! This road can be long, typically not a straight shot, but my god, it is so lush!

This important quest goes way deeper than all the articles abound on self love you may read on the internet. Way deeper than a million affirmations repeated daily can ever serve up. The journey I take many of my clients on, is a road to absolute knowledge of their worthiness of love. Love requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires trust. Trust in ourselves, first and foremost. Cause if you don’t trust yourself, how the hell you gonna trust someone else??

Are you ready to stopping asking 'why me'? And start believing, it's gonna be me?

I’m ready to listen, to offer compassion and tangible guidance, when ever you are ready to talk, dearest one.

Book your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call

Has lock down changed dating? [LOVE LETTER}

I am gleefully easing back into our normally scheduled program @ Love Letters, as the light of the lock down tunnel grows brighter.  You will still see some Self Care During Crisis tips being sent out, which I truly hope has helped to ease your path with some much needed coping skills during this pandemic, but it's time to jump back in to the love talk, with both feet baby!

So how has lock down changed the dating world?  And, what extended impact will Covid 19 have on your search for love, moving forward?


This has been a crazy couple of months, and for many the initial reaction to facing lock down was 'Whelp. there goes any chance of a love life!'  

However that couldn't be further from the truth.   Love always finds a way.  

I have had so many clients navigating dating during lock down, and discovering there are some huge pluses. 

How has the world of dating weathered a pandemic?  

Well, it's actually flourished!  This, is how and why.

Photo by Allie on Unsplash

THE HOW:

Ya' know how it feels like all your days are spend on video calls lately?  Along with work meetings and family calls, that's where dating moved too.  Zoom, Whatsapp Video Calls, Facetime, you name it, people have been meeting up to have a date on it.  And I do mean, dates... some go as far as making dinners to eat across a candle lit screen together! 

It may sound strange, even crazy.  You may be reading this with a wrinkled 'oh no I won't' nose right now... but it's happening and you are missing out on something truly transformational in online dating, since the first online dating app launched!
What is really lovely about this new pandemic wave format of dating, is that it pumps the breaks on the physical aspect and can super charge the intimacy building aspect of dating, which we have all been missing!

You can actually spend quality time, talking to someone and not just worried if they want a one night stand.

I have guided many of my private clients to up their virtual dates, by doing an online pub quiz, or doing a game night... either by participating in the loads being put on by others, or creating a game to be played just the two of them.  And, beyond raising the fun factor, it's made each of them feel like they actually went out for a night! 

('Going out' what are those words I am saying? I mean, i can't remember what 'Going Out' or 'Plans For the Evening' even mean anymore lol)

The dating industry, has followed virtual suit.  Moving speed dating and singles nights online, with great success.

People are finding that taking a physical step back from face to face dates, has proven to be a massive step forward in building more authentic connections.



Is it solely just online dating, extending to further 'online' dating? 

Many people are have 3-6 virtual dates and then, depending on how well those go, moving to meeting people in real time.  SAFELY!

This is a virus no one wants to mess with, and social distancing is proven to stop the spread.  So how do you date, while socially distancing?

Here are some great ideas, that people are loving right now AND are safe to pursue.

Original Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

SOCIALLY DISTANCED...

• Park Walks! 

• Picnics!

• Sunset drinks!

• Going for a run!

• Gazebo BYOB cocktails!

Outdoor dates are fab, because not only are you keeping healthy by staying 2 meters/6 feet away, you are in a well ventilated atmosphere.  Make sure you bring your own picnic or drinks and stay within the recommended Covid guidelines.



One of the greatest tools for dealing with attachment issues that cause us to go a bit crazy with fantasy OR get our running shoes on, is to slllllooowwwww down.   And this pandemic has slowed down dating, and the results can be pretty magnificent.

Photo by Kimberly Mears on Unsplash

So WHY is lock down changing the dating game and driving more authentic connections than ever?
​​First and foremost, the chemicals released on the brain during crisis, are EXTREMELY similar to those released when we fall in love.

Seeking out alliances, connections and community is a natural survival response to threat.  There is more power in numbers.   Back at the beginning of this whole mess, I sent out a love letter warning against falling in love too quickly during a pandemic, with very good reason.

HOWEVER,  it's not all bad. 
​
I know this pandemic has created an opportunity for many of us to take stock, re-evaluate and re-group around what's really important in life. This will naturally extend to our love lives, as well.   Its been a scary few months, and facing it alone, can really spot light our singleton status. Isolation during lock down, brings the very natural human emotion of loneliness right to the forefront for everyone, regardless of relationship status.  

The long lasting impact as we come out of Covid 19,  will be desiring connection and partnership will rise up.  People will be dating more intentionally and with a greater sense of purpose.



If you are already on the virtual dating train, I would love to hear some of your stories.  If you feel inspired by this email to jump in with both feet...

COMMENT BELOW… OR join us over at our girl gang fb group, click here ----> FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE.

Self Care During Crisis Tip #7: PUT PEN TO PAPER!

Who knew, when I launched this Self Care During Crisis series, we would still be here, in lock down 4+ weeks later!?!   I don't know about you, but week 4 was a real b%tch!  I entered the doldrums zone... week one was fueled by anxiety, week 2 was the motivation to do all kinds of things around the house and for my business, week 3 almost felt like normal, but week 4, well, I hit a wall.

How your pandemic going?


Regardless of how long this goes on for, know this... I  am here for you!  And I'm more convinced then ever, that peppering my usual dating & relationships messages w/ self care, was and is the best way I can be of service to you, during this tragic and difficult time.

Self care and your own mental well being, plays a direct role in how you give and receive love!

Onward and upwards, my darling!   Let's get to the next sanity saving self care tip!

Emotionally regulating can be a huge challenge when our minds are whirring along at a 1000 thoughts per minute.  This week, I want to encourage you to empty out all those thoughts onto the page.   All the emotions, fears, anxieties, anger, frustration swirling around in your mind, put the pen to paper, and dump them you.

Some of you may recognize as similar to The Morning Pages, in the Artists Way.  And the concept is similar, with a bit of a twist.   Take out a journal or blank page, and just starting writing ANYTHING that comes up.  Even if you have to start by writing 'blah, blah, blah, to get the hand moving and the brain juices flowing.  

This is a free write, with no care for grammar, spelling or even if it makes any sense whatsoever.  Visualize you taking your head off your shoulders, giving it a good shake, and dumping all your thoughts in there, onto the page.

Image credit: neven krcmarek via unsplash

This is a clearing out, a purge. Nothing more, nothing less.

When you are done, take a deep breath, fold the page or close your journal and leave all your fears, anger, anxiety, emotions and frustration there.


There is a lot of neuroscience to back up how the brain and hand connect deeply in the writing process.  Let is all flow out of your mind, through your pen, and leave it all there on the page! 


Feel free to do it morning or night or in the middle of the day, when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a good ol' tidy up in that head of yours!

I have already had some many clients tell me what a gift this practice has been in their life.  I can't wait to hear from you, how it works for you, dearest one.

Self Care During Crisis Tip #6 - Seek Out The Kindness

I hope you found some time for yourself this Easter Weekend.   As you know, I have been offering up Self Care tips, to help you through this very stressful and scary time in our lives.  Self Care is a small part of what I do, to help those who are single AND those who are in relationships, but it has an important impact.  We cannot expect others to solely responsible for caring for our needs, and those who value self care, have healthier relationships! 


Today, I want to talk about the great act of self care that is shifting your every day focus away from negativity, which will only heighten our anxiety levels, and mindfully FOCUSING towards the kindness out there in the world.

Photo by Slim Emcee (UG) the poet Truth_From_Africa_Photography on Unsplash

It is all too easy right now, to be absolutely overwhelmed by the infection levels, death tolls, politics in the news today.   Too easy to allow our entire perspective to be coloured by the rude people in the line at the shops, the reports of people flouting the lock down,  police harassing people who are just going into work because they have to, our healthcare workers struggling without the proper equipment,  and a social media news feed clogged with complaints, insults and fear.

My self care suggestion today, is to zoom in, and ACTIVELY SEEK OUT THE KINDNESS... the helpers, the good stories, the feeling of the rain on your face, the cherry trees fluttering their pink blossoms outside your window.


The stories of an entire village coming to their front doors to sing Happy Birthday to a man turning 100 years old.  


Of Joe Wicks donating all the proceeds from his 'PE for the Nation' classes to the NHS.


Dolly Parton not only donating loads of money to find a vaccine, but also reading us bedtime stories for free!


People who,though on lock down and struggling to make ends meet, are making masks and scrubs for healthcare workers.


Of neighbors and friends, going out of there way to help on another during this pandemic.

I am not saying to ignore the unsavory reality of what's happening!  I am saying, mindfully spend more time and energy on the good, then on the bad

As I walk down the street taking the dog for a walk, I can choose to stand under the lilac tree, breathing in its sweet fragrant offering AND I can stare at the pile of trash left on the curb that hasn't been picked up for days.

HOWEVER, I NEED RIGHT NOW, to choose to spend more of my time and energy on gently pulling down a low hanging branch of that lilac tree just to really allow it waft all it's glory on me, to notice the blueness of the sky as its glorious backdrop... AND NOT spending way more time and energy complaining about the trash, calling the local authority, calling neighbors to vent etc...

Focus in on the kindness, be the kindness (!) we all need right now, to yourself and others!

Avoid the pitfall of spending way too much time and energy on spiraling down the rabbit hole of doom and gloom, on constantly cycling through transgressions and faults, missteps and villains. 

Make sure you are not only just, balancing it out, but consciously spending MORE time and energy on the good, on SEEKING OUT THE KINDNESS that is out there to be celebrated in spades!

As always, I hope this message inspires you to take care of yourself during this crisis. 

And... I love hearing back from you all on how your are getting on implementing these tips! COMMENT BELOW! :)

Self Care During Crisis Tip #5 - Setting Limits!

I'm back with another Self Care During Crisis Tip, to help see you through this tragic time of pandemic.


This Self Care Tip, is about DOING LESS!  Which, if you have seen the barrage of DO ALL THE THINGS with all your free time posts... you may very well be sighing with relief, right now!



Some of you may indeed have more time on your hands than ever, however it's not always so welcomed because for you, it may be because you have been furloughed, had your hours and salary reduced, lost your job completely, or are seeing your business struggle to make ends meet.


While some of you, may still be working very much full time from home, AND somehow attempting to morph into a teach, as each day the demanding curriculum comes online, and your kids are home all. damn. day. every. day.


We are all worrying about our health, family, friends, jobs, money...



And, for many of you, what little or lots of extra time you do have, thanks to lock down and Covid 19,  anxiety has taken root and given birth to some new coping mechanisms (and not so new ones) that are time sucking their way through our days and nights.   We think these coping mechanisms will ease the anxiety, however we all know, sooner than later, they make us feel even worse, and increase our anxiety.

So, today all me to offer you some guidance in the ninja self care of... SETTING LIMITS!  

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Set limits...

• On Social media!

• Corona virus News!

• Corona Virus conversations!

• Corona virus memes!

• On Television

• On wearing pajamas! 🤭 (oh, yeah I'm going there!)

• On being indoors 24/7!

• On food!

• On all that 'add to cart' online shopping! 

• On how many times you’re allowed to go to the fridge in an hour! 😳

• On days filled with FaceTime calls!

• On Panicking about the future!

• On worry about money!

• On boredom!

• On spending time in the same room as your partner!

• On how long you’re going to swipe away at online dating!

• On how much your kids really REALLY need to learn during this topsy turvy time in our history!

• ON PERFECTIONISM!  That frantic dance of trying to do all the things perfectly, so no one sees how scared you are, and you can feel some sense of control in a out of control situation.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

This ain't your bath bomb self care... THIS IS CARING FOR YOUR MENTAL, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH! 



All of your personal situations are different during this crisis, and yet we are all experiencing it as a collective whole, at once, together.

You know, darling , what items on the above list, have your name written all over it.  And, you know the ones I haven’t even thought to include.

he ways we try to cope with anxiety, that unfortunately cause harm to ourselves, and in the end, heighten our anxieties.  We need to care for ourselves, more than every right now.  And that may mean doing LESS of some things, in order to accomplish just that.


I've been doing this self care myself, and it's transformed my experience during this tough time.


First up on my own SETTING LIMITS LIST... access to news.   I check in on my phone in the morning and then try my very best to not do so again, till the 5pm daily briefing. 

Next up... Corona Conversations! At first, I need extra talks with family and friends for connection.  However I soon realized, that there were certain friends or family members, I need to limit contact with, cause all the corona conversations were making me quite unwell.

Then, my old nemesis... television.  See, I am a proper TV junkie without a pandemic, so I had to get on that, fast!  Lots o' TV limits for this girl!


I also, had to make sure I got out in the garden or for a walk, every day, rain or shine.   While, of course, social distancing, and using limits, as not to abuse this to be out and about beyond the guidance of the experts.

What do YOU need to set some limits around, right now?

Please know...
Its okay to not be okay! These are unprecedented times, that none of us were prepared for AND none of have been through before, so how are we supposed to be okay or getting it right, all the time?!!? 
It's okay to be sad, afraid, worried, uncertain, angry... let's set some limits on time spent doing those too, before they consume us whole!

As always I hope this message inspires you to take care of yourself during this crisis.

Self Care During Crisis Tip#4 - Gratitude!

Today's Tip for self care during crisis, is one centered in gratitude.

We are all experiencing this pandemic collectively, at once yet each of our experiences will vary.  Some of us are simply working from home, instead of at the office, some are living in lock down, self isolating, temporarily out of work, quarantined or working like crazy in essential services,
REGARDLESS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS... I wanted to take some time to offer whatever help I could. 


I was speaking to a dear friend last week, she is a first year nursing student, and her placement was moved up to work in a hospital for on the job training, due to Covid 19.   On her first day, ever... she witnessed someone die from this virus.  She had never seen anyone die before, let alone on her very first day, overwhelmed in the busy ICU, and it was traumatic.  

Life is short.  No one of us knows the expiration date, even those who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses are given approximations of how much time is left.

Shortly after I hung up with my friend, the UK hung out their windows, came out on their front steps and out on their balconies to cheer for the NHS staff, carers and front line workers.  It was a tearjerker, an overwhelming coming together of giving thanks.

Her story, and this outpouring of support, got me diving deeply into gratitude.

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

I'm count myself very fortunate, that I was introduced to the concept of gratitude and gratitude lists in my late teens.  For over 20 years I have experiences the profound impact gratitude can have on my perspective, mental health and well being.

Gratitude does not solve problems, it will not erase the bad things happening.  What gratitude does is right size my thinking and my focus.  It is a strong reminder that, even on the days I feel like the world is going to hell in a handbag, my entire life isn't!

Today, I invite you to utilize gratitude as an act of great care for yourself during these traumatic and unusual times.

It's an easy thing to do, super quick, and change how you are feeling right side round.

Start, end or stop your day and do a gratitude list! 

Call out 10 things you are thankful for, now more than ever. 

I do strongly recommend you do this in writing.  Or open up the notes app on your phone, and type away.

The neuroscience between the connection and internalization of information when we write it down, is well proven.   It also makes us really stop the hamster wheel of thoughts and focus.

Here is my Gratitude List for today, I hope it inspires you to write your own, and as always, feel free to hit the reply button and send it to me.

Today, I am grateful for....

1. My health!

2. My partner's health!

3. My families & friend's health!

4. The internet and divine connection it is giving me to friends, family and clients during this lock down world I now live in.

5. That my partner was freaking out about this pandemic 6 weeks ago and 'made' me go out and buy anti bac gel, wipes and some canned goods.  I was humoring him at the time, trying to ease his anxiety... he was soooooo right!

6. Some downtime to write YOU more emails like this and to finally do the hard graft of putting together an online version of my coaching!

7. My girl gang of singles over at the Feminista Seeks Love fb group, we are holding each other in a very special sacred space right now.

8. We have all the food we need.  So many people are not in that same situation!

9. That no more what life has thrown at me, I have always bounced back.  And no matter what happens next, I know I can do it again!

10. My incredible, solid citizen, husband. He is the calm in the storm!

11. That I did not kill him during his first week of working from home, talking loudly and leaving dishes everywhere, at the desk next to mine. He is truly a keeper!

12. For our little dog Parker, who is the ultimate therapy dog at times like this!

13. That I have the ability and kindness to help out my elderly neighbors.

14. For my fab job, of helping people love and be loved!  What a dream and a gift!

Wow, I blew past 10, right to 14, easy peasy!  And, you can too!



Give it a try, xx

As always I hope this message inspires you to take care of yourself during this crisis. 



And remember, self care also looks like THIS right now!

Photo by Sandie Clarke on Unsplash